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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 28/02/2021 06:58

Oh come on @rwalker Op’s husband was financially abusing her, she had full time employment until she went part time and full time unpaid childcarer He with held money for driving lessons and outing FFS
So happy for you that you left behind such a controlling miserable relationship Op

makingmammaries · 28/02/2021 07:04

Maybe you should invite him to fit his job around school hours so that you can work full-time.

I am sole breadwinner in our household. It means my salary pays for everything. Just how it is. It doesn’t mean that I present every loaf of bread as a gift for which DH should be grateful.

Changeychange1 · 28/02/2021 07:16

I’ve read your updates OP. Glad things are working out.

In my view, £800 a month spare really isn’t very much at all. It was, of course very unfair that he had that money and you didn’t, but ultimately it sounds as though you were a very low income family unit and that caused money issues and frustrations for both of you.

Good luck for the future OP Flowers

Googlebrained · 28/02/2021 07:27

I'm so pleased for you OP. The thing that depressed me more in this thread were the number of people attacking you for being unreasonable! Shocking. They don't seem to understand how difficult it is when you have an unsupportive, controlling partner. They also ignored how you had to pay for all the childcare and do/arrange all the childcare and housework.

I love the fact that he hates suddenly having to do his own housework now. It goes to show how entitled he always has been. Who doesn't have to do their own washing FGS?!

So pleased for you.

Trethew · 28/02/2021 07:31

OP does he “get it”? Does he actually understand and accept why you left?

Googlebrained · 28/02/2021 07:35

Well Changeychange, £800 is a fortune when compared to £150, and that's the point, isn't it? And that he used her small amount of money for herself as a stick to beat her with.

How can a boiler you use every day be a present for the other person living in the house? How can someone expect the other person to pay for alll the childcare out of their wages when the child belonged to both of them? Why is it fair that he would just have to work and do nothing else, whereas the OP would still have to organise all the childcare and do all the housework even if she did work full time.

The point is that he didn't see having a family as being part of a team. He wanted all the upsides, not having to look after his domestic needs or his child, without any of the downsides, having to pay a bit more to support his family. Entitled tosser.

Susanthepig · 28/02/2021 07:43

A brilliant update! Well done.

£800 a month spare really isn’t very much at all

Really? I’d love 800 spare a month and I’m sure many others would too.

Labobo · 28/02/2021 07:56

We got life insurance for me when DC were little. The salesman sat down and explained to DH that if I died, he'd have to pay X for wraparound childcare, Y for housecleaning and laundry, Z for cooking and more besides for a PA to run errands such as taking the cat to the vet or staying in for deliveries. This was nearly twenty years ago and my contribution was valued at £40k which really made DH realise what I was worth as a SAHM. Explain this to him. If he doesn't then get it, he is being wilfully financially abusive.

Confusedandshaken · 28/02/2021 08:03

I haven't worked full time since our first child was born 30 years ago. I haven't had any paid work for 10 years. My husband funds everything. As far as I know he has never resented this. He has certainly never objected to my spending any money I want to spend. He always refers to money as 'our' money. When we paid off our (previously vast) mortgage early I said to him he should be proud of what he had achieved and he corrected me and said that we had achieved it together. My overall financial contribution to our lives has been a fraction of his but I contribute in many other ways and have stepped up financially in a crisis (working 3 pt jobs to ensure the mortgage was paid when he was made redundant for example).

I'm not saying everyone should have my husbands attitude. He wants to provide and take care of our family which is an old fashioned attitude but your husband is entirely unreasonable. He knows that you want to work but can't at the moment. You can't contribute money you don't have. And what he spends on the house and family is not for 'you', it's for your family unit.

I'm a trained (although no longer practicing) couples therapist. Disagreements about money are a huge issue in many marriages. I've seen more couples struggling with the sort of things you are talking about than struggling with sexual incompatibility or infidelity. I would suggest the two of you look for some joint counselling to work this through.

axile234 · 28/02/2021 08:04

Lady you need a new husband . why you putting up with this crap

Confusedandshaken · 28/02/2021 08:07

Just seen your update. Bloody well done! I never say LTB but I'm so glad you did.

Igmum · 28/02/2021 08:10

So happy for you Moomin. Hope it's all still going well and very well done WinkThanks

Thewinterofdiscontent · 28/02/2021 08:21

Well done Op!

£800 a month spare makes you a low income family?! Are you meaning disposable income generally rather than left over at the end of the month though?

OutOfTheDoorNow · 28/02/2021 08:28

Congratulations on leaving @Moominmama79 I am really pleased you came back to update (albeit 2 months ago)

I hope you are able to make a success of your new life without him and pleased your son is settled.

As a long term SAHM with a disability it was quite shocking to read some of the replies to your more than reasonable request of shared money. Dh has never begrudged me or the children one penny because he loves us. We had friends in a similar situation to yours and Dh was appalled at the attitude of the husband toward his wife and told the husband that.

Good luck in your new venture.

Therarestone · 28/02/2021 08:29

So sorry that you are having to deal with this. You deserve better. He is controlling.

Therarestone · 28/02/2021 08:32

Ah, just caught up. That's fantastic! What a happy ending SmileFlowers so happy for you

RosieGirl27 · 28/02/2021 08:39

Just read your update, I am so happy for you and your son. Wishing you all the best in your new life.

BessMarvin · 28/02/2021 08:41

@Dddccc

Everyone saying well done the op dragged their child 200 miles away from his father out of spite hope he takes you to court for proper contact also as you moved you would have to pay the cost of taking your child to see and stay with his dad dont think you realise the damage you would have caused your child, my mother did that to me and I am now in my 30s and still hate her for moving us away from my dad and you are all gleeful about it, I have followed this tread and it was always your wants and needs
Going to her mother for support is not spite.

The fact her dh would not contribute anything to childcare or do much around the house or buy her essentials, is hardly all about her wants and needs.

If that's what you got from reading the thread as you claim, you should probably refrain from commenting.

WeatherwaxOn · 28/02/2021 08:45

Other than his sperm, what is his contribution to the family dynamic?

WeatherwaxOn · 28/02/2021 08:46

^Sorry should have rtft first.

Notanotherfreak · 28/02/2021 08:53

Brilliant OP! What an absolute idiot he was. And now he is paying legally what he should. He sounds like my ex, lovely in the beginning and then constantly on my back to pay 50/50 even though he earned three times what I did. He’d even take money from me for my bus fare 🤣 - he was hugely controlling and it’s never about the money when it comes down to it with these men, it’s just a way to belittle & control.
So happy for you.

SixesAndEights · 28/02/2021 08:55

What a wonderful update OP!!! So pleased you left this toxic and abusive relationship and are doing well for you and your son.

Also really pleased to hear that your ex has come down to earth with quite a bump!

ememem84 · 28/02/2021 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ememem84 · 28/02/2021 09:01

Ignore my last post...

QuothTheSlothNevermore · 28/02/2021 09:05

Good for you OP, it sounded like an awful situation. Best of luck with everything Flowers

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