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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:

MushroomTree · 06/04/2020 20:07

@Pumpkin108 he sounds worse with every post you write.

Not his house? Out he goes then! Locksmiths probably still count as essential workers so get someone round to change the locks.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 20:08

he doesn’t like me using my phone.

That doesn't sound good

lmcneil003 · 06/04/2020 20:17

Whilst this guy sounds a rather odious character, he is the father of the unborn.
OP - don't make any rash decisions.

The facts are you were snooping. You saw some nasty things. He is not taking your hurt seriously. He shows controlling and unpleasant characteristics. You are pregnant with a wanted child.

Those are the facts. Let everything calm down and then ask yourself if you want to be a single mum.
Ask yourself what is best for the unborn child.
Do it rationally and calmly.

If the answer is you want out of the relationship, tell him to sling his hook. If not, find a way to forgive him and move on.

Good luck. I won't comment further on this thread.

Butterymuffin · 06/04/2020 20:19

If he can find a solicitor who thinks he can have some claim on your house, after under three years of marriage, then let him instruct them and take it to court - it wouldn't be loads so IF it came to that you might well be able to just buy him out anyway. But that's all way down the line. Right now it is YOUR house which you own and you have every right to ask him to leave while you reconsider the lack of future of your marriage.

He does not get to state what he will and won't do here. The house is yours, the power is yours. He has family so he can go and bunk in with them. Find your anger OP and tell him. Get the midwife to back you up.

Butterymuffin · 06/04/2020 20:22

If the answer is you want out of the relationship, tell him to sling his hook. If not, find a way to forgive him and move on.

Even if you want to pursue option 2 here, I think your best course is still to tell him to move out. That way he might realise what he's done. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be his doormat forever.

Noconceptofnormal · 06/04/2020 20:24

I definitely couldn't forgive this, I would be kicking him out now lockdown or no lockdown, where he goes is his problem.

You can't trust him again, especially as he still doesn't seem to realise he's done something hugely disloyal. I saw your screenshot and really felt a burning anger on your behalf, if I had seen those laughing emojis in relation to my health conditions and the struggles I had with my pregnancies I couldn't move beyond it.

Despite everything you'll be happier with him out of your life.

lmcneil003 · 06/04/2020 20:26

Please stop saying to the OP 'If you let him stay you are a doormat.'
That could be incredibly bad for her self esteem if she decides to stays with this chap. Stop it.

FilledSoda · 06/04/2020 20:28

It's your house !
Brilliant , off he fucks then , job done .
Seriously this is who he is , get out before he destroys every bit of self esteem you have and you're saddled with more kids.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 20:28

Update: I decided to message the woman ... i calmly just said that i found her comments hurtful etc, didn’t rant or lose my rag haha.. anyway she come back and apologises, says she was just saying what her friend told her ... and she sometimes tells silly stories. She says she won’t mention anything about my pregnancy ever again. So i dont know but anyway

OP posts:

FilledSoda · 06/04/2020 20:29

But she wasn't the problem , not really , it was his response .

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 06/04/2020 20:30

I thought most of us, me included, were saying she deserves a proper man/deserves better.

And she does. She is not with a good man from what she is saying.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 06/04/2020 20:31

Ah OP. Your problem is not with her.

Windyatthebeach · 06/04/2020 20:35

Personally I would be asking for her address to send his stuff to...
He sounds like a teenager in his ways...
Yabu to accept this life a day longer.

MushroomTree · 06/04/2020 20:44

Regardless of what either of them say I'd still always be on my guard and think that they're continuing to talk about me behind my back.

He would have told her that you were upset, so she's said what she needs to say to diffuse the situation.

They'll continue just as before.

This would be the end of the relationship for me.

cstaff · 06/04/2020 20:50

At the very least you need some time alone to think this through without him there telling you what and how you should feel. Send him home for a few days, see your midwife on your own and then decide what is best for you and your child.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 20:56

She will just laugh about how sensitive you are behind your back. Sounds like a dog whistle girl

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 20:56

It's bullshit.

Her references to faecal continence in relation to the birth seemed (to me anyway) to be linked to her knowing about your bowel condition.

Also, what does her saying you're not tough or whatever the exact word was (in relation to how you found the scan) have to do with things her friend told her?

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 21:01

she sometimes tells silly stories

She sounds about 12; no wonder she gets in so well with your "spoilt child" husband. As well as them being bullies as another poster said - they're puerile bullies.

Anyway she was disengenuous.

They realise suits goin fmduwn and they've got damage limitation to do "I didn't mean anything by it" " it's just something I was repeating", " there was no harm meant" etc.

jadey0891 · 06/04/2020 21:01

Hi op
What this women said is vile. And tbh your partner is vile to have even responded to what she said.

I think you should question him.
If you don't say nothing it will burn you inside and make you more upset. Your confidence will then start to go down hill.

Look after yourself op. Hope everything will change xx

billy1966 · 06/04/2020 21:06

OP, he doesn't like you using your phone.

Oh my goodness......

You are in an abusive relationship, you poor woman.

You could ask the midwife to help you.

You should tell her thst your husband doesn't like you to use your phone.

Surely you know this is wrong, abusive and controlling.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 21:06

This is when they realise their little flirtation/bond probably wouldn't work as a primary relationship, and their "'ol reliable" partners better be given some smooth over bullshit a d they better get control back. She's possibly scared you'll show her fiance

categoricallycrackers · 06/04/2020 21:08

OP if you've had other issues, like 'he doesn't like you using his phone', consider getting some counselling. The likely reason he was slow to apologise is because he thinks he can behave as he likes. It's one rule for him and another for you. You should learn to challenge this. Having a baby is emotionally overwhelming and for many, it creates a vulnerability that some men take advantage of. Counselling could help you navigate this.

categoricallycrackers · 06/04/2020 21:08

Sorry 'using your phone'!

Pimmsypimms · 06/04/2020 21:09

She wasn't the problem though op.
Your dh didn't have your back, that's the problem.
You are about to have a baby with him, it won't get easier, it will get much, much harder.
By the sounds of it, you wouldn't be able to count on his family for support either.
Think about if this is the path you want your life to go down

cooldarkroom · 06/04/2020 21:18

They were in contact in the interim, she agreed to fake an apology.
he is covering his tracks.
tell him to leave your house, you require time to heal/think.
he can go & fawn to this woman, Elsewhere

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