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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

188 replies

Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 12:22

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

OP posts:
BessMarvin · 08/04/2020 17:16

How small would the venue have to be to not fit the groom's best friend's long term partner? Seems strange. Is it just a small register office do?

helgahelga · 08/04/2020 19:09

@Smiliestar87

UPDATE.

Have messaged to the groom (who is my best friend - not the bride) and confirmed it's only me. Was clearly uncomfortable talking about it but apologised said 'there isn't space'.

I guess I can understand (weddings are expensive) but I am a little surprised and upset.

Sooooooo, what are you going to do?

strawberry2017 · 08/04/2020 19:10

I wonder if this is the brides way of hoping you don't turn up.
Maybe she's jealous of your relationship or threatened by the relationship with the
Groom and thinks if she doesn't invite your partner then you won't come either.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 08/04/2020 19:17

Sadly it might be time to move on from the friendship. He doesn't see you as the bestie you thought if he did this. This often happens with this male-female best friends things when the male party gets married.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/04/2020 19:25

Is he your best friend now, or when you were at university?

Ragwort · 08/04/2020 19:27

Just politely send your regrets, it’s such a long way ahead that who knows what will happen.

And seriously, take some time to look over your finances, you should really not prioritise ‘going to a wedding’ (or 4 Hmm) when you are so heavily in debt.

I am so glad I have had a cautious approach to money all my life, even if I do lose my job, my mortgage is paid off & I have savings ... yes, I’ve missed out on ‘big’ holidays, new cars, nice clothes etc but In the present situation I am so happy to have my savings .

Honeyroar · 08/04/2020 20:14

Oh well I’d free a bit of space up for them by refusing. But they might fall out with you. I had that happen to me once. Never spoke to me again when I decided not to go to their wedding when my live in boyfriend wasn’t invited.

TidyDancer · 09/04/2020 08:19

With your update, I would be fine about that if it was a small wedding with only a handful of guests. If it's larger (or you know of other people who are going with plus ones) then I would consider declining.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 09/04/2020 09:05

So spoken to my OH and although he does think not inviting him is pretty rude and frankly odd as they know him well .... he's pretty chilled either way and doesn't mind not going.

I'm not sure on the size of the wedding itself - I know what you are getting at @TidyDancer but I'm not aware of anyone else having a plus one.

@Honeyroar - I know people can be really intense about things like this so that's why I was so cautious about it all. I think I will still go as I do really value the friendship.

@Ragwort - My OH and I have regular reviews. We have paid off our overdrafts, credit cards and car loan in the last year, and we should be able to pay off most of the house loan before the run of weddings next year. I do get what you mean.... but it's not my friends fault that my OH and I come from poorer backgrounds and needed to go into significant debt to get through university and postgraduate qualifications. And also based on that logic, we would have to turned down every wedding over the last 14 years!

@TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg I couldn't disagree more. Most of my friends are boys, several of whom have got married in the last 5 years and honestly it makes no difference to the friendship.

OP posts:
AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 09/04/2020 10:48

I’d not be wanting to go. I think it is a bit shitty given the time you’ve been together.

However if I thought it was a nippy thing by the bride I would go.

In a long white flowing dress.Grin

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 09/04/2020 12:28

Most of my friends are boys, several of whom have got married in the last 5 years and honestly it makes no difference to the friendship.

Boys? Hmm I'm afraid it speaks volumes that this 'boy' didn't invite your partner of 15 years due to 'space' and you've been together for 15 years. Not very impressive for a 'best' friend.

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 09/04/2020 12:39

Am I alone in always assuming that a wedding invitation includes a plus one?!

Surely people don’t expect you to travel and attend without a partner? I’ve enlisted people in the past for this very purpose!

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 09/04/2020 12:40

(By ‘people’ I mean friends and people I’m dating - not escorts!)

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 09/04/2020 12:42

Am I alone in always assuming that a wedding invitation includes a plus one?!

Yes. You seriously just assume someone who's not named is invited?

cheercaptain · 09/04/2020 12:45

Happy Saving! She is your best friend and if the invite arrives and it is just you, please accept it and celebrate with her.

BananaPlant · 09/04/2020 12:45

Am I alone in always assuming that a wedding invitation includes a plus one?!

Why would you assume an invitation includes a plus 1? The invitation is for whoever is named on it, and that only. Why would you want random people you don’t know at your wedding? I don’t mean the OP’s partner here.

Unless you’re not from the UK. You haven’t been that CF that turns up with random guests or your entire family have you??

catx1606 · 09/04/2020 12:56

I personally wouldn't ask if he was invited and if he wasn't, I would never ask why. It's up to the bride and groom who they invite and they don't have to justify the reasons. It is possible that no plus ones have been invited and that's their choice. It does happen and they entitled to do that. You also don't 'have to go to a wedding. If you're in massive debt then money spent on the weddings could go onto the debt

LandOfAThousandJumpers · 09/04/2020 12:56

Why would you want random people you don’t know at your wedding?

A friend’s partner is hardly just a ‘random person’ is it Hmm

The times when I’ve taken friends with me it’s been a clear plus one, however why on earth would you invite someone but not their partner to your wedding? A load of people who may not know each other all making the journey by themselves in ones? Find that extremely odd.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 09/04/2020 13:33

it’s been a clear plus one, however why on earth would you invite someone but not their partner to your wedding? A load of people who may not know each other all making the journey by themselves in ones?

Because for a lot of brides and grooms set huge store by the venue and fripperies, so restrict guest numbers to fit the venue so don't invite partners due to 'space'.

At the same time, how is it not possible for an adult to go to a function on their own? Even if they don't know anyone. I've been to conferences and functions on my own as OH unable to travel with me. It's hardly a punishment.

BananaPlant · 09/04/2020 14:15

Why would you want random people you don’t know at your wedding?

A friend’s partner is hardly just a ‘random person’ is it

Did you forget to read the bit where I said not the OP’s partner?

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 09/04/2020 16:08

Thank you @LandOfAThousandJumpers and @BananaPlant - you have both reassured me that my initial react was not unusual.

Also @TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg I often have to travel for work events alone, it's just very different to be attending a wedding which is all about celebrating love without my OH.

@AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff hahaha - I don't have a long white dress in my wardrobe! But I really do think it's number game and nothing against me or my OH.

OP posts:
Florin · 10/04/2020 08:30

I had the same but I was the uninvited partner. I have been with my husband since I just turned 15 and he was 16 at the time of the wedding we had been together 21 years and married 11 years and have a child together (we weren’t expecting an invitation for our child!) So literally can’t remember life without each other and grown up together and we are that kind of couple who do everything together. Husband’s female best friend when she got engaged said we were both invited in fact even said our child too and we said not to invite him as prefer to enjoy it properly just adults and I was looking forward to it, it was in a UK holiday destination on a bank holiday so would have been a lovely weekend away. However save the date came without warning to just him and not me so husband had to have the awkward conversation and found out she was inviting just him and not me. She guilt tripped husband into going and I don’t think husband realised until he felt it was too late to back out how deeply hurt I was. Nearer the time it caused so many rows and a miserable bank holiday apart and I am pretty sure husband now regrets going. I just showed my husband your post and he was like oh god. So based on my experience I would politely decline!

OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 12:42

She guilt tripped husband into going and I don’t think husband realised until he felt it was too late to back out how deeply hurt I was. Nearer the time it caused so many rows and a miserable bank holiday apart

I think it’s bad form not inviting the SO but I have to say this ^ is a bit much for me.

Your DH can’t remember life without you and does everything with you but didn’t know you were deeply hurt? Likewise you share everything but you didn’t tell him you were hurt?

I don’t think it’s fair to say she guilted him into going. He’s a grown man who had no qualms disappointing you so why would he care about disappointing her?

His decision was his own. She’s not to blame for that!

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 10/04/2020 12:50

Still doesn’t stop her being an arsehole for just inviting him though Captain.

OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 12:51

I know, that’s why I said it’s bad form.

But I don’t hold with this women being responsible for men’s actions shite!