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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Nenevalleykayaker · 28/02/2021 13:32

@TheyIsMyFamily Oh I see. Blimmin’ zombie threads Confused. Womder how many marriages end because a bunch of strangers on Mumsnet told them to LTB.

Katr673 · 28/02/2021 13:38

Just caught up with your updates OP. So pleased you left and delighted you and your son are doing well. I wish more women would find the strength to leave abusive partners. Wishing you well for your future ❤

Nenevalleykayaker · 28/02/2021 13:39

Seen the update half way through the thread.

So your husband supported you financially and then you left him and he continues to support you financially.

No wonder there’s so many ‘why won’t he propose’ threads on this forum Hmm

Bangobob · 28/02/2021 13:55

First suspect he may be spending money on things you dont know about....then you must focus on just caring for your son...do not wash his clothes,cook,clean etc...nothing in the bedroom department of course...how are you supposed to feel romantic when treated like a pennyless slave..tell him...by the sounds of him dont expect an easy ride....show him some part time job apps so he knows you are trying..good luck

Kokosrieksts · 28/02/2021 14:03

I can understand a couple having their own money if they don’t have children, but as soon as kids come in play it’s not that simple anymore as one of the parents have to step up for childcare and it’s very unreasonable for the working parent to think the other isn’t contributing.

SnappedAndFarted18 · 28/02/2021 14:04

OP I know I’m a bit late to the party but I wanted to say after reading your updates this is fantastic I’m so glad you finally left him & I hope he really realizes what a greedy pig he was towards not only you but his own son too. It’s good to see you & your son are doing well & good luck with your baking business I hope it all goes well for you, you definitely deserve it 😌 x

VinterKvinna · 28/02/2021 14:04

@Nenevalleykayaker

Seen the update half way through the thread.

So your husband supported you financially and then you left him and he continues to support you financially.

No wonder there’s so many ‘why won’t he propose’ threads on this forum Hmm

Did you read the posts by the op??? Or are you answering a different thread?

Exh refused to pay for anything including childcare so op was unable to work,

We both agreed I would go back to work part time as long as my wage covered my share of the bills and childcare. Which it did and meant I was left with nothing for myself. My husband earned 4 times as much as me a month but was paying the same amount into the bills as me.

starray · 28/02/2021 14:18

Awful man. Especially when he is stinging on his child as well. That's inexcusable.

CookieClub · 28/02/2021 14:30

[quote Moominmama79]@PurpleMustang we sold the house and he is now renting which is a lot more than our mortgage payments were. He's also paying a big chunk of child maintenance which he wasn't paying before[/quote]
Haha fantastic OP, I'd love to see his face seen as he's paying out more now!

Out of curiosity, how was he about you moving his son 200 miles away? (doubtful that he cares, sadly)

Tistheseason17 · 28/02/2021 14:32

OP - well done!! You deserve this. You gave up everything when your DS came along and your ex financially abused you.

Glad you are happy now Smile

Chewingle · 28/02/2021 15:03

@Nenevalleykayaker

* currently in literal rags, tshirt and trews with holes in grin it’s a hark back to my lone parent days when I bought clothes from charity shops and begrudged spending 10p on myself at the best of times.*

Does your husband not offer to help buy you some new clothes?!

mcmooberry · 28/02/2021 15:13

Oh well done! I hate threads where (mostly) men expect their part time or lower paid wives to pay for half of everything and do all the childcare etc! Total financial abuse, serves him right that you left.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/02/2021 16:37

I'm also looking into doing some online courses to improve my chances of work.

I'm a bit confused. How are you better off if you still arent working to support yourself?

What are you living off/paying rent with?

CookieClub · 28/02/2021 16:47

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I'm also looking into doing some online courses to improve my chances of work.

I'm a bit confused. How are you better off if you still arent working to support yourself?

What are you living off/paying rent with?

They sold the house, so I presume she is living off of savings? Although I'm sure mentioned living with her mum
Mmn654123 · 28/02/2021 16:52

@Nenevalleykayaker

He is paying for everything When you had a job, you paid for nothing.

If your child is at school for 6 hours a day, yes you do the housework and possibly cook for everyone in that time, which should be seen as ^you supporting the family’ albeit in a practical way rather than financial like your husband.

I’m in a similar situation. I’m currently furloughed but only work part time so my husband also pays for everything, I don’t contribute to any bills whatsoever.
My wages go on food for me and the kids (he cooks separately because he has non veggie cuisine) and my own bills for car stuff and school clothes.

(I don’t buy anything for myself anyway, currently in literal rags, tshirt and trews with holes in Grin it’s a hark back to my lone parent days when I bought clothes from charity shops and begrudged spending 10p on myself at the best of times.)

Anyway, point is, he will pay my emergency car bills if needed to, he happily bungs a tenner here and there if I need it (blood from stone trying to get me to borrow money off anyone though), and he would buy new tech or whatever for the family because it’s for the family.

So your husband is just different. Everyone is.

He’s probably feeling overwhelmed with the idea he’s financially supporting everyone and even a token nod from you would make all the difference. That’s not placating a disgruntled man, that’s being considerate which is the simple key to a happy marriage.

Try it this afternoon. Gently and calmly explain you don’t feel entitled to be financially supported by him of course you don’t it’s not the 1950s, but whilst you have no income apart from child benefit and child tax credit (about £150 a month if I remember rightly) then you’re happy to contribute practically at least until you can find new work.

If he still disagrees, he can leave his job and stay home to do the childcare and housework, whilst you go out to work.
Or hand him the calculations for wraparound childcare if you find a full time job.

See it from a man’s point of view, all he sees is his money being spent on everything, and that you contribute nothing valuable. Stop doing the laundry and housework, he’ll soon appreciate what you do do.

And maybe push some of that £150 in child benefit and child tax credit towards the bills?

Are you on something? Quite aside from rtft, are you quite insane?
Margotshypotheticaldog · 28/02/2021 17:55

Nenevalleykayaker the good news for you, and the others like you on this thread, is that this gem of a man is now back on the market, and looking for his next surrendered wife.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 28/02/2021 17:56

There's a lid for every pot as my mother used to say.

billy1966 · 28/02/2021 18:09

I hope the OP is living her best life.
Flowers

Nenevalleykayaker · 01/03/2021 02:45

@Mmn654123 sorry I haven’t read this thread fully didn’t realise it was a zombie.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 01/03/2021 02:47

It’s not a zombie thread - it has an update!

GeekGurl2000 · 01/03/2021 03:00

Send him an invoice for a year of nanny services, housekeeping services, cooking, laundry, etc for any chores you do.

Is alimony a thing in the UK?

What your husband is doing is known as financial abuse.

www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jbswil/new_resources_for_anyone_looking_to_help_those_in/

mainsfed · 01/03/2021 07:26

So happy to read this! This thread should be pinned, as inspiration to other women.

mainsfed · 01/03/2021 07:27

Are you on something? Quite aside from rtft, are you quite insane?

Grin
cherrybunx0 · 01/03/2021 08:37

the good news for you, and the others like you on this thread, is that this gem of a man is now back on the market, and looking for his next surrendered wife

made me chuckle!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/03/2021 10:26

He sounded like a dick.

So pleased for you OP, glad you are much happier now. Reading your OPs made me sad and i was glad this was an updated post. All the best to you and your DC's bright future Star

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