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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here regarding slapping?

181 replies

Turniptracker · 09/04/2020 10:05

Prepared to be told I am.
I was getting ready today and my partner doesn't have work today so is lying in bed. I have been enjoying just wearing comfy leggings while home (unsure if this is remotely relevant). As I am talking to him he takes it upon himself to smack me on the ass. I know some people like this, but I actually really hate it, I've never found it sexy or appealing and it stung. So I turned round and slapped him on the arm. He looked so taken aback. And I said why should you be able to just hit me with no reaction?
He is now in an absolute upset strop. I'm so sick of slapping on the ass being seen as absolutely acceptable hitting but anything else is despicable.

OP posts:
AnneOfCloves · 09/04/2020 12:28

YADNBU

It's horrible when a partner won't respect your boundaries. Slapping him back was proportionate and drove the "slapping isn't fun" message home to him. Let him sulk like a petulant child. When he's stopped pouting, talk to him about how you feel just the same when he smacks your arse. Not cool, not funny.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 12:28

Turquoiseeyes

Really? I've demonstrated that have I? I've said he should not have done it. Do show me a single comment where I've said male violence towards women, or towards anyone, is acceptable. You can't, because I haven't said it and I don't believe it.

I think violence is unacceptable. Full stop. Regardless of who the perpetrator is and who the victim is. So, the only way you can argue against me is to make up utter lies your argument is clearly very weak.

Rubyroost · 09/04/2020 12:29

Ahh read update, you've said u don't like it. Still I'm not sure it's abusive as others have said, it depends on his intention. Maybe today sent a stringer message and hell take you seriously now

Rubyroost · 09/04/2020 12:31

@Annasgirl I had read most of it, but like many I get bored by trying to sift though and find all the ops posts. Maybe op should have mentioned that in the first post, would have changed the responses and made it more clear. 😛

ITasteSpring · 09/04/2020 12:34

I think violence is unacceptable. Full stop

Yeah, the problem with the ultra pacifist approach though is that it inevitable leads to cases where one party is the victim of repeated violence they are unable to retaliate against. Like in this case. .

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 12:36

Have you clearly told him its not fun for u
Rubyroost
Read the fucking thread

Positivevibesonlyplease · 09/04/2020 12:37

I think you responded with like for like, so you should now be quits and he should stop sulking. YANBU.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 12:39

Yeah, the problem with the ultra pacifist approach though is that it inevitable leads to cases where one party is the victim of repeated violence they are unable to retaliate against. Like in this case. .

So you think retaliation is the solution then? That hitting back will stop you from being hit?

Lockheart · 09/04/2020 12:43

No @Turquoiseeyes, I have read the full thread. I still think both of them are in the wrong for slapping each other.

Rubyroost · 09/04/2020 12:43

@Turquoiseeyes you read the whole fucking thread. 🙄Please see above where someone has already mentioned this and I have replied. No need to be so aggressive!

Saracen · 09/04/2020 12:44

You've told him before that you didn't like it. On getting slapped back, he should have responded with, "Oh! I forgot. I am SO sorry. I see you are very angry. I didn't really realise just how upsetting it is for you. I won't do it again."

If this strong reaction from you doesn't make him see sense, I don't think anything will.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 09/04/2020 12:45

My dp took to doing the same a while ago. I told him a few times he better stop or I would slap him back because it bloody hurts. Now everytime he does it, I turn and slap him straight back. He doesn't do it very ofter now, and when he does he claims he "forgot".

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 12:49

Oh yes Hooves you said that he was wrong, that's a definite condemnation there, you also said that because the op wasn't being attacked she couldn't have used self defence, another forceful condemnation there.
You also said she could have walked away. Real enforcement of boundaries there.
Hooves you're a real champion of women's rights, go Hooves

VibrationNation · 09/04/2020 12:52

I think violence is unacceptable. Full stop.

Personally I think violence is perfectly acceptable and appropriate to use to defend yourself from say physical assault or also repeated unwanted sexual contact in other words physical threats to a person’s wellbeing. The OP’s situation is included in this group. I see nothing wrong with her response, it was perfectly appropriate to the circumstances she found herself in.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 12:53

@Turquoiseeyes

Still waiting for you to show where I said male on female violence is acceptable.

They are both wrong. Him for doing it originally, her for retaliating. It wasn't self defence, it was retaliation. Both wrong.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 12:55

VibrationNation

So, do you think it would be ok for a man to hit a woman if she slapped his bum?

mbosnz · 09/04/2020 12:55

I find it very hard to understand how a person, male or female, can get to the physical age of adulthood and not have learned not to hit. I can only assume their mental age and capacity is somehow stunted. That's whether they are female or male. Equally, how they cannot have learned (by bitter experience, given they haven't learned the first lesson!), that if you hit someone, it is quite possible, even probable, that they will turn around and retaliate in kind.

Because as we can see here, while there are people that say that they would turn the other cheek, or walk away, when they are being repeatedly assaulted despite having forcefully made it plain they don't think it's funny and they don't want it to happen again, there are plenty that what is good for the goose, is good for the gander, and serve them some of their own sauce.

mbosnz · 09/04/2020 12:57

. . . that is to say 'that there are plenty that would think that what is good for the goose, is good for the gander, and would serve them some of their own sauce.'

Should have proof-read Smile

VibrationNation · 09/04/2020 13:03

Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I’m going to see your straw man and respond with one of my own.

Do you think that physical violence is unacceptable if someone has a gun pointed at you and they are about to shoot it at you and you have the opportunity to shoot them first?

Pinkblueberry · 09/04/2020 13:08

@Turquoiseeyes there is no reason be so rude and aggressive towards people for not reading the whole thread. The info the OP missed out in the first post would have completely changed the response of the majority of posters, it’s not some minor detail and the OP shouldn’t rely on people to read it in a later post if she wants constructive responses, she should have mentioned it to begin with. But then that would have been to simple and we wouldn’t have quite such a contentious thread... incidentally it is not written in law that a thread must be read through post by post before replying - so no need for you to police this so passionately.

LochJessMonster · 09/04/2020 13:09

He hit you, you hit him back.
Sounds healthy.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 13:10

Do you think that physical violence is unacceptable if someone has a gun pointed at you and they are about to shoot it at you and you have the opportunity to shoot them first?

I've already stated that self defence is acceptable but self defence should be proportionate and a last resort. I've said that already on here.

If your safety is at risk, and your only option is to react physically then that's what you do, but it still has to be proportionate. So, of you disturb an intruder and they turn around and run out the door you can't shoot them and claim self defence. Equally here, the op wasn't at risk, she doesn't say that she feared for her safety just that she was annoyed at what he did, so she had no reason to hit back.

mooboy · 09/04/2020 13:12

I'm sure it has been said a million times - tell him and if he doesn't listen you have bigger issues - hitting him back won't solve them.

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 13:12

To those that found my response aggressive many apologies.
I should have just put RTFT,

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 13:14

It would have been up to each poster which F they thought. Full or Fucking.

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