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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here regarding slapping?

181 replies

Turniptracker · 09/04/2020 10:05

Prepared to be told I am.
I was getting ready today and my partner doesn't have work today so is lying in bed. I have been enjoying just wearing comfy leggings while home (unsure if this is remotely relevant). As I am talking to him he takes it upon himself to smack me on the ass. I know some people like this, but I actually really hate it, I've never found it sexy or appealing and it stung. So I turned round and slapped him on the arm. He looked so taken aback. And I said why should you be able to just hit me with no reaction?
He is now in an absolute upset strop. I'm so sick of slapping on the ass being seen as absolutely acceptable hitting but anything else is despicable.

OP posts:
5zeds · 09/04/2020 11:05

Well presumably he gets it now and won’t do it again? Presumably he didn’t think you were serious before. Now he does he’s upset, but that’s fine. He will get over it and next time perhaps it won’t escalate to this.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 09/04/2020 11:05

The point is that in a healthy relationship, if someone knowingly and intentionally does something that the other person doesn't like, especially with regards to bodily autonomy, they are deliberately chipping away at the person's power.

Idk how long you've been together, OP, but I would be having a serious look at how the relationship functions overall. Does your partner undermine you? Does he support your other relationships, interests? Does he behave unpredictably, start arguments, is he jealous?

In the long run, this may be a signal that this relationship has underlying issues. Why does he feel that he needs to repeatedly do something you've asked him not to do? That is a clear sign of deliberately antagonising, undermining and belittling. Is it a way of trying to assert himself? Why does he feel the need to do that?

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 11:09

@Alsohuman
It is comparable, if a man wouldn't slap, squeeze or grab any part of an unknown woman's body why is it ok for him to do that to his partner or wife?

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 09/04/2020 11:10

Well he might listen to you now.

I don’t think he is abusive but he is a knob. If you’ve said you don’t like it and he kept doing it then it is the behaviour of a knob.

So is sulking. But he is only doing that because he knows he has Ben a knob. It shouldn’t have had to come to you slapping him back in the first place.

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 11:12

Especially if she's told him that she doesn't like being slapped

Eckhart · 09/04/2020 11:13

And it's fine if people like it but if you don't then that should be respected

This 100%

And now he's pissed off that you've responded negatively. He should be apologising profusely right now, and you need to tell him this until he gets it. Or reconsider the relationship altogether. You shouldn't have to teach him how to respect you.

Rosebel · 09/04/2020 11:13

So I assume all those screaming abuse would agree she's also abusive as she hit him back? It's not abuse and calling it that minimizes actual abuse.
You have told him you don't like it so he shouldn't be sulking but you sound like a pair of squabbling children tbh.

Alsohuman · 09/04/2020 11:14

if a man wouldn't slap, squeeze or grab any part of an unknown woman's body why is it ok for him to do that to his partner or wife?

Because they’re in this thing called a relationship? If you’re happy for your partner to touch you in that way, what’s the issue? If you don’t like it, then he obviously shouldn’t do it. As it goes I’m the bum squeezer in this house.

MoonBaby1 · 09/04/2020 11:14

Meh, I can’t get too worked up about this.

If I bend over or lean down I have to make sure my dh isn’t around because there will be playful groping or slapping. It can be irritating but as you’ve seen by the sulk they think it’s just fun and flirty and don’t want to be told off for it.

It’s nobbish but not abusive behaviour!

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 09/04/2020 11:15

Can't believe people are minimising this. The OP has said multiple times that she doesn't want to be slapped, her partner keeps doing it and is now in a sulk because she did the same thing to him that he's been doing to her.
He needs to apologise and not do it again. Otherwise I'd be rethinking the relationship.

sageandroses · 09/04/2020 11:15

My OH and I do this to each other all the time so I don't see an issue.

If you've told him to stop in the past then he shouldn't keep doing it. But you went too far slapping him on the arm.

iklboo · 09/04/2020 11:18

If you've told him to stop in the past then he shouldn't keep doing it. But you went too far slapping him on the arm.

HE went too far slapping her on the arse.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 09/04/2020 11:18

My partner does this to me and not lightly. When I ask him to stop he doesn't listen.

That’s abuse. He’s enjoying having that power over you and getting a kick out of doing something aggressive towards you, under the guise of ‘only messing about, being playful’, etc. He thinks that people won’t take it seriously and as you can see, there are thick people on here that would condone this abuse. That would make me reconsider my relationship.

Have you asked him why he gets such a thrill out of upsetting you by abusing you? You need to use the word abuse to bring it hone to him.

QuestionMarkNow · 09/04/2020 11:19

Well f its onoy a small slap and not hitting then you can also argue that the OP ony gave her DP a small slap and it wasnt hitting....

As far as I am concerned, it hurt the OP so it was hitting her.
And she reacted in self defence at being attacked.

Her DP is only in a strop because
1- she actuallu defended herself and he was shocked that actually she was able to stand up for herself
2- the reality that what he is doing IS hitting and not 'a playful, sexy slap like it looks like on porn videos' hit him hard. Suddenly he has been told he is NOT a nice guy and has been walking all over the OP's boundaries, bundaries tht have been very clearly stated before.

@Turniptracker, well done for standing up for yourself! And please do not EVER feel guilty for putting a man who disregard your boundaries/yourself back in his place.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 09/04/2020 11:20

If you've told him to stop in the past then he shouldn't keep doing it. But you went too far slapping him on the arm.

He’s hitting her, but she’s not permitted to react? Wise the fuck up! Nonsense like that is why many women that are being abused, are reluctant to come forward.

QuestionMarkNow · 09/04/2020 11:22

@sageandroses, it doesnt matter if you do it and you dont see the issue. Some people love BDSM. It doesnt mean that everyone has to be happy with being chocked.

The issue is that the OP DOES have an issue with it. She made it very clear and her DP STILL carried on. He is not respecting her boundaries and is being disrespectful.
THAT is the issue and a massive ne in a relationship imo.

BruceAndNosh · 09/04/2020 11:23

I doubt that there is any Legal difference between "slapping"and "hitting"

opticaldelusion · 09/04/2020 11:25

I suspect a fair few commenting on this thread find wolf whistles 'flattering'.

clareOclareO · 09/04/2020 11:26

I think it's just a bit of fun really, let it go.

sageandroses · 09/04/2020 11:26

@QuestionMarkNow excuse me, but I don't like being 'chocked' and I am not into BDSM. And I know not everyone likes it, which is why I specified me and my OH.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 11:28

And she reacted in self defence at being attacked.

Self defence can only be used proportionally and as a last resort can't it?

If you have no other option than you can use reasonable force to defend yourself, but in this case op wasn't being attacked and fighting to get away was she? He slapped her ( which was wrong) but she didn't need to use self defence as she could have walked away at any point. What she did was retaliation, not self defence.

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 11:29

Also human
Because they’re in this thing called a relationship

You think that it's ok to slap someone if they're in a relationship even if they don't like being slapped. Not everyone feels the same as you.
Try reading the op and her updates, she's clearly said that she doesn't like being slapped. He's ignored her so she slapped him.

Hunnybears · 09/04/2020 11:30

If you’ve previously told him not to do it then he’s over stepping the mark absolutely.

If he doesn’t realise you hate it and you’ve never told him then that’s a bit different.

He probably thinks he’s being funny, sexy, whatever. Some women will be ok with being ‘slapped on the arse’ each to their own I guess, but not every woman.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and explain that you hate it and if he doesn’t respect that then he needs the old heave ho.

mencken · 09/04/2020 11:34

if he doesn't get it after this clear telling then game over.

anyway, why would you want to have sex with a man who does things to you that you don't like?

Billben · 09/04/2020 11:34

I think he should be appreciative that you only slapped him on the arm in response. . .

Agree with this. Even if you hadn’t told him before that you didn’t like it, when you hit someone expect to be hit back.