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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here regarding slapping?

181 replies

Turniptracker · 09/04/2020 10:05

Prepared to be told I am.
I was getting ready today and my partner doesn't have work today so is lying in bed. I have been enjoying just wearing comfy leggings while home (unsure if this is remotely relevant). As I am talking to him he takes it upon himself to smack me on the ass. I know some people like this, but I actually really hate it, I've never found it sexy or appealing and it stung. So I turned round and slapped him on the arm. He looked so taken aback. And I said why should you be able to just hit me with no reaction?
He is now in an absolute upset strop. I'm so sick of slapping on the ass being seen as absolutely acceptable hitting but anything else is despicable.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/04/2020 10:28

If he thought it was playful Op needed to tell him she didnt like it and to stop it.

Why would you possibly believe that striking and causing somebody pain was playful? Toddlers can get a bit physically rough and have to be taught boundaries and about other people's feelings: not grown adults.

Somebody I know used to do this frequently to his girlfriend (they're now married and he's matured a lot, thankfully) and he would laugh it off as just being playful. He tended to do it when she was being quiet or in thought - basically not paying him her full undivided attention at all times. She reacted to the sharp pain with a loud uncomfortable "Owww!", but of course 'he was only having a bit of fun with her' so she just needed to accept it and shut up Hmm

Tunnocks34 · 09/04/2020 10:29

I hate being slapped on the arse too. Difference is my husband did that many years ago and I said ‘I really don’t like that, don’t do it again’

He said ‘sorry I didn’t realise I was trying to be playful, wont happen again’

I didn’t slap him in retaliation because I’m not a child.

mbosnz · 09/04/2020 10:30

I think he should be appreciative that you only slapped him on the arm in response. . .

VibrationNation · 09/04/2020 10:30

Oops OP YADNBU.The person saying that he didn’t hit you was being unreasonable.

It is worth having a big fight over, unless there is a bigger context, just have a chat with him once you both cool down.

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 10:32

Just seen that the op has made it clear. Why the fuck do so many man think it's ok to grab, slap, or squeeze a woman's body?
Especially his wife or partner. Would he walk up to an unknown woman and assault her.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 09/04/2020 10:32

Slapped arse should be met with slapped arse back in my books. Slapped arm is more a punishment than dishing the same back but difficult to do if he is still in bed. Flicked testicles could be employed if this situation arises again, but I think you've make your position clear to him OP so it's just a case of him getting over being punished.

NoSauce · 09/04/2020 10:32

Nosauce
Why should the op make it clear that she doesn't want to be slapped on the arse?

Because if he’s been slapping her arse for the past 20 years without her saying anything of course he’s going to think it’s ok and be shocked she hit him back. That’s not the case though as she has told him she doesn’t like it.

Mylittlepony374 · 09/04/2020 10:33

I fucking hate this.YADNBU and he's lucky he only got a slap on the arm. I'd be tempted to slap his balls.

rottiemum88 · 09/04/2020 10:37

Oh FGS. Some people are so quick to call abuse that none of us would be in relationships at all if the advice here was followed.

Personally, I don't think this is abusive behaviour but your partner obviously has issues with respecting boundaries. You've told him you don't like this particular action and he's carried on. Unless you suspect any malicious intent(?) then I'd assume you slapping him back this time will have hammered the point home. Not that you should have had to, but it's happened now.

So either leave him to sulk rather than undermining yourself by trying to "make things right" again, or if you truly feel you're being abused as some here would say you are, then decide it's not acceptable to you and leave him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 10:37

He's wrong for having done it.

You're wrong for hitting him in retaliation.

Maybe time to reconsider the relationship?

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 09/04/2020 10:44

I've told him many many times I don't like it,

That is really not on. It could be classed as assault. And to persist after you've said you don't want him to is really abusive behaviour, I'm sorry.

It's a bit of a red flag, OP.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/04/2020 10:47

YANBU.

billy1966 · 09/04/2020 10:51

Not a good day OP.
Have a think.

You have asked him repeatedly to NOT do something that you find offensive.

The fact that he continues to do this and you now have retaliated in annoyance is NOT good.

I would not be impressed if someone slapped any part of me.

He is very disrespectful and I think him now taking offence indicates your relationship is not a healthy one.

In a healthy relationship you should only have had to say ONCE that that is not behaviour you will accept.

Him repeatedly doing it to you is baiting you...NOT GOOD

Iamamoleinthegarden · 09/04/2020 10:53

So you hit him back.

You are worse.

Brefugee · 09/04/2020 10:55

Yes I've told him many many times I don't like it, he is being playful but I guess this is the one that broke the camel's back and I saw red?

so do it every time - somewhere it hurts (arm is good if it's exposed, back of legs, whatever). Continue to tell him it's not acceptable, also at times when he hasn't just done it, and slap back every time.

YouDoYou18 · 09/04/2020 10:55

I’m all for body autonomy and really hate when anyone, not just men, cross the line with anything. But I also think it’s very dangerous for so many people to be calling him abusive etc.. OP if you do feel threatened or that he is abusive please seek help immediately but if not could you maybe sit down and have a frank conversation with him? Say something like ‘I’m sorry for slapping you but that’s how it feels to me when you slap my ass, can’t you do XYZ for affection instead?’ If I’ve got the right idea of him he’s definitely not trying to hurt you or anything and his heart is in the right place, his actions are just misplaced. But again if there is more and you do feel threatened then leave.

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2020 10:55

I think you need to tell him that you have told him many times you dont like it and it hurts. Its not about how he sees it it is about how you see it. And you dont like it.

No you shouldnt have hit him because it never should have gotten to the point where you had to. Because he should have stopped doing the minute you didnt like it

The problem is with it as a behaviour is yes it can be seen as playful but it can also be a power move designed to put you in your place and objectify you

grapesofraf · 09/04/2020 10:55

If you’ve told him you don’t like it he shouldn’t do it. You did right to slap him back, it’s a reflex action anyway.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/04/2020 10:56

Oh stop being so dramatic 🙄 he didn’t hit you. If you don’t like it then ask him not to do again.

Biscuit
Amymayapple · 09/04/2020 10:57

You are absolutely right!

You said it stung. He has no right whatsoever to hurt you

Alsohuman · 09/04/2020 10:57

Especially his wife or partner. Would he walk up to an unknown woman and assault her

It’s hardly comparable. I’d be really pissed off if I made it clear I didn’t like something and it continued happening.

RightOnTheEdge · 09/04/2020 10:59

OP yadnu he should have said sorry for hurting you not gone off in a sulk!
He should not have done it in the first place when you have repeatedly asked him not to.
When he's finished sulking you need to have a serious conversation with him.
If he doesn't apologise or accept how wrong he was or ever does it again then you have a big problem.

lookingformybrain that is not OK Sad You can't let him keep behaving like that to you.

Pickupapenguinnnn · 09/04/2020 10:59

I would have done the same. Tell him if he can't take it don't give it.

Amymayapple · 09/04/2020 11:00

@Alsohuman it is comparable. Just because you are in a relationship with some one does not give them total ownership over your body.

He is physically hurting her.

goldpartyhat · 09/04/2020 11:01

It seems to be a very common theme among some men that they like to touch 'their' women intimately with slaps, squeezes, grabbing boobs and bums. It's almost universal that women don't like being randomly physically assaulted at a time they are not receptive to intimate touching. It's also almost ignored by the men when told it's not wanted.

Apparently rough touching (squeezing, grabbing) is pleasurable to the toucher whereas gentle, delicate touching is pleasurable to the receiver.

Most men are so fucking stupid and selfish they are happy to upset their partner with rough touching, rather than please them with a gentle touch. Too stupid to understand the reward for them from a partner receiving a 'loving' touch, would outweigh the negative response, 100 fold.

My ex loved to grab my bum when I was bending over (like taking things out of the oven!). So glad he's my ex.