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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

188 replies

Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 12:22

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/04/2020 12:40

If you can’t afford it does it matter if your OH Is invited or not?!

WifflyWaffle · 07/04/2020 12:43

Sending a ‘partner and I can’t wait’ reply is really passive aggressive and not a good idea. I’d save the date then wait for the invitation. If it’s not to you both, don’t go. It’s no ruder than snubbing you’d best friend’s long term partner!

WifflyWaffle · 07/04/2020 12:43

Your, FFS

Dishwashersaurous · 07/04/2020 12:43

I don’t understand how whether your partner is invited or not impacts on your ability to afford it.

Either you want to go and can afford it, or not. The attendance of your partner is irrelevant

OhClover · 07/04/2020 12:43

I wouldn’t ask for a plus one but if it turns out he’s not invited, I think it’s fuming rude given you’re best friends and you’ve been with this guy 15 years.

OhClover · 07/04/2020 12:44

Isn’t the financial point that the OP is more likely to want to find and save the money to attend if she can go with her partner?

Ellisandra · 07/04/2020 12:45

Why are you even thinking about going to FIVE weddings in a year, when you’re massively in debt?

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 12:46

If the cost is a problem how will it be better having to pay for two?! Confused

Anyway, as others have said it’s not the invitation so it’s entirely possible that he’s invited.

Blackforesthotchoc · 07/04/2020 12:46

Just say "sorry has there been a mistake? Seems to only be me on the invite and not x?"

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 12:47

It’s not an invite (invitation).

It’s a Save The Date.

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 07/04/2020 12:48

She could have just sent the save the date to you as you’re in charge of the calendar for you and your Dp. It would be odd for her not to invite your partner too so I assume she plans on doing so when she sends out the actual invites.

Something similar happened to us when we sent out our save the dates. I posted one to my Godmother in just her name and didn’t think anything of it. Despite finding her dc and partners annoying, our plan was to invite everyone (7 people in total) as she was such a close family friend. She then started avoiding my calls but I didn’t think anything of it, I just assumed she was busy. Fast forward a few weeks, I got hold of her on the phone, she massively kicked off saying I was selfish and inconsiderate and obviously don’t value them at all etc. I tried explaining it was an oversight as the plan was to invite them all but she didn’t believe me, saying I was lying and she wasn’t stupid. She was very hurtful and it was all very bizarre as I’d never seen that side of her. Her and my mum ended up having a massive falling out over it and none of us have spoken since it happened 7 years ago. The most frustrating thing is, it was our plan to invite everyone all along, I just didn’t even think when I sent her the save the date. It was just so ridiculous.

Maybe give your friend the benefit of the doubt and if your Dp isn’t invited, either have a quiet word and ask if he can be or politely decline.

Hercwasonaroll · 07/04/2020 12:49

You can't afford it regardless so don't go.

GCAcademic · 07/04/2020 12:50

If you're massively in debt it would make sense to carefully consider whether attending five wedding in the space of a year can be justified, imo.

Dishwashersaurous · 07/04/2020 12:52

Can you not go to another wedding instead if this is your best friend

Heatherjayne1972 · 07/04/2020 12:53

If this is a friend why not just call her and ask?

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 07/04/2020 12:58

You haven’t been invited and your partner hasn’t been not invited.... it’s a save the date, hardly anything to get into a tizz about!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/04/2020 12:59

No, don't ask for a plus one. Either accept the invitation under the terms on which she offers it, or politely decline it, sending a card and wishing them a wonderful life.

The two usual responses are both in order here. 1. It's her wedding, she can invite (or not invite) who she wants. And 2. as a would-be guest, you can accept and decline as you want. That's really all there is to it.

As an aside, I've always found the idea of a 'save the date' card really odd and likely an overestimation of the event's importance to anyone other than its hosts. This might well be me being ungenerous, but it's my (long) experience that weddings have a habit of turning otherwise seemingly sensible people into real horrors!

Pastaforall · 07/04/2020 13:01

Are you still close? Weddings are hard to plan and maybe they are struggling for numbers? My OH has a group of uni friends and a lot of them haven’t invited me to their wedding but it’s because of numbers it’s either half the group and their plus ones or the whole group without, which I get.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:01

Apologies I think people have locked onto the financial aspect more than I expected.

It was my thinking that the train would be very pricey (I looked yesterday and it was roughly £120) and that as my OH has fuel paid for by work that he would drive us if he was coming too.

I'm too embarrassed to ask - I know from my other close mates from school how stressful the planning is and I don't want to create drama for the couple.

OP posts:
ShennaIsAPrawnCracker · 07/04/2020 13:01

I would message her thanking her for the save the date, then stating you just want to double check partner is not invited for planning ahead purposes,.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 07/04/2020 13:02

You're in massive debt and planning to get into more to go to weddings?! REally?! That's foolish in the extreme.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:03

@Dishwashersaurous

The other weddings are 1 family and 2 of my OH's closest friends. So I would consider all them pretty important!

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 07/04/2020 13:04

Save the date I got was just to me. Proper invite included all of us.

YouDoYou18 · 07/04/2020 13:04

If you want to see if he’s invited you could just message/phone them and say ‘Hello, thank you so much for the save the date, is it for just me or for me and DP so I can make sure we both book the time off work’ etc! Even if it’s a Saturday and your work Monday to Friday most jobs have the possibility of a few Saturdays so it wouldn’t be a crazy ask :)

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 07/04/2020 13:04

People have clocked onto the financial aspect because it's astonishing that you're willing to take on my debt for something totally frivolous. We're staring down the barrel of a potential recession, taking on debt to go on a jolly seems ridiculous. And even if your partner isn't invited, he can still drive you both down, stay in the hotel.