To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

@Pumpkin108 every one of your replies is getting worse.

Please think about this long and hard.
Sharing details about an internal exam wtf ?

He is either not the man you think he is or you have been burying your head in the sand about it.

This is bound to get worse. I can see it.
Imagine being post labour be it c section or natural and feeling pretty crap and vulnerable and the messages going on about you maybe having mood swings/ being tired/ not wanting sex / being emotional and her "needs to toughen up" "bet her downstairs is wrecked" "you won't be getting any anytime soon lol".

Or even worse I can completely see him discussing the nitty gritty details of your labour with her and her having a grand old time with that.

This is not a good man.

She didn't go to your house to see your two dogs: she went to see you.

I'd imagine that once you've had the baby, if you're still with him, she will be saying 'bet you aren't getting any now, how about we see each other instead since she can't meet your needs?'. She sounds so horrible, dunno how anyone can defend her.

He told her you had an internal scan, he is telling her very personal things about you. I have endometriosis and had an internal scan at 6 weeks and it fucking hurt. Dh didn't tell anyone.

Maybe you could tell him you are about to tell your friends about (insert personal thing about him) and ask him how he would feel about that.

You need to shut this down now, he is being disrespectful and disgusting to you. Like a PP said, able to stand up to you but not for you. Who is he trying to make happy more? Her or you? You could point this out to him.

@SummerWhisper why would she have come over to see me? I’m not friends with her...

@letsjog yes that’s exactly what I’m concerned about- that he’ll share even more intimate details and she’ll go to town with it.

I want to have it out but the truth is only one of the messages was left for me to see and then I looked on his phone to see the rest.. i know that’s wrong (and i would never normally do that) but just suspected the worst...

I’m worried now that in the past she might have written unpleasant comments about other things such as the fact i put on weight due to being on steroids for my illness or because my skin was bad

Op this is awful. Did you take a screenshot of these messages? Your dh comes across as immature never mind disloyal and unsupportive.

That's so awful. I really feel for you. He should be sticking up for you not going along with it. I would have to say something but I understand why you cant. Have you got a friend you can confide in ? Xxx

@Pumpkin108 to suss you out, to see what her competition is like...to see how he is with you, to see how he treats her in front of you and you in front of her. She sounds like a predator.

OP,
Have a look at some of the threads on here from women who

1. Live with bully's

1. Men who never stand up for them.

1. Men they are afraid to challenge.

1. Men they are afraid to discuss anything with.

Then read their stories of their lives, re money, childcare, housework.

Utterly miserable lives.

Women who are shadows of themselves.

Terrified of moving away because they are afraid for their children and sharing access with these bully's.

He knows this women briefly and yet feels happy sharing your most private information and medical procedures with her.

Have you anywhere you can go?

Because my bag would be packed.

Deep down he does respect or care for you.

Respect and loyalty are fundamentally connected.

You could never betray someone as he has done, that you felt love, loyalty and respect.

The two are inconsistent and incompatible.

I repeat think very hard about the future you want.
You have survived one abusive relationship.

I would bet that you are in one now and it will be ramped up going forward.

You are very vulnerable.

Please seek support IRL.

I would confront him he’s in the wrong here.

he will shut me down, saying she was joking, I’m over reacting and will also lose it with me for snooping

Right, this is what you do. You don't give him a chance to shut you down. Get your screenshots and send them to her future husband, so he knows what he's getting into, and to their manager at work, so they know how much work time is being wasted on personal stuff. Then tell him what you saw on the laptop, tell him he doesn't deserve to be a father to your child, and he needs to leave as soon as he has somewhere else sorted as you would rather do this alone than with a pathetic, disloyal creep like him. All icy cold, not arguing, not asking for anything.
This may sound way beyond what you want or feel happy with. But it will be a better outcome. He's not worthy of you or your child. Put an end to him bullying you and betraying you to others. There's a better life waiting. Your baby will be so much more rewarding than he will ever be.

Regarding you reading his messages you were totally justified soley on the basis of the one you saw. That would get anyone's back up and i would have to see the rest of the messages between the 2 of them. That is normal behaviour - his behaviour is not.

You really need to talk with your husband and get his side.

Oh god, how awful Pumpkin.

When you do confront him don’t let him start blaming it on your hormones, he will try to shift the blame onto her but even though she is a toxic person he is your husband and should not be sharing this personal detail about you and treating you like a joke.

I wonder if her coming to see the dogs was a ruse to check you out.

@MissEliza yes i have screenshots (see beginning of thread)

I actually spoke to his sister about it who I’m really close to and she was mortified to and said i need to speak to him. He’ll probably just say I’m being silly

OP did you actually realise how close these two are? Talking about intimate medical details of my partner is something I would only do with (if anyone) my parents or a vv close and trusted friend. It’s much more of the sort of conversation you have with your partner isn’t it than “friend chat” let alone “work chat”.

There is something very suspicious in this friendship. How much time do they spend together?

She's trying to make you look unattractive so she looks more attractive.

I can tell you OP that there's nothing more unattractive than a woman putting another woman down. I would just casually say to your husband that you've caught a glimpse of a couple of messages and you would expect him to defend you when someone is so rude and horrible about you and they should both be ashamed of themselves

This is going to sound awful but is she good looking? If it was an affair surly she wouldn’t be talking about the baby it sounds like she’s insecure and is trying to tear you down by making you less attractive by talking about you being weak and shiting yourself. Btw OP that may not happen it doesn’t happen to everyone (I’ve got 2 and didn’t happen to me) don’t listen to her limited knowledge on labour.

SummerWhisper why would she have come over to see me? I’m not friends with her
Shes eyeing up the competition. That sounds like a long conversation involving many insults to you.
If hed stood up for you at the beginning, they would have stopped. He sounds nasty and she will carry on undermining you throughout the pregnancy and after the birth. Would you be happy with your husband laughing along to months of she must be so fat, bet you're not getting any, bet you cant unseen the birth 'jokes' ?

You need to confront him. I actually think he will be mortified when he realises you found out as it's appalling. This 'work' friendship needs to stick to just work.

You're worried about a huge argument - but that will just have to happen if that's his way of dealing with it. . If he can't treat you with basic respect and protection now when you are at your most vulnerable then I'd be questioning the whole marriage.

Your only 8 weeks - why does she even know you're pregnant let alone discussing home birth

You must stand up for yourself (and your baby) 💐

@StVincent no i didn’t . I knew he had become friends with her since working together but was shocked tbh at the number of messages they exchange. I know if I question him telling her about my pregnancy he will just say but you told your friends... bUt these are my closest school friends I’ve known since i was 11 and even with them I haven’t talked about intimate details just general stuff and they’ve all been nothing but nice and excited for me.

The thing is she was the one who started most of the unpleasant talk...

The fact he would discuss this with her says a lot about him. Just so wrong.

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal she’s pretty but without wishing to blow my own trumpet, everyone says I am too... she’s skinnier than me but I’m not exactly fat (size 10)

think I’ve come to the conclusion we’ll have to have it out... I can’t just live with it

I agree she's trying to make you look unattractive. She's a nasty piece of work but your dh should not be allowing it.

She's hideous and manipulative.

He's weak and pathetic, likely to be easily led by a bit of female attention.

This won't end well.

Stick to your plan and have it out with him OP.

You can do this. And don't let him minimise what he's done. He's a piece of shit.