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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 28/02/2021 11:17

Well when you divorce you’ll get 50% of the marital assets plus he’ll have to pay maintenance from his salary and he’ll have to pay his bills just like he does now...I’d love to see how he likes them apples!! (He sounds like a selfish twat - they are the most fun to take down...)

chipsandgin · 28/02/2021 11:19

Ah, just seen the update...you did it :)

Well done, I hope you enjoy every moment without him!

randomsabreuse · 28/02/2021 11:29

Twat. We worked out that me (as SAHP) would be way more expensive to replace than DH because I do all the out of childcare hours parenting necessary for his job...

I have way more life insurance than he dies as a result of that conversation/calculation...

marthamydear · 28/02/2021 11:35

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/feb/28/mums-women-coronavirus-covid-home-schooling-inequality

May have been posted already, but all too true.

DuckPancake · 28/02/2021 11:38

I experienced something similar OP, he was financially abusive and very much a one man band. He's now my ex.

Motnight · 28/02/2021 11:40

I think that the issues here may have arisen partly since you very clearly saw your salary as your money, and your husband is doing the same. It is not fair at all though with the situation that you are now currently in, and it is awful that your husband is treating you this way.

timetest · 28/02/2021 11:40

Brilliant outcome. Enjoy your life away from him.

Motnight · 28/02/2021 11:44

Oh blimey just seen the update 😂 Well done, Op!!

TheyIsMyFamily · 28/02/2021 11:47

Good for you, OP. He was financially abusing you and now he's reaping what he sowed ... living well and happily is the best revenge.

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 12:02

Who is voting YABU? This man sounds vile. You need to have a serious conversation about this, and get a sensible friend in on the conversation if he isn't convinced. People like this make my blood boil.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 28/02/2021 12:03

You go girl! I am sick of some some not stepping up and not valuing the unpaid work that women do. Good for you Smile

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 12:04

I can't see the update, but well done for getting out!

Somethingsnappy · 28/02/2021 12:15

I was so glad to read your update OP! He has got exactly what he deserved. He was abusive and now he's lost out in a big way. Legally and morally, 'his' money was always yours too of course. It's already been explained so articulately on this thread, so no need for me to go into detail about this. I hope he has learned a valuable lesson. Good luck to you for your future; you sound as though you are doing amazingly well!

Chewingle · 28/02/2021 12:27

How much CM is he paying?
Are you doing formally or agreed between two of you?

RantyAnty · 28/02/2021 12:28

Well done on leaving the arse and happy to hear your and your DC are doing much better without him!

I'm snickering a bit imagining him having to pay CM and do his own housework, cooking, etc. as well as being in a rental and having to pay more for it. Grin

Melroses · 28/02/2021 12:45

Paying 50/50 is unsustainable with unequal incomes.

The person with the higher income can always afford a more expensive lifestyle, bigger house, fancier food etc, and the person with the lower income will always be stretched.

As time goes on, this disparity increases, even before you add on the cost of time out to have children and the effect of that on future earnings.

If you want a happy life together, to enjoy each other's company, do things together, travel together, you need to pool resources to some extent for that to happen and keep on happening.

If you can't do that, there is no point hanging on and investing in it.

SparkysMagicPiano · 28/02/2021 12:48

There are over 900 posts on this thread and still posters have to leap straight in with their (now irrelevant) comments before even bothering to wonder if the OP may have provided any updates*.

It's literally one click on "see all".

*CLUE: She has

Nenevalleykayaker · 28/02/2021 12:49

He is paying for everything
When you had a job, you paid for nothing.

If your child is at school for 6 hours a day, yes you do the housework and possibly cook for everyone in that time, which should be seen as ^you supporting the family’ albeit in a practical way rather than financial like your husband.

I’m in a similar situation. I’m currently furloughed but only work part time so my husband also pays for everything, I don’t contribute to any bills whatsoever.
My wages go on food for me and the kids (he cooks separately because he has non veggie cuisine) and my own bills for car stuff and school clothes.

(I don’t buy anything for myself anyway, currently in literal rags, tshirt and trews with holes in Grin it’s a hark back to my lone parent days when I bought clothes from charity shops and begrudged spending 10p on myself at the best of times.)

Anyway, point is, he will pay my emergency car bills if needed to, he happily bungs a tenner here and there if I need it (blood from stone trying to get me to borrow money off anyone though), and he would buy new tech or whatever for the family because it’s for the family.

So your husband is just different. Everyone is.

He’s probably feeling overwhelmed with the idea he’s financially supporting everyone and even a token nod from you would make all the difference. That’s not placating a disgruntled man, that’s being considerate which is the simple key to a happy marriage.

Try it this afternoon. Gently and calmly explain you don’t feel entitled to be financially supported by him of course you don’t it’s not the 1950s, but whilst you have no income apart from child benefit and child tax credit (about £150 a month if I remember rightly) then you’re happy to contribute practically at least until you can find new work.

If he still disagrees, he can leave his job and stay home to do the childcare and housework, whilst you go out to work.
Or hand him the calculations for wraparound childcare if you find a full time job.

See it from a man’s point of view, all he sees is his money being spent on everything, and that you contribute nothing valuable. Stop doing the laundry and housework, he’ll soon appreciate what you do do.

And maybe push some of that £150 in child benefit and child tax credit towards the bills?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/02/2021 12:50

And there you go, @Nenevalleykayaker

Read All...

BovrilonToast · 28/02/2021 12:59

@Moominmama79. I’m so pleased for you, enjoy rebuilding your life. Flowers

Katr673 · 28/02/2021 13:10

@LovingLola

He’s a fucking gobshite
I agree, sums him up rather well
TheyIsMyFamily · 28/02/2021 13:12

Do try and catch up Nenevalley. OP left the aresehole 5 months ago and is happy and settled with the DC. Her ex, otoh, is struggling and moaning about having to do his own chores now.

WineIsMyMainVice · 28/02/2021 13:14

@Lazydaisydaydream

Sounds like he is financially abusive to be honest. Sad
Agree
MimiDaisy11 · 28/02/2021 13:16

Good to read that you left and that you're doing well for yourself now! Smile

InsomniaAgain · 28/02/2021 13:19

That sounds awful.