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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong here regarding slapping?

181 replies

Turniptracker · 09/04/2020 10:05

Prepared to be told I am.
I was getting ready today and my partner doesn't have work today so is lying in bed. I have been enjoying just wearing comfy leggings while home (unsure if this is remotely relevant). As I am talking to him he takes it upon himself to smack me on the ass. I know some people like this, but I actually really hate it, I've never found it sexy or appealing and it stung. So I turned round and slapped him on the arm. He looked so taken aback. And I said why should you be able to just hit me with no reaction?
He is now in an absolute upset strop. I'm so sick of slapping on the ass being seen as absolutely acceptable hitting but anything else is despicable.

OP posts:
iklboo · 09/04/2020 11:35

I think it's just a bit of fun really, let it go.

FFS. The OP DOESN'T find it 'a bit of fun' and has said so repeatedly.

ITasteSpring · 09/04/2020 11:37

The point is that in a healthy relationship, if someone knowingly and intentionally does something that the other person doesn't like, especially with regards to bodily autonomy, they are deliberately chipping away at the person's power.

Well put! This is it exactly.

I hate this ' I was only joking' 'I was only playing' defence for doing something which you know is hurtful or upsetting or someone just does not like, whether its words (my racist comment was only a joke!) . It's the defence of the bully whose also too much of a coward to pick on someone who can do him harm. If he has a female boss I bet he knows better than to slap her body.

Toomboom · 09/04/2020 11:38

YANBU, he hit you hard enough to sting, that is some force.. A very light tap wouldn't do that.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 11:39

Even if you hadn’t told him before that you didn’t like it, when you hit someone expect to be hit back.

So he would have been justified in hitting her back, because she hit him? And then what?

ITasteSpring · 09/04/2020 11:40

And your partner is an arsehole - when he hits you are expected to put up with him doing in forever. When he hits you he sulks. What a hypocrite!

Read 'the seven principles of a successful marriage' (all based on research). One of them is 'let your partner influence you'. Your partner isn't. He is ignoring you. Not a good relationship.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 09/04/2020 11:40

So I assume all those screaming abuse would agree she's also abusive as she hit him back? It's not abuse and calling it that minimizes actual abuse.

Bullshite! Even the law recognises a person’s right to use their hands to defend themselves. That’s what the OP did. How dare you police another woman’s right to acknowledge what she considers abuse! Shame on you.

Saturdayk · 09/04/2020 11:43

YANBU
Your body your rules. He likely didn’t intend to offend you, but it shouldn’t be assumed that someone likes this being done to them and it’s absolutely ok for you to express the fact you don’t like it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 11:43

Even the law recognises a person’s right to use their hands to defend themselves.

But only under certain circumstances.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/04/2020 11:43

I think it's just a bit of fun really, let it go.

Gaslighting.

Billben · 09/04/2020 11:44

But you went too far slapping him on the arm.

😂 If my DH kept slapping me on the arse even though I told him I didn’t like it, believe me it’s a fist he would be getting back not a slap. As he is much bigger than me, he would barely feel my smack on the arm. He would also be told a few F-words too to make sure the message gets through. And you can call me abusive all you like.

Pinkblueberry · 09/04/2020 11:44

I slap my DH on the ass, as a sort of sign of affection if you like - he has a great bum - he does the same to me. I don’t think that’s so unusual with couples. You don’t slap someone on the arm in the same context. If you don’t like it then you could have just told him - you sound outraged at being slapped but slapping him back in frustration hardly makes you the better person.

ITasteSpring · 09/04/2020 11:45

He likely didn’t intend to offend you

She has told him repeatedly she does not like it. He has no credible defence for not realising it would offend her.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/04/2020 11:46

I slap my DH on the ass,

According to many on here, they'd support his right to hit you back. (Doubt they would though)

deydododatdodontdeydo · 09/04/2020 11:46

You did it in anger, where he did it "playfully".
That said, if you don't like it, he shouldn't do it.
I do it to DH sometimes, he doesn't seem to mind, but if he turned round and slapped my arm in anger I'd be annoyed.

dottiedodah · 09/04/2020 11:46

I personally dont like this ,It smacks of "possession" to me .Bearing in mind you have told him you dont like it, it then you are not at all unreasonable!

ITasteSpring · 09/04/2020 11:47

If you don’t like it then you could have just told him

She has, he keeps hitting her.

Pinkblueberry · 09/04/2020 11:48

Yes I've told him many many times I don't like it, he is being playful but I guess this is the one that broke the camel's back and I saw red?

Just seen this follow up - would have been worth writing this in the OP don’t you think? The responses would be quite different then Hmm

ITasteSpring · 09/04/2020 11:50

I slap my DH on the ass

According to many on here, they'd support his right to hit you back

Nope - the poster you are refering to makes it clear that this is a mutual thing her and her partner consensually do to each other.
Nothing like the situation of OP where she is repeatedly being hit despite repeatedly saying telling the hitter that she hates it.

MintyMabel · 09/04/2020 11:52

You've responded to an act that is meant to be a crude expression of appreciation with physical violence intended to punish, which really has no place in a relationship.

He only slaps her arse because he loves her, eh?

rainbow1982 · 09/04/2020 11:53

I love a good slap on the bum off my fiancé BUT if I told him I didn't like it, it'd only take once and I know he'd never do it again.

Next time he does it kick him right in the bollocks, smile sweetly at him and walk away. Job done.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 09/04/2020 11:53

ven the law recognises a person’s right to use their hands to defend themselves.

But only under certain circumstances.

Such as being repeatedly slapped when the victim has already stated that they don’t wish to be touched in such a way.

According to many on here, they'd support his right to hit you back.

If the woman was told not to repeatedly assault the man, then absolutely, he could slap her on the arm. If you don’t want to take it, then don’t dish it out.

Turquoiseeyes · 09/04/2020 11:53

Pink blueberry, it would have been worth you reading the full thread then maybe your dismissive response would have changed.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 09/04/2020 11:54

all those screaming abuse would agree she's also abusive as she hit him back? It's not abuse and calling it that minimizes actual abuse.

Nobody is screaming. Characterising anyone who disagrees as 'screaming' is a strange thing to do, don't you think?

As for minimising abuse - abuse in a relationship is just about always a pattern, not a single incident or event. There will just about always be various clues and signs - and disregarding someone else's wishes about their body is definitely one of them.

Calling it 'a laugh' and 'playful' is minimising and gaslighting. The OP doesn't find it 'a laugh' - so at very best what do we call it when we take the piss out of someone for our amusement at their expense? Call it bullying, if you're scared of the word abuse. It's wrong.

YorkshirePud1 · 09/04/2020 11:55

My ex used to do this a lot. As well as dry hump me, grab my boobs and anywhere else he wanted to - sometimes in public. I told him constantly I didn't like it and to stop but he didn't and so that's why he's an ex amongst other things. If you liked it, fair enough, some people do, but you've made it clear you don't and him continuing is disrespectful. Stick to your guns and ignore his sulking.

Mumto1girl3boys · 09/04/2020 11:55

My blood boils when my oh does this. Ive told him millions of times not to do it but yet it continues, so i know how you feel!!