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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 05/04/2020 14:55

I had an early scan which had to be internal and I found it quite painful and she laughed at that too and said I need to toughen up

Wow. It's getting worse?! She's just vile isn't she.

But why on Earth is he telling her this stuff?!? It's so personal! What a dick. Angry

simplekindoflife · 05/04/2020 14:56

Has he told her about your bowel disease?!

PicturesOfCats · 05/04/2020 14:58

I shit myself in one of the labours. It was when I was pushing, and I clearly pushed too hard 🤣

However, there’s a difference between a women whose been through it saying it in a ‘been there done that no dignity in childbirth’ way of camaraderie, and a women whose never had kids saying it in a spiteful way.

It’s like anything else, OP,you know the spirit it was intended in, and it was spiteful, and your DH is spineless not sticking up for you.

rubberoftheband · 05/04/2020 14:59

@lmcneil003 stop banging on about the "snooping" it's irrelevant, you sound like you're the DH! The point is

  1. He's told someone that his wife is pregnant, before she's agreed.
  2. Him and the nasty bitch were taking the piss out of the OP, including
laughing emojis.
  1. The nasty bitch doesn't have children, nor a midwife so is hardly best placed to give any childbirth advice. I mean WTF would she know about child birth anyway.
Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 15:03

@simplekindoflife oh yes she knows about that... like I said she said I can’t have a home birth because of my "disease’

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 05/04/2020 15:03

@billy1966, good post, as most of the others are too.

ihatemyjob5 · 05/04/2020 15:09

Oh my god what a vile bitter woman she is. This screams jealousy to me. I would be fuming if my DH entertained this childish behaviour, I think you definitely need to confront him and make him aware how unacceptable it is. There is obviously deeper issues she has and has clearly never had children herself. Good luck with your pregnancy and your beautiful baby will be here before you know it.

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 15:10

I have joked about and heard many other women joke about the more unpleasant aspects of childbirth. In the right context they can be funny.
Our NCT group lunch we were all laughing about things like this.
However, it wouldn't have been funny in the delivery suite.
It's all about context.

By seeing a remark while snooping means all the nuances of the context are lost.

rubberoftheband · 05/04/2020 15:12

@lmcneil003 this nasty bitch wouldn't know anything about childbirth, she's not had one? Also ok for her to say that an internal scan isn't painful and the OP needs to toughen up? Why are you so convinced that bad behaviour should be excused because someone "snooped".

rubberoftheband · 05/04/2020 15:15

Also @lmcneil003 where is the "joke" when she said that OP can't have a home birth due to her "disease"? Again how would she know if it was possible or not, assuming again she's not a doctor or medical professional?

In what context would it be right for her to be deciding the ability to have a home birth?

NearlyGranny · 05/04/2020 15:18

And women who have given birth joke amongst themselves afterwards, but a decent person never tells scary stories to someone who is pregnant, especially if it's for the first time.

As for someone who's never been pregnant gloating in anticipation over how painful and disgusting it's going to be for you, a virtual stranger to her who has never harmed her, and your husband finding it funny and over sharing intimate details like your illness and internal scan, I really cannot find words to describe either of them! It is too deeply unpleasant and spiteful on her part and disloyal and hateful on his for any words I know to be bad enough.

rubberoftheband · 05/04/2020 15:20

As for someone who's never been pregnant gloating in anticipation over how painful and disgusting it's going to be for you, a virtual stranger to her who has never harmed her, and your husband finding it funny and over sharing intimate details like your illness and internal scan, I really cannot find words to describe either of them! It is too deeply unpleasant and spiteful on her part and disloyal and hateful on his for any words I know to be bad enough.

100% this!

EKGEMS · 05/04/2020 15:25

Oh Immcneil Do us all a favor and STFU

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 15:26

I have joked about and heard many other women joke about the more unpleasant aspects of childbirth. In the right context they can be funny. Our NCT group lunch we were all laughing about things like this. However, it wouldn't have been funny in the delivery suite. It's all about context.

Yes, laughing together about shared difficult experiences / challenges as a group.

Not laughing at the difficult experiences / challenges of one member of the NCT group behind their back.

You seem to be very keen on defending someone who has done something really horrible to OP.

The colleague OP's partner was speaking to has quite obviously been sneering and nasty. Him being disloyal and laughing about such person stuff doesn't make it right that she snooped, but neither does like her snooping make it right that he's been so disloyal and nasty.

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 15:28

*about such personal stuff

Mittens030869 · 05/04/2020 15:30

I can't believe anyone is defending this woman at all, her comments are completely vile. My DH is so private and it's so important to me to know that he has my back. That matters so much.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 15:35

lmcneil003 you've been banging on about the messages being a joke for 10 pages now. Give it a rest eh? You seem to lack empathy and comprehension skills. Its boring now.

MoonBlood · 05/04/2020 15:37

her comments are completely vile

Ofc they are. As is her husbands condoning them, and his laughing reaction. Anyone defending this shit of a man and the cruel cow bitching about the OP need to piss right off.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 15:37

Can imagine lmcneil003 is one of the people who make inappropriate and offensive "jokes" and find themselves hilarious, while everyone else looks at them like this 🙄🤔

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 05/04/2020 15:38

Aka a bully

diddl · 05/04/2020 15:39

I think you need to be prepared for him to turn it onto you or dismiss it as a joke.

I'm utterly appalled that your husband has told her so much private stuff about you.

HotelBravo · 05/04/2020 15:48

Ultimately OP, you can confront him, or ignore it.
Confronting him will result in him being a dick, and us advising you to leave before the baby is born (after the birth he can stop you moving far away)
But can you ignore it, knowing he talks about you with such disrespect?

MushroomTree · 05/04/2020 15:54

Wow. They're a lovely matching pair of arseholes aren't they!

@Pumpkin108 I'm sure you'll be a fantastic mother. And a far better one without him in the picture because you'll only have one child to focus on.

This woman is lining him up for an affair of some description. Emotional or physical.

There's no way he should be sharing those kinds of intimate details about you with anyone, least of all her.

I'd be having it out with him and looking at divorce. Sooner or later that's where this relationship is heading.

wildcherries · 05/04/2020 15:56

This is so vile, and 'D'H is a prize prick for his reactions and for sharing your medical history with her. He sounds pretty unattractive in many ways. I'd be thinking long and hard. Do you want a lifetime of this - walking on eggshells around someone who's a bully and doesn't stand up for you? Do you want it for your child?

Going it alone is better than this. Demand more for yourself.

ihatemyjob5 · 05/04/2020 15:59

@lmcneil003 I think you should leave now, your boring everyone to tears with your utterly shit opinions. Your making yourself look like an arse who more than likely bullies others and puts others down like this, there's no other reason than that that you would find this behaviour acceptable. How embarrassing.