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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 11:44

Yeah he sometimes can be a bit of a bully- he doesn’t like being told he’s wrong etc

OP posts:
DonutMuffin · 05/04/2020 11:45

I once had a woman say to me her friend 'ripped from her fanny to her ars*hole' when giving birth when I was pregnant with my first. She was having fertility issues but still very bitchy and unnecessary.

No excuse for her behaviour imo she's bitchy and jokes with your husband because she knows she can, as he's a bit of a push over.

Personally I can understand why you wouldn't confront him, is there an opportunity in the future to express your dislike for her? For example does she behave like this in public, maybe not as crass but generally if she were loud and rude I'd be saying I don't like her/her behaviour to your husband, 'she's a horrible person and maybe you need to re-evaluate your friendship with her'

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 11:53

My dad was driving me years ago and was cut up by someone (boy racer). My dad said "What a wanker. I'm going to kill that arsehole". I didn't think my dad would actually murder that person.
Context was everything.

During my grandfather's funeral, a few of us (including my mum, his daughter) were in the hearse and having a good laugh about his passing. Everyone found it amusing. I bet many of you would be saying that we were joking about someone's death, which we were. Both his daughters were laughing along. Context is everything.

Don't be a single parent because you took a joke out of context. Think carefully before you act.

AprilFloundering · 05/04/2020 11:55

You're only 8 weeks pregnant. 8 weeks.

And he's already told a coworker and laughing while she slags you off and your concerns and your medical issues. Laughing. And carrying on with her via text.

And you're afraid to say anything because he's a bit of a bully, as you say, and he's likely to go off at you for having seen the messages ... messages he happily left open for you to see.

I would honestly think long and hard if this is the person you want to go forward with and start a family with. It's not too late to reverse course, and yes, I mean end the pregnancy, and find someone who will love, cherish, protect and stand up for you as you deserve ... not openly mock you behind your back and share your intimate fears and medical details with a female coworker who is openly taking the piss out of you with him.

What a life you'll have together....

Or stand up for yourself and tell him to go to hell.

rootsonshow · 05/04/2020 12:01

Tell him that you know. It is a lack of respect to you, and if he accuses you of snooping just tell him that you have high intuition about him and the woman being cheap and nasty. Now is the time to care for yourself and your baby. x

Hidingtonothing · 05/04/2020 12:02

Nothing is right about this OP, not the total disrespect and disloyalty he's displaying towards you in those messages nor your reluctance to confront him. Your predictions/expectations of how he would react are worrying, how can you have any sort of healthy relationship if he turns everything back on you?

LucyAutumn · 05/04/2020 12:05

Do you have her as a contact on Facebook too? If you do if be tempted to create a group chat and add the screenshots to have it out with both of them.

frazzledasarock · 05/04/2020 12:06

Imcneil that’s not the same at all. Would you have made fun of your sick grandfather whilst he was alive about his illness about him? Would you make fun of him and his illness in a way you knew would upset him if he heard you?

It is not right to make fun of your partner and her intimate personal medical situation with people, when you know if you did it to her face it would hurt her feelings.

My partner and I can tease eachother and make fun of things about eachother with close friends and family but we know what’s said is not hurtful, not private and shared with friends and family who love us and Havel ur backs and aren’t trying to rip us up and make us look bad.

Yeah context is everything.

I don’t know anyone amongst my friends, family or acquaintances who would be nasty about my friends or family to me as they know it’s not something I would entertain.

Making jokes to cope with grief with loved ones about someone you all loved deeply is completely different.

SnipSnapPop · 05/04/2020 12:07

omg thats digusting, im sorry you had to see that OP. She must be jealous of something

Fimofriend · 05/04/2020 12:09

If it had happened to me, I would seriously reconsider if I would want to have a baby with that man. I hope you have someone who can support you IRL no matter what you decide to do. Handhold from here and I hope you'll be fine. Flowers

simplekindoflife · 05/04/2020 12:10

If you don't want to confront him, how about a general chat with him? Some people find it hard to go in all guns blazing, especially at the moment.

Tell him gently that this pregnancy has made you feel vulnerable and you can't shake the feeling that he is not supporting you as much as he should be emotionally. Ask him if he's happy? Say to him that you've only told a couple of close friends but has he told anyone else? Ask for reassurance that you both need to keep this a secret until you feel ready to tell anybody. Tell him of your health concerns and make him promise he won't tell anybody about them.

If the guilt doesn't make him confess then it might make him rethink his response to this woman (bitch) next time. And hopefully he'll pull his socks up.

Check his messages again another time and see if he has said anything else. It could be just a one time bad joke gone wrong.

(Ime, it makes no difference if she's engaged married, with kids, no kids, how old she is or type! Affairs happen! And she sounds iffy to me.)

Thanks for you.

Greenkit · 05/04/2020 12:12

You need to know he has your back, all the time.

I don't think he does

Daftodil · 05/04/2020 12:19

And I know it's not the point, but I shit myself when I gave birth. Some people do, some people don't. Please don't worry about that. I really couldn't have cared less. Seriously. I didn't care. I didn't even have to clear it up (my lovely midwife sorted it all out). Honestly, it's less effort than going to the loo really 😂

But... if you confide in your DP about something you are worried about, you have every right to expect him to maintain your confidence and not be making light of if with some random from the office!

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 12:34

@Daftodil thanks. It’s not something I actually talked to my husband about - she just randomly brought this up with him... not sure why? I know it can happen and I’ll just deal with it if it does but what she said was just rude

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/04/2020 12:34

OP, he's a 'bit of a bully' and takes the piss out of you with other people. It's not too late to reevaluate your relationship.

You will be vulnerable after birth and you'll have to protect yourself from his behaviour being ramped up. He'll feel a sense of entitlement to do that even more because he's surrounding himself with people who will validate his behaviour, by putting you down.

You described him as easy going and a pushover but them describe him as anything but.

greenkit · 05/04/2020 12:39

Speak to him

PerpetualCircle · 05/04/2020 12:42

OP, it worries me that you seem reluctant to confront him and you say he ‘can be a bit of a bully’. You have an underlying health issue and 8 weeks pregnant, he should be protective and caring, not massively disrespecting you.

I hate the term but does she consider herself to be his ‘work wife’? I have witnessed one of these so-called work wives feeling entitled to conment on IRL wife’s, as the husband had been bitching and moaning about IRL wife to her. The pair of them were odious. It was an ego boost for the pair of them.
You mentioned that she has been to your home, why would she come over? Clear lack of boundaries here.
If you forgive him I think you may live to regret it.

NearlyGranny · 05/04/2020 12:43

This is a horrible and shocking betrayal. No way round that. He's told someone when he agreed not to, over shared information that isn't about him but about you - and not even told you he's done it - and is laughing along when someone who is nothing to do with you and not known or trusted by you makes vile toilet and worse jokes at your expense. He should be ashamed of himself!

I woukd suggest starting by re-affirming with him that nobody outside the close family and friendship group you agreed to tell knows about the pregnancy. Count them off on your fingers as you name them and ask him directly whether he has already told anyone else or plans to. And is he sure? Nothing has been let slip accidentally? Is there anyone he wants to tell is the next question. Get him to think hard. Is there anyone he wants to tell, perhaps to get support?

If he doesn't confess or mention this woman, he is a deceiver as well as a betrayer.

Ask him if he is happy and feeling positive and excited about the pregnancy and of he has any worries about you, your health or his transition to fatherhood. Give him a chance to get anything out.

It's your decision then either to keep silence or to tell him he needs to close his laptop so you don't get hurt by seeing the truth about his behaviour and attitude.

If you tell him what you've seen, ask him to shut down all personal talk about you between them. Ask him how he'd feel if he discovered you were blabbing to a new friend or colleague he didn't know about his genitals and intimate details of them and laughing along at jokes about him losing control of his bowels in public.

It just has to stop, doesn't it? Are you having his baby or just providing subject matter for offensive jokes to entertain him?

Last question (for him and you): Are these the actions of a loving supportive husband? How loved and supported does (he think) this makes you feel?

He then has a chance to try to put things right. I hope he does.

Geppili · 05/04/2020 12:47

What Grumpos wrote is fantastic. He is immature and deeply disloyal. Thanks

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 12:48

@PerpetualCircle she came over because they’re friends I guess and she loves dogs and wanted to see our two...

I don’t know what she sees herself as but she seems pretty interfering. He also told her I had an early scan which had to be internal and I found it quite painful and she laughed at that too and said I need to toughen up

OP posts:
Geppili · 05/04/2020 12:51

Does this woman have children? If so I feel sorry for them. I would be beyond livid.

SudokuQueen · 05/04/2020 12:52

What was his response to her saying you need to toughen up?

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 12:59

No she has no children...
I can’t remember his response to that... because she started with that and then went on to loads of other things. .. all through she jokes saying don’t tell (my name) with a laughing emoji after

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 05/04/2020 13:00

It won’t be a comfortable conversation, but sounds like he is oversharing also. Things which should be private is is happily telling her. I wouldn’t be happy if DJ disclosed so much information so early in the pregnancy.

bringbacksideburns · 05/04/2020 13:01

OP what are you going to do? You've had your answer and it's unequivocally that YANBU.

Looking at the conversation they both sound ridiculously immature and juvenile. It's hard to imagine they are as old as they are.

Your life is about to change forever and your partner needs to be on board.

If you let this slide it will eat you up. Are you scared of him? Why can't you discuss this calmly and tell him you want him to stop joking with her and being disrespectful. Tell him you think her reaction is very odd and unsupportive for a woman. You are in the early stages of pregnancy and don't need to read comments from someone with no experience because they aren't a mum. It isn't hilarious. You weren't snooping it was left open.

You said something about trust which makes me think you have issues with him and that's why you won't speak to him.