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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner of 15years not given plus one to best friends wedding?

188 replies

Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 12:22

Afternoon all,

I need to get some advice of people as how to best handle a dilemma. My best friend from university has just sent me a 'save the date' for May 2021 but it's only for me. My partner of 15 years has not been included. I have lived with him for almost 10 years but we aren't married.

The wedding is near Dover and I live in Lancaster - so going to require overnight accommodation and a very pricy train fair as I don't drive.

I'm honestly so upset - the groom knows my other half well. We've had him round for dinner several times and given celebrated together at our graduations (before he started dating the bride).

I don't know what to do? Do I say nothing? Do I try and ask for an plus one?

OP posts:
alloutoffucks · 07/04/2020 13:05

I got invited by an old friend to her wedding, just me, no DO, no teenagers. I didn't know until MN I was supposed to be offended. I went and had a great time catching up with old friends.

Honeyroar · 07/04/2020 13:06

I would hold on until the invite comes, but I probably wouldn’t go all that way without my husband being invited.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:07

@TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg

Well yes. We have always turned down the ones that are destination weddings as they are too expensive but I think you have to attend the weddings of close friends and family. I respect if you disagree but the majority is either zero interest or low interest (like our student loans and house loan). I do agree if you are struggling with high interest loans like pay day loans or credit cards then it might not be wise.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 07/04/2020 13:08

You don’t have the luxury of considering them pretty important when you’re massively in debt!

And if you’re too embarrassed to call up and say, “hi - love the save the date card you chose! Just checking as it’s a save the date not the full invitation - is it for Dave and me, or just me?” then you’re not close enough to be prioritising this wedding.

Just ASK her.

And if you’re in debt and his fuel is free, why can’t he drive you anyway? Entertain himself whilst you’re at the wedding, then the next day before the drive home you have a day out together in that area, or somewhere between. You’ll never be out of debt if you waste £120 on a train ticket when you don’t need to.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 07/04/2020 13:08

At any rate I'd not be bothered if my OH weren't invited.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/04/2020 13:09

Tbh A family wedding in your own town is different to a friends wedding that requires travel and overnight accommodation.
Ignoring the finances I would say wait until the actual invite and see what it says.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2020 13:10

Whebyou say "best friend from university" do you mean

"We were close at uni, best friends, now live far apart but catch up on the phone often"

Or

"This person is my closest friend, we speak often, I am her closest friend, we met at uni"

Because they are two totally different things and I'd say warrant a different response.

Outnumbered99 · 07/04/2020 13:10

Regardless of who is invited you shouldn't be too proud to tell your friend that the travel etc alone is a stretch for you, and any best friend worth their salt would insist you do NOT give a gift, and would probably find a local friend or family member to put you up for a bottle of wine.

Myimaginarypenguinhasfleas · 07/04/2020 13:12

I'd have to send a response -

"thanks for Save the Date, bit embarrassed to ask but I'm assuming X will be included in the actual invitation?"

Leave it at that, don't confirm anything till you get her reply. Make a decision then.

Nogoodusername · 07/04/2020 13:14

A Uni friend of mine invited me and not my husband to her wedding. I didn’t mind - I knew she would have limited numbers and would rather be able to invite more friends than ‘plus ones’

pleasepleasepleasehelp · 07/04/2020 13:15

@Smiliestar87

It's fairly simple I think. You speak to her - SPEAK, not text or DM or email - and say 'thanks so much for the invitation, but DP's name isn't on it, can I just check he if is invited.'

If she says NO, then you say 'oh then I'm really sorry, but I won't be coming. I would feel bad coming, if he's left off the guest list.'

If she is offended or hurt that her 'best friend' is turning down her invitation, then tough shit. She doesn't care about offending you by not inviting your partner.

YANBU to be hurt. It's bang out of order.

Also if she says he isn't invited, just ask why, (before saying you are not going.) There has to be a reason. And 'cost issues' is bullshit. You don't invite your best friend of many years to your wedding, and not invite their partner, who they have been with for 15 fucking years! Hmm

JinglingHellsBells · 07/04/2020 13:16

How did she communicate the Save The Date? Text/ card or what?

(Sorry but when I got married 30+ years ago people just sent formal invitations and that was it.)

If it's not a formal invite with your name on and the date/ time etc surely it's not yet a formal invitation?

SnuggyBuggy · 07/04/2020 13:16

It would be really tacky not to invite a long term partner to a wedding, they aren't even a "plus one" they should be invited by name. That said a save the date isn't the same as a proper invitation, he might be on that.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 07/04/2020 13:16

It's foolish in this economic climate. One of you loses their job in this climate and all of the sudden that low interest house loan takes on new meaning when you've got a thousand pounds worth of debt to go to someone's party.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:18

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Unfortunately all the weddings involve significant travel and accommodation as we don't live near any of our friends or family at the moment. We moved to the North West 4 years ago to both take promotions and love it here. OH's job is restricted to London and Manchester and the latter is definitely kinder to the bank balance!

OP posts:
morecoffeerequired · 07/04/2020 13:18

Make a vague note of the date and then don't give it another thought until the invitation arrives.

PlywoodPlank · 07/04/2020 13:19

I don't know what you want us to say. It looks loke your friend intends to invite you but not your dp. You can either

  1. Ask your friend outright if they intend to invite dp. I suspect that you fear that other partners husbands/wives have been invited, or that perhaps your dp isn't being invited because you are not married. And if you go alone, then find lots of other friends there with spouses along, you'll be angry and resent the expenditure. So you can clear that up now by making a phone call.
  2. Accept that they haven't invited dp and that you'll abide by their decision with no hard feelings.
Yeah, it is odd not to invite your dp. I don't know what their reasons are. To find that out, you need to call your friend.
Dishwashersaurous · 07/04/2020 13:19

And btw he cannot use fuel paid for by work for work purposes for personal use - tax reasons

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:20

@JinglingHellsBells

Email and it's definitely just a save the date as it doesn't give a venue - only a date and village location.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 07/04/2020 13:21

And are you actually in debt- as opposed to student loans and a mortgage- if the later then less concern about your financial position. If you stop earning then don’t have to pay student loans and with a mortgage have an asset you can sell

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:21

Dishwashersaurous

I know - he normally arranges a business meeting nearby on the Friday afternoon so it's a business trip.

OP posts:
Astrabees · 07/04/2020 13:22

Maybe they wanted all their friends but could not afford to cater for all their friends and a plus 1 each? Whatever the explanation I'm sure she they haven't done it to piss you off.

OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 13:24

It's fairly simple I think. You speak to her - SPEAK, not text or DM or email - and say 'thanks so much for the invitation, but DP's name isn't on it, can I just check he if is invited.'

Firstly, it would be so unbelievably rude to put her on the spot like that!

Secondly: It’s. Not. An. Invitation.

Original poster
Smiliestar87 · 07/04/2020 13:24

Dishwashersaurous

So it's a mixture now

Car - paid off
Credit Card - Paid off this month!
House Loan (2.9%) - 14K outstanding
Kitchen (Interest Free) - 4.5K outstanding
OH's Student Loan - 14K
My Student Loan - 38K

We have our mortgage as well but that should go down once we remortgage in the next year.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 07/04/2020 13:26

I wouldn't sit and stew on this one tbh. I would possibly try to send a fairly casual message to her thanking her for the save the date and just check if it's for both of you or just you. You can then decide whether to go.

She is not obligated to invite anyone, but it would be weird for a long term partner in this instance not to be included I think. That said, I agree that it makes a difference if this is your best friend from uni who is just a friend you stay in touch with now, or if she's your best friend now who you just happened to meet at uni.