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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Milliepossum · 28/02/2021 09:07

@Googlebrained

Well Changeychange, £800 is a fortune when compared to £150, and that's the point, isn't it? And that he used her small amount of money for herself as a stick to beat her with.

How can a boiler you use every day be a present for the other person living in the house? How can someone expect the other person to pay for alll the childcare out of their wages when the child belonged to both of them? Why is it fair that he would just have to work and do nothing else, whereas the OP would still have to organise all the childcare and do all the housework even if she did work full time.

The point is that he didn't see having a family as being part of a team. He wanted all the upsides, not having to look after his domestic needs or his child, without any of the downsides, having to pay a bit more to support his family. Entitled tosser.

My late husband was financially abusive, even though I earned more than him. I had to pay for everything for my children out of a measly allowance he dictated. He however always bought what he wanted when he wanted. His mother taught him to be like that with money and to similarly treat people like servants. They can only do it because they are selfish to the core. Anyway I managed to take all the savings so that was quite a shock for him. OP, I’m glad your ex now has to pay, he won’t be as upset having to do his own chores as he will be to have lost control over the money and you. His image is wrecked, in his own mind he probably thought he had to be worshipped, don’t for a second feel sorry for him, just like he didn’t spare a thought for you.
DoLallyTapMum · 28/02/2021 09:09

This is awful but I am also confused by why, when in work, you don’t contribute. Surely you should both pay a percentage of your incomes towards bills and have some left over for personal expenditure. My parents have always had an allowance each a week of £20 (even when really hard up) for things they wanted but all other money was shared and in a pot. Even working part time you must have been earning a few hundred a month (if earning minimum wage) so I would have expected you to contribute something to the household as I don’t have that much personal spending money a month.

DoLallyTapMum · 28/02/2021 09:16

Sorry should have read the whole thread, sounds like you absolutely did the right thing.

2bazookas · 28/02/2021 09:18

As he treats you like his housekeeper/nanny, it' high time he started paying your wages.

RampantIvy · 28/02/2021 09:20

@2bazookas

As he treats you like his housekeeper/nanny, it' high time he started paying your wages.
Please read the OP's updates. She left him months ago.
Choccorocco · 28/02/2021 09:31

OP what a wonderful ending. It wasn’t right, the finances need to be shared across the family. I can’t believe he wouldn’t contribute towards childcare! This is an issue for me because I made the mistake of thinking I had to pay for all childcare out of my wage or it would not be worth going back to work - as I didn’t earn that much, it didn’t make sense. Now I have lost my career and I wish I had done things differently, getting my husband to pay half the childcare.
It’s great to hear that you had such a good outcome - well done.

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/02/2021 09:34

I despise men who have lots of disposable cash to spend on what they want and live like kings but let their wives and kids live on scraps. He probably considers your joint child as "your" child to provide for.

He is nasty at worse, thoughtless at best.

You are married in a joint household not housemates at university.

I would also show him this thread and ask him what he wants to do change the situation as you are at breaking point and will divorce him if it continues.

timeisnotaline · 28/02/2021 09:35

@DoLallyTapMum

This is awful but I am also confused by why, when in work, you don’t contribute. Surely you should both pay a percentage of your incomes towards bills and have some left over for personal expenditure. My parents have always had an allowance each a week of £20 (even when really hard up) for things they wanted but all other money was shared and in a pot. Even working part time you must have been earning a few hundred a month (if earning minimum wage) so I would have expected you to contribute something to the household as I don’t have that much personal spending money a month.
Did you read it? He never gave op spending money, and had £800 spare cash he kept a month. So when she worked and had maybe £200 left a month after covering all childcare because he refused to pay any, she wanted to keep that. Should she really have contributed 30 to bills so he could have 830 and she had 170 left? And did all the cooking cleaning and childcare? He did nothing on the weekends. At what point should she decide I’m a human being too?

I should probably have ignored but these comments get me so annoyed.

IEat · 28/02/2021 09:37

Don’t bills come out if one account that you both put in money . X % of both wages. I’d not want to contribute.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 28/02/2021 09:43

Moominmama I applaud you! Your optimism, positivity and excitement for your future jump out from your updated posts.
It's a modern day fairytale ending 😊

Cloudbeeb · 28/02/2021 09:50

So happy to read your update OP

ZenNudist · 28/02/2021 09:51

He is financially abusive. You need to get a job. If I were you I'd stop prioritising his career and look towards equality. You need to retrain, share the child care load so you can plan to earn as much or more than him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/02/2021 09:55

@ginswinger

Did you take the boiler? It was your gift after all ....
And teh carpets, remember? Smile

Great update, Moominmama. I hope you, your DS and your baking business will be very happy and loved!

ZenNudist · 28/02/2021 09:56

Just seen the update didn't realise it was a resurrected thread! Good luck OP. Nice to know it all worked out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/02/2021 09:57

@ZenNudist

He is financially abusive. You need to get a job. If I were you I'd stop prioritising his career and look towards equality. You need to retrain, share the child care load so you can plan to earn as much or more than him.
And if I were you I'd read all the posts, even reading only the OPs posts, see the new Read All facility. It helps catch up on older threads.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/02/2021 09:57

@ZenNudist

Just seen the update didn't realise it was a resurrected thread! Good luck OP. Nice to know it all worked out.
Oops! Cross post.. and I am REALLY glad I wasn't snippy {grin]
didthosefeetinancienttimes · 28/02/2021 10:02

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_v_White - bedrock of UK law regarding "work of equal value" in divorces.

And for the "I'm marvellous I've got a full time job why haven't you, no wonder your husband abuses you he's right" apologists for abusive men on here, I give you the Lucky Bastard sketch from Life of Brian:

It's like feminism never happened - oh yes, for some people it didn't. Do keep siding with your oppressor and see where it gets you.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 28/02/2021 10:20

You sold the house - I hope you negotiated more than 50% share of the equity based on the fact it contained the kitchen and carpets that were his "gifts" to you Grin

Well done on leaving Wine

cherrybunx0 · 28/02/2021 10:39

well done OP, so glad to see your updates. from your very first post he sounded like a dick, I was also really confused at the posters who were failing to understand why you couldnt give him your entire tiny wage of 150 pounds because you would then have nothing left over for essentials yourself. dont even get me started on the housework/childcare balance.

as you have discovered, in the situation you were in, you are financially much better off alone as you get more help. when applying for help (universal credits etc.) the reason you have to apply jointly if you cohabit is because it is assumed any money coming in is exactly that - joint. very relieved you managed to get away and that you and your son are doing so well :)

cakewench · 28/02/2021 10:52

Thank you so much for updating us, OP! I’m so glad it’s working out for you.

B3ttyBoop · 28/02/2021 10:53

Alot of people have lost their jobs due to Covid. He's being unreasonable and putting you down. Also he sounds more than a bit financially controlling. If the roles were reversed would you leave him completely without money?

Replacing household items is just that, he hasn't bought them for you - he's trying to elevate himself and belittle you.

OP get some quotes for childcare, housework, cooking etc - tot up the hours you do in the household and remind him that's how much you contribute. Also if you decided to leave him, you would be legally entitled to half the house.

B3ttyBoop · 28/02/2021 10:59

Just read all you messages - you left him and now he's worse off financially and he has to do his own housework...poor thing!😂 You have a better life now. Good for you, i hope life remains settled for you without people who put you down 💜

Rainbowsandstorms · 28/02/2021 11:14

This isn’t right. It makes me really sad that you’re treated like this. You’re a family and a team. We are married with two children and In our house any money that comes into our house is family money. It goes into one pot and all of our bills, food shopping, expenses, kids clothes, holidays etc all come out of that one pot. We then aim to save some in joint names and each have the same individual spending allowance to do what we want with. At present I’m a stay at home mum but my contribution is seen by both of us as being just as important as my husband’s though I obviously don’t bring in any money. Before we had children I earned slightly more but we had the same arrangement. There is no talk of my husband’s wages being his money as he works and I’m currently caring for our young children which is also a really important role. Longer term I’ll go back to work part time so I can still care for our children for part of the week and the same arrangement will stand. I hate seeing men not allowing their partner access to money when their partner’s earning potential has been impacted by having their children or by caring for their children, it’s so cruel and I can’t understand their attitude.

Rainbowsandstorms · 28/02/2021 11:16

Sorry I’ve just seen that you’ve left him. Good for you I’m sorry he treated you like this.

Douchebaggette · 28/02/2021 11:16

Well done OP - sounds like you're building a lovely life for yourself and your son!