To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

So you say. I fear your husband cares not one hoot for your opinion and will go regardless...

There's something off about their relationship.

They chat a lot, even when not working.

He tells her intimate, personal, sensitive info. about you, the pregnancy etc.

She's extremely derogatory to you but he doesn't shut her down, except in a "oh you" kind of meaningless way.

She expects him to get on a plane, to attend her wedding alone, and leave his wife and child at home.

I think they're work wife & husband. I think. she thinks she could have him if she wanted. I think she pushes for a type of higher status/superiority to you and sees his oversharing and acceptance (or at the very least lack of proper challenge) of her being derogatory towards you as proof that she has it. I think she sort of believed he's her bitch or one of her "court".

They have a totally inappropriate relationship.

That's a big part of the problem here.

Thing is, even if you said "fuck off and get with her then" she would probably stick with her current man, abdbhed probably prefer to have someone he has the upper hand over.

*and he would

I think she pushes for a type of higher status/superiority to you and sees his oversharing and acceptance (or at the very least lack of proper challenge) of her being derogatory towards you as proof that she has it

@GilbertMarkham has it. This is articulated brilliantly and is exactly how the situation looks.

Jesus I have just read the whole thread.
YADNBU.

OP don't let him gaslight you. You haven't done anything wrong. He is in the wrong and she is a nasty piece of work to be messaging another woman's husband making fun of her. She's a cow, end of.

I've been in your situation (the constant texting, the dismissals, the uneasy feelings) Turns out my husband was sleeping with her for a month before I got the truth. He was pleading with me "we're just friends" literally hours after shagging her in the back of her car.

Go with your gut. And refuse to take any more crap from him.
His behaviour is NOT normal, or respectful.
His behaviour is NOT loving. It isnt the actions of a normal loving husband who has a pregnant wife.

I’ve just read the thread and have to say this is the worst one I’ve seen in a long time on Mumsnet.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation op, you’ve got enough on your plate being pregnant right now with health conditions without all of this.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted that he would firstly tell this woman about your personal and private medical information and then allow her to take the piss, cruelly and not shut it down immediately. He actually joined in on mocking you.

Then he manipulates you to shut you up when you do speak up about it.

I’d be more mad at him than her to be honest. She just sounds like a silly child who needs to grow up and stop being jealous of other people’s relationships.

If he doesn’t have your back now under the current circumstances then will he ever?

I’d be going nuclear and not speak to his family. You don’t need validation from them to feel betrayed. He’s hurt you and has behaved appallingly and should now be trying to make amends. Not take the piss further.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent/own etc?

@brachiosaurusdance I own the house. Yep it's absolutely crap. He's now acting like the injured one/victim... Unbelievable

My work friends would never insult my partner and we're close

@Pumpkin108 tell him to go out when the midwife gets there. You can still go out for exercise. He needs to make himself scarce.

And call a solicitor to discuss the financial and property aspects of divorce. Whether you choose to end your marriage or not, at least be armed with the facts of the situation.

Just say to him "I'm carrying your much wanted child and out of respect for me and your unborn child you should defend me and protect me - not join in with someone ridiculing me". Also show him this thread. Then tell him to go and move in with his family and not to come back unless he can understand what he did wrong and the importance of loyalty. Tell him you'd rather bring up your child alone than with someone who hasn't got your back.

Also if he's still there tomorrow, tell the midwife what he did and ask her to make clear to him (from an appropriate distance) that his behaviour is disgusting and unsupportive. Most midwives I've encountered are pretty formidable.

I'm so angry for you - I wish I could have a word with him.

I own the house.

Great! Tell him to go. Seriously. In front of the midwife so someone 'official' has heard it.

Is he not on the mortgage or deeds at all?

No legal expert but in that case maybe you could chuck him out if you wanted to.

He can still go after part of any equity as a marital asset in s divorce though.

I bought my small house about 9 yrs before I got married, he's never been on the mortgage .. and a solicitor told me she thought he'd get 25% of any equity.

No there’s no mortgage and in my sole name. We’ve been married less than 3 years

I own the house.

^^ that's great!
If he's not on the deeds / tenant then get him out!

He only "sort of apologised" to get you to stop going on about it and you know that don't you @Pumpkin108 ?

His behaviour around the whole thing is giving you a crystal clear picture of what he is.

He did something horrible and disgusting and betrayed the trust of his wife.
He should be completely apologetic, give you access to all messaging apps and be doing some extremely serious grovelling.
Instead what does he do.
Minimise.
Deflect.
Sulk.
Blame someone else.
Minimise.
Throws a half arsed apology your way.
Sulk.

And your child isn't even here yet.

I concentrated a lot on how I suspect she she's the situation in my last post - I should really have added that I seriously doubt he doesn't realise his behaviour is inappropriate and disrespectful. He just thinks he should be able to have this inappropriate relationship with her, which they no doubt both get some gratification,.validation, ego massage, feeling of having another partner option if they want one perhaps etc. from (they've formed a bond to some degree and would be reluctant to let it go) and you shouldn't be an inconvenient obstacle to it.
He doesn't have the maturity or integrity to ever really admit to what we been doing and stop it. This might peeter out, it might not. Or it might be another woman at some point.

What was the other behaviour that you were unhappy about (but hoped he'd grow up with becoming a father)?

Please speak to the Midwife alone tomorrow. If your husband asks why he can’t be there keep response simple but factual - “because you can’t be trusted with my private medical information”.
Your midwife will guide you & get you any support you need.

*what he's been doing

No there’s no mortgage and in my sole name. We’ve been married less than 3 years

I don't know about English law in this - not sure if he could still go after a payout as a marital Massey even though you e been married less than three years.

I think showing him this thread is def out now (not that it was ever a great idea)..

*Asset

Please speak to the Midwife alone tomorrow. If your husband asks why he can’t be there keep response simple but factual - “because you can’t be trusted with my private medical information

THIS.

Also not his house? Tell
Him to fucking leave for now and take some time to think about where his fucking loyalty lies.

@GilbertMarkham it would take another whole thread to explain... he can just be quite childish and act like a spoil brat who wants his own way all the time... he doesn’t like me using my phone...

I'm so angry for you - I wish I could have a word with him.

So civilised.

Having a word with him isn't my gut instinct to be honest.

The more you post the more he needs to be told to sling his hook.

You are going to be tied to him Forever with your child but you don’t have to live with him one minute more.