AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

[Smiliestar87]

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

surely there is no need to decide now what to do about attending. its just a Save the Date. No need to reply or say if going or not.

I'd see how the friendship goes up to time of the invite. I bet its now changed though and you hardly see them, so then no need to attend.

RTFT

He shouldn’t have gone captain - no question.

I still think, like you, if you can’t afford to invite a couple, then you don’t invite either.

In that last example though it sounded just a bit odd to change what had already been discussed.

Not woman blaming for the actions of a man. If the sexed were reversed I’d have said the same. Just a bit arseholy all round.

It's not impressive behaviour from a so-called best friend, OP. At any rate, a save the date over a year away?! Self-indulgent wankery. Jesus wept, how many of these huge weddings have had to be cancelled in the past month and until June at least? The world's uncertain just now. Between this and taking on bloody debt to go to a wedding, I wouldn't go. With things like this, you feel like an afterthought or a fifth wheel and are usually treated as such (sat at a crap table, expected to babysit someone they had to invite, etc). Nope. You don't have to respond to save the dates, so I'd just say nothing. By this time next year they could be split up. But it would alter the friendship, honestly, I wouldn't see this person the same way.

It’s just a save the date which is generally very generic. Wait until you have the invite before you start to panic and get angry.

Either way, it’s their choice, weddings are pricey and have a limited amount of people that attend. I went to a colleague’s wedding where they didn’t invite my DP (but our other colleague DP was), I was upset and irritated by it at first but they had never met my DP, and had met the other a few times. I eventually got over it and understood.

At my wedding, all my friends weren’t given a plus one, unless they were married or I already knew the partner. This didn’t matter too much with my friends as all of them were pretty much single at the time, one married. I did have one friend who wanted to bring her partner along but I had to say no because I didn't have room in the venue for the sit down meal to have and pay for someone I had never met. I offered an invite to him as an evening guest instead.

But the friend knows her partner, she's been with her partner for many years. Nah. Just think of the money you won't be paying off with interest to go to his poxy wedding where you'll be an afterthought sat at some back table on your own.

I’m going to say something unpopular.

People have weddings they can’t afford at the expense of etiquette and decency.

I would never throw a party and not think about ensuring guests have a good time but it seems entirely legitimate to now do this as the wedding couple are entitled to their perfect day.

The reality is, it’s likely that your partner will be invited when the full invite comes out. If you’ve hosted the couple and welcomed them into your home, they will undoubtedly realise that it’s a bit off to only invite one. However, it could also be “uni people only” you’ll just have to see when the time comes and then decide if you want to go. I’ve said no to a few where I would have to spend £300+ just to attend on my own as i can’t really justify that money out of the family pot!

I wouldn't go. You might value the friendship, enough to pay the few hundred £ to attend, but they clearly don't.

Oh just read your update!

So this is going to be awkward however you play it. If you go, it’s going to be really weird next time you want to catch up as a foursome. Like imagine inviting them to your house after the wedding... it will be the elephant in the room the whole time and your friend knows it!

I agree, Incredibly. The worst hosting I've seen has been at weddings.

Totally agree @Incrediblytired

The mindset around weddings is totally dysfunctional. You wouldn’t invite a friend but exclude their partner from a birthday party or any other gathering. People hope for a lot of magnanimity from others when it comes to weddings. So often (given the number of posts you see about it in MN) the events seem to manifest as huge anti-diplomacy missions.

Wow! I was expecting everyone to disagree and say “it’s the brides big day” but glad to see I’m not alone!

It's crap behaviour from a best friend especially as they know there's overnight travel and expense involved. Sounds like they're the type to be all about the venue and such hence a save the date over a year in advance and personally, I'd not be surprised if you go, you find yourself sat at the back to babysit someone. To get into debt for that? Nope. It's not just about paying it back, it's paying it back with interest. Sit down and calculate how many hours you'll need to work to pay that back. And people like this, I can guarantee they'll be a 'give us money' tout in the actual invitation and so you feel guilty because it's a 'best friend' and hand over more than you can afford, which is nil because you have to go into debt to attend this.