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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

188 replies

Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 12:22

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 07/04/2020 14:07

Why are you even considering going to a wedding, over a year ago, when you are seriously in debt? Are your jobs even secure in the up current climate? Who know what sort of economic mess we are all going to be in.

Whether or not my DP was invited to a wedding is the last thing I would be worried about at the moment.

Ragwort · 07/04/2020 14:08

*ahead not ago Blush

Bakedbrie · 07/04/2020 14:09

Just ask for clarity for goodness sakes! You’re putting yourself through torment possibly for no good reason. British!!!!

JinglingHellsBells · 07/04/2020 14:10

@Smiliestar87 You are overthinking it all. If it's just an email it's not an invite. Calm down and wait and see what happens when the actual invite arrives.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 14:12

@JinglingHellsBells

Yes - that is what I'm planning to do. Wait for the invite to clarify and save up the cost to attend as I really want to go!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 07/04/2020 14:15

assuming you speak regularly (ie your current best friend) then i'd assume you would mention you are both attending in one of the emails (or "thanks for our invite"). Else its a weird elephant in the room of you not mentioning the wedding or wanting to commit to coming until you know if he is invited or not.

(if just best mate AT uni, you won't be chatting with her and can just wait for the invite to see what the score is)

wildthingsinthenight · 07/04/2020 14:16

Wait for the invite before you worry.
This is just letting you know the date

countrygirl99 · 07/04/2020 14:23

Re the train fare, if book in advance you can get some good deals.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/04/2020 14:23

We are massively in debt and it's going to be hard for me to fund the train, accommodation, gifts etc in addition to the 4 other weddings we already have for 2021.

So send your apologies and don't go. Problem solved.

There are bigger things to get yourself in a twist about at the moment.

woollylizard · 07/04/2020 14:24

You wait for the invite!! It's a save the date.

GabsAlot · 07/04/2020 14:28

so she emailed a date to you and you think that means your dp isnt invited

its only an email shes not going to list little ben and ava and the bloody dog on it

morriseysquif · 07/04/2020 14:29

You are the friend, it only takes one of you to put the date in the diary. Just note the date and forget about it for now, this is not the invitation.

Dieu · 07/04/2020 14:31

Oh I think you've got to go to a best friend's wedding. It would be really bad form if it got back to her about the other four you'd attended!
That said, I don't blame you for being a bit Confused over the 'save the date'.
I would just be very open and honest. 'Hi friend. Thanks for the save the date. I'm really excited to join you on your big day. Quick question though: is Dave going to be invited? Thanks in advance for the clarification!'
And then you can decide whether or not you want to attend. Smile

AiryFairyMum · 07/04/2020 14:31

Please don't ask for a plus one. It's hard enough to plan and save for a wedding without having to invite everyone's boyfriends and girlfriends. married couples OK, but where do you draw the line on partners?

BadLad · 07/04/2020 14:34

I got invited by an old friend to her wedding, just me, no DO, no teenagers. I didn't know until MN I was supposed to be offended.

This made me laugh.

rattusrattus20 · 07/04/2020 14:37

agreed with the above comments about saving the date.

when i considered whether or not to invite a friend or relative's +1 to my wedding [I was at least to some extent trying to keep numbers down in the interests of budget and venue size] I suppose I tried to take the following into account:

(a) how well the friend or relative would know if they were without the +1 [so how many other ppl would they know/how outgoing etc were they?]

(b) how long they'd been with the +1;

(c) whether they were married or not;

(d) how well I knew the +1; and

(e) how close I was to the friend or relative.

it sounds to me like OP's OH would qualify on 4 out of my 5 criteria & as such should/probably will be invited.

sillysmiles · 07/04/2020 14:39

I would often go to weddings as just me, despite being married.
Also if I was inviting school/uni friends and there were approximately a table full of them, then I would not invite partners. It just makes sense, as all those people know each other and are a group in their own right with out partners.
Partners automatically doubles the numbers.

The only questions you need to ask yourself is 1) do you want to go and 2) can you afford it. That's the only questions that are relevant.

Eckhart · 07/04/2020 14:43

If you're not close enough to feel you can ask her, you're not close enough to feel obliged to attend when you can't afford it.

CaffiSaliMali · 07/04/2020 14:52

It's only a Save the Date - I received a save the date card for a friend's wedding and only received an evening only invite!

Whereas for other weddings I've had evening invites for I've received a 'save the evening' card in advance.

Definitely wait for the invite.

My DH received a wedding invite for just him three years ago and only discovered last minute that it also included me. In the Bride and Groom's culture only the head of the household is named on wedding invites, but the whole family is actually invited. We had no idea and he was going to attend alone. Could there be a cultural factor at play here?

strawberry2017 · 07/04/2020 14:53

Wait till the actual invite comes out, if he's not on that make the decision not to go.
I suspect he will be on the actual invite.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/04/2020 15:09

Goodness OP, just pick up the phone and ask her. She's a good friend, so you chat often, call to see how she is, and then ask if you'll both be invited. It's all a bit of a fuss about nothing until you know.

EverythingChanges321 · 07/04/2020 15:12

Just send a card and a token gift.
I’m not a fan of fancy weddings so I’d rather save the money and put it towards something for us to do as a family but if I were in debt, I wouldn’t even contemplate attending for a second.
If people want to waste money on frippery, they’re welcome to it. In my opinion, it’s just an unnecessary expenditure.

Lollygaggles · 07/04/2020 15:13

It's a misunderstanding I bet. When I sent save the date cards I only addressed them to my friends, but on the official invitation, all of the guests' names were written

Newkitchen123 · 07/04/2020 15:16

This is why save the dates are a complete waste of money. Why not just send an invitation? This would solve any ambiguity and then you'd know! You're now stressing over something that might not even be an issue.
The wedding industry is full of stuff like this

Palavah · 07/04/2020 15:25

Please please do not

  1. send a pass-agg 'Dave and I can't wait'
  2. send a pass-agg 'I assume Dave's invited'.
  3. ask her on the phone or in person.
  4. ask for a plus one if you haven't got one.

If you can't wait for the invitation then do so matter of factly, WhatsApp or email, "thank you for the save the date, can I just check of the invitation is for me, or Dave and me? Xxxxxxxx '

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