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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 05/04/2020 14:09

I would actually rip my husbands head off. Fuck the 'He can't know cause he'd accuse me of snooping' what he has done is WAY worse. This woman has spoken terribly about you and making fun of your pregnancy is pretty disrespectful to his unborn baby. I definitely could not keep my mouth shut. And for him to engage in a conversation like this with anyone is fucking disgusting

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:15

@Firsttimelottie thanks. I’m actually scared to bring it up... because I already know he’s not going to apologise or see anything’s wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:17

@rebecca102 I agree .. I think the way she spoke is disrespectful to all pregnant women and downright immature. I don’t know why he would tolerate it.

OP posts:
Noodlenosefraggle · 05/04/2020 14:24

If you are scared of bringing it up, you need to wonder why. Will he not even care or be upset that he has upset you? That says something about how much regard he has for you.

Vgtasd · 05/04/2020 14:26

When I was pregnant with my second my ex husband and a female work colleague referred to me as whale in all their texts, how bloody cruel, hence he is now my ex

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:26

I know...it’s based on past reactions. He usually says I’m too sensitive

OP posts:
cstaff · 05/04/2020 14:27

The only reason any man would tolerate another woman making those kind of comments about his own wife would be if he fancied her. I am not saying that there is something going on but it is a definite possibility, if not now maybe in the future, when you will be at your most vulnerable, either heavily pregnant or with a new born.

Words need to be had OP. He needs to know how he has made you feel.

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/04/2020 14:29

why do you want to be with someone who has no respect for you?
Doesn't care about your feelings, lies to you, gets abusive if you stand up for yourself?

I'd just be right in his face about it, "yea so what if i snooped? If i hadn't then i wouldn't have known you've been taking the piss out of me behind my back!"

Stand up for yourself OP.
You don't actually need him.

BananaPlant · 05/04/2020 14:29

He doesn’t sound very pleasant if that’s how he reacts. So you aren’t allowed to be upset or have feelings?

champagneandfromage50 · 05/04/2020 14:30

Sorry but I wouldn't be having a baby with a man like him. You may need to have a tough conversation about his inappropriate and down right insulting messages about you with this woman. I would be telling him he has a choice, he either respects you as his wife and has my back or he needs to accept you will be a single parent - you fear and anxiety is a worry in itself and doesn't bode well for the future - you have choices

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:30

@Vgtasd omg that’s vile.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 05/04/2020 14:31

She is gunning for your DH and he is not sticking up for you one bit. The messages are nasty and she is trying to undermine you.

This is not the way a loving husband behaves

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:36

@Greenkit but I just don’t know why she would...I don’t think she likes dh in that way?

OP posts:
Vgtasd · 05/04/2020 14:37

@pumpkin I didn't have the courage to kick off at him at the time but I never forgot and 12 years later I left him, he always made me feel beneath him that I was unattractive. She is a nasty bitch speaking about you like that and he is a spineless wimp to let her, take care of you and your lovely wee baby, being a mum is the best feeling in the world x

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:42

@Vgtasd glad you were able to finally leave him. Thanks, I hope I can be a good mum

OP posts:
MyTwoPence · 05/04/2020 14:46

I feel like I'm missing something here. What about the examples you've given its her being nasty? She's talking about pregnancy, it may be unpleasant to you to have to consider some aspects but what she's saying is largely factual.

Lots of women do poo during labour - it's nothing to be ashamed of. And most (all?) also have to wear giant pads after childbirth, again nothing to be ashamed of.
Home births aren't as safe as hospital births, and depending on your condition, yes it's quite possible that you shouldn't have one due to it.

It sounds to me either like you're hormones or your own discomfort with your changing body have made you over-sensitive to what actually sounds like quite practical advice she's giving him

anothernewyear · 05/04/2020 14:49

Your husband is a prick. From sharing personal details, allowing someone to take the piss out of you then finding it funny. He has no respect for you. None. Added to the fact you're worried about confronting him. I've been with my husband 20 years. This would be enough for me to walk away.
I could never be with someone who had so little respect for me that they'd talk about me behind my back in this way. Hes a cunt. It doesn't matter what excuse he comes up with. It's already done. it's there in black and white. I would not stay in the relationship nor be tied down with his child.

RickJames · 05/04/2020 14:49

That's so uncalled for and unacceptable. I always say nice things about my friend's partners. If I really like the partner then I'll even speak in their favour when a friend is moaning unreasonably about them. If I want my friend to be happy then I want to support a good relationship. This witch doesn't respect you or your husband IMO.

She's callous and false. Point that out to him.

rubberoftheband · 05/04/2020 14:49

@MyTwoPence practical advice from someone who hasn't had children and puts laughing emojis? Really? You really think the bitch of a woman is handing out useful information to the DH, when his wife is just eight weeks pregnant?

I don't think so, I also don't believe you really think that either?

champagneandfromage50 · 05/04/2020 14:50

Twopence I am not sure telling the OP DH that she will need to have laxatives before the birth or she might 'shit' herself with laughing emojis or the many other comments with laughing emojis is trying to be helpful.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 14:50

@MyTwoPence I’m not denying some of what she says is true but it’s the way she says it which I think is horrid. Knew someone would blame my hormones....

Also my condition is a bowel disease which is in remission and shouldn’t affect my ability to have a home birth if I want to try but obviously I will be discussing this with my midwife. It’s not her place to say, she’s not a close friend or family member

OP posts:
RickJames · 05/04/2020 14:51

And doing a poo in labour is nothing in the grand scheme of things. HCPs just want to help you get the baby out safely, come poo, wee, sick, blood, sweat, snot, whatever xxx

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 14:54

While this man seems a rather weak and pathetic figure, there has been a total loss of perspective here.
OP saw something from snooping. She has no understanding of the context. Most posters on here telling woman to leave the man and/or abort the baby.
OP needs to talk to the man without excessive emotion, and understand what's what.

MoonBlood · 05/04/2020 14:54

Context was everything.

There is no context in which a man discusses his pregnant wife in this manner with someone else that makes this ok. It’s a disgusting way to talk about any one, but your wife? If someone tried to make those kind of comments about my partner I’d be furious. If someone made comments like that to my OH about me he’d be furious. It’s not open for debate, it’s fucking disgusting!

What about the examples you've given its her being nasty?

Is this a joke? Who in their right mind finds out a friend of theirs is having a baby and decides to dish out this kind of ‘advice’ about his missis?! Would you feel it appropriate to talk to a friend about their expectant spouse this way? Just in case you’re not sure, the answer is No ofc it’s fucking not!

BlondieBeachBum · 05/04/2020 14:54

Wow. That is absolutely disgusting behaviour from both of them. I hate to say this, but there is obviously something dodgy going on between them. He isn't sticking up for you. He also sounds like a bully. I'd leave for this (hard at this time, obvs)