AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

[Smiliestar87]

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

They probably/ possibly meant to invite both of you. I remember my mum and dad getting really upset and not knowing what to do when they got a save the date for just one of them. Eventually my mum plucked up the courage to call and say she wasn't sure she could come without my dad and the couple were amazed as the invite was intended for the two of them.

Agree with Palavah. As long as you don't make a big deal if he's not invited (which I'm sure you won't) then it's not rude to ask for clarification.

send a pass-agg 'Dave and I can't wait

Not pass agg

send a pass-agg 'I assume Dave's invited'.

Yes, pass-agg

There really is a difference!

I do agree with you though @Palavah

If you are massively in debt why are you spending money on going to 4 weddings??

As a few posters have said @Smiliestar87 just ring her and ASK her.

If you are close enough as friends for you to be invited to her wedding, then you are close enough as friends for you to ask her if your DP is invited.

There is nothing 'rude' about asking the bloody question 'is my partner invited too?' WTF is wrong with people?! It's way more rude to invite a friend to your wedding and not invite their partner who they have been with 15 years, and lived with for 10.

Ignore the posters telling you to not ask her; they don't know what they're talking about. Ring her and ask. At least you will know then, and as a few posters have said, you can then make the decision to decline the invitation if you wish.

UPDATE

Have messaged to the groom (who is my best friend - not the bride) and confirmed it's only me. Was clearly uncomfortable talking about it but apologised said 'there isn't space'.

I guess I can understand (weddings are expensive) but I am a little surprised and upset.

Sorry OP that is a bit crappy. Tbh I probably wouldn’t want to go. Fine to leave our partners who are relatively “new” but this seems bad manners.

Very tacky, I wouldn't go.

It’s quite common when you have restricted numbers to only invite as a couple if married. It’s not rude to only invite half of a dating couple, it is rude to ask for an invite for someone else though imo.

Although if you are in debt I’d not be going to any of the four weddings unless local and it would cost next to nothing. More debt to attend a function seems silly.

I know couples that have been together longer than married couples/ I personally think it’s the length of time they’ve been together over the legals of their union as to whether I invite them both.

The problem is a lot of people getting married prefer to cut corners with manners rather than money to have the wedding they want.

I wouldn't want to go personally, but I'm naturally reserved/shy. I went to a friends wedding without my oh and it was a bit rubbish. I knew one friend who was there with her oh and just felt a third wheel all day. And yes I was hurt my oh wasn't invited. On the other hand if you're confident to go in your own/will know others there/ catch up with friends then go? Or you could save yourself the expense if money is tight as it is. To be honest when I got married I tried to give all day guests a plus one as I know I wouldn't enjoy a wedding on my own. I wanted my guests to want to come and have a good day, yes it was my wedding but I wanted to make my nearest and dearest comfortable. I do get that's not always possible due to the cost/venue numbers etc.

I’d ask say you are looking at hotel accommodation and wanted to check?
There’s that much going on planning wedding what’s obvious to couple isn’t always to guests
It’s only a save the date not the invite

It’s up to you. I wouldn’t go if DH wasn’t invited, tbh.

Your whole life is with this man. You’ve been together a very long time. Bit weird that you have to have the paperwork to get invited somewhere as a couple!

But it’s your decision.

Does his wife have an issue with her fiancee having a woman as his best friend?

Or could it be that the Groom is planning on asking you to be part of the wedding party and they think your oh will be lonely?

Ouch.

I'd not go, but then, I'd never get into debt to go to a wedding, never, that includes family.

Totally agree TheArch, I genuinely cannot understand how anyone with debts would even consider attending a wedding ... but I am naturally very cautious regarding money, but that’s worked for me, apart from a mortgage I’ve never had any debt. And I don’t have a huge income which means I can enjoy whatever I want without having to save up for them, I am in retail management which is well below the ‘average’ salary.

No fuck that, debt or no debt.

Why do weddings turn folk into complete idiots?

I'm the same, Ragwort, and I've always been glad of it. This economy isn't doing well it's a bad time to take on more debt, especially with a 'house loan' (hope that's not a loan you took out using the house as collateral) that high and a bloody 'kitchen loan'. Incredible.

Just saw the update. If that’s the case I wouldn’t go. I think it’s really rude of them, especially as they know your partner and you’ve been together so long. ‘Isn’t room’ is an easy excuse to make. When we got married we invited my husband’s cousin’s partner even though we hadn’t met him because it was the polite thing to do.

The problem is a lot of people getting married prefer to cut corners with manners rather than money to have the wedding they want.

And this sounds exactly like one such production. I mean, a save the date 13 months in advance?! The self-importance of that makes my eyes roll back in my head. As it is, have people learned nothing from this virus? All the bloody huge weddings cancelled and people out thousands, wasted on some party that won't happen. And you're fooling yourself if you think this situation can't or won't happen again.

I'd not be going to this, OP, and seriously look at getting rid of that £18.5k worth of debt asap, especially if your 'house loan' is actually a lien on your home. I've seen hundreds of repossessions that are the result of this type of loan in my line of business, these days NO job is watertight. Also get some cracking good life insurance on yourself and your partner and make wills. That's good advice no matter what.

Ah the female best friend of the groom. Is there any history, or could the bride think that there is?

How often do you see the bride?

Nope. I wouldn’t go.