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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

188 replies

Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 12:22

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

OP posts:
otterturk · 07/04/2020 13:27

If you're massively in debt OP, won't it be good that you don't have to pay for two train tickets and can potentially get a single room at the accommodation? I'm sure you can spend a day apart after 15 years.

Janaih · 07/04/2020 13:28

I would be very surprised if the invitation is not addressed to both of you. However if it isnt, then just decline.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:28

@Astrabees

Yeah I know! The reason I didn't immediately call/WhatsApp is because I know how stressful wedding planning is. I might not be married myself but I've seen friends plan weddings over the last 10 years and pretty much everyone at some point has been really upset at one point.

I am going to wait for the formal invite because like loads of people have said, maybe his name will be on that.

OP posts:
AprilFloundering · 07/04/2020 13:28

You could just ask your friend if it's going to be just you being invited or if your DP will be included. Not judging, just need to know if you'll be accepting or not.

No point saving a date you won't be attending if you don't want to go alone.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 07/04/2020 13:28

Just be upfront and ask her to clarify?

I’d be more hurt if a friend was so worried and didn’t feel they could ask me, so much so they were considering not going.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 07/04/2020 13:29

So by house loan, you mean you took a loan out using the house as collateral? 'House loan', I thought that meant your mortgage. I'd be doing all I could to pay that £18.5k off. Dear god, we're sitting on a house of cards economically. Now is not the time to be taking on more debt to go to parties.

Chewbecca · 07/04/2020 13:30

I bet it wasn't intended as it seems & he is on the invite.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 07/04/2020 13:30

I wouldnt be bothered about going

PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/04/2020 13:30

It looks like they dont like your partner.Has had ever offended them or had a disagreement with them? Does he treat you well?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 07/04/2020 13:30

This whole thing is a year away. How stressful is it to plan a bloody party with over a year's notice?

SnuggyBuggy · 07/04/2020 13:32

With that much debt I don't think you can afford a trip like that

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 07/04/2020 13:32

Lots of pearl clutching on this thread - by responding with “Yay! Dave and I can’t wait” it basically means the air of mystery as to who is or isn’t invited can be cleared soonest.

Agree that the financial element details this thread somewhat

Agree with so many that it’s probably best to wait for the formal invite BUT as far as I can see the request to save the date gives a clear indication as to who’s invited (and who’s not)

Agree that it’s putting the bride on the spot a bit by responding to a solo invite as a couple BUT surely best to get this nailed before the invitations are issued?

And if it really is the case the invite is just for you - why is that if you and OH have been together a decade and a half?

Grumpos · 07/04/2020 13:32

That’s shoddy af if he’s not invited.

  1. you’ve been together for ages, live together in a committed relationship and consider your partner a friend of their also.
  2. who doesn’t give their best friend a plus one to their wedding. Ffs it’s tight as.

Hopefully just as lots of pp have suggested - the invitation will be for both.

If you can’t afford to let your closest friends and family feel comfortable at your wedding (ie not have to travel / stay / sit on their own) then either x scale back your plans or save up for another 6 mths. Angry

ErickBroch · 07/04/2020 13:33

You're counting the student loan as a massive debt when it just comes out like an additional tax each month? I pay student loan every month and it's not like a bill to pay - also you have 38k but I am guessing you went to uni a while ago? It gets wiped after 25 years ;)

motherheroic · 07/04/2020 13:36

It's a save the date, it's generic. They are not going to tailor each and everyone. Wait for the real thing.

RedRedScab · 07/04/2020 13:37

If you know her well enough to be invited to her wedding, can't you just ask her to clarify?

Why get all upset and offended when it's very likely a formal invitation for both of you will follow? Isn't a 'save the date' just that? A heads up to not book anything else?

Seriously, there's no need to get yourself worked up about 'problems' that can be so easily solved.

Name739017 · 07/04/2020 13:37

Are you and your friend part of a larger group of uni friends? Might she have invited everyone without their partners so you can have a good catch up as a uni group?

Tomoveornotomove2 · 07/04/2020 13:37

Maybe they have to keep there own budget low and thus don’t want to invite your OH, if you can’t afford to go then don’t go?

You and your partner aren’t attached at the hip

sageandroses · 07/04/2020 13:38

I'm surprised you're counting your student loans? Surely they come out of your payslip like tax? Or are they different?

burnoutbabe · 07/04/2020 13:38

if the save the date is by email, then its even less clear that your partner is not invited.

(unless the email also says dear X) as i assume if personalised like that they'd include both names, even if only send one email

whats the worse that happens if you assume both and save up? I'd also mention you were both looking forward to it when both asked.

It does also depend old group of Uni friends, maybe all invited solo to make a group up/have a catch up.

Best friend now who you met at Uni, yes, they should invite your OH more than group 1 should.

GreenFairy246 · 07/04/2020 13:40

One of my siblings is getting married and didn't invite my partner, we've been together 8 years. I heard a rumour it's to keep the numbers down.

Their wedding, their choice. But I politely declined.

ChelseaCat · 07/04/2020 13:42

Asking for a plus one is SO rude. Don’t be that person

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 13:44

@Smiliestar87 you really don’t have to explain your financial situation to anyone.

It’s nobody’s business and not relevant to the thread.

Ellisandra · 07/04/2020 13:48

I’ve planned two wedding. Both were completely stress free. Do not fall into this trope of, “I know how stressful wedding can be”. There are drama queens everywhere. But the majority of people just get on and do it. Being asked to clarify invitees for a save the date is really not stressful.

FilthyforFirth · 07/04/2020 13:54

This is so weird. If she is your best friend, just ask! I cant imagine not being able to bring this up with mine.

That being said, if she know's you're in debt, maybe she thinks she is doing you a favour by only inviting you.