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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:

categoricallycrackers · 06/04/2020 16:58

At least he has now apologised. Maybe he gets it now, maybe he doesn't. Be wary OP, I hope for you, this is a lesson to him and it makes him change tack. I said it earlier, a lot of people grow up when they have kids, maybe he will too.

What I know is that you get the behaviour you accept. You've made it really clear that his behaviour here is inappropriate, disloyal and upsetting. If we are all really generous we can say that he is immature and didn't get that. He knows now that any repeat is ill advised for the sake of your relationship. I hope he does behave in future and treat you with more respect.

I'd still be meeting the midwife alone and confiding in her, just for a real life opinion and source of support for you. His family will not have your back. Look after yourself OP and keep standing up for you and your baby.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 17:29

I dont think he gets it. I think for me the fact he was so reluctant to apologise or understand why i was so upset is a big issue... it’s not the first time he’s refused to admit he’s done anything wrong and has shifted blame onto someone else (in this case, the horrible ‘friend’)

OP posts:

Motoko · 06/04/2020 17:37

OP, the reason you're getting so many posters saying you need to leave him, is experience. There are some men who conform to a type, and he is one of them, he me people telling you what he will say or do next. We have been with this type of man before, and they all seem to follow the same script. So don't dismiss what people are saying, thinking we don't know him like you do. We know his type, better than you, and can see what is ahead of you, as clearly as if it was right in front of us. It's not good, and will only get worse.

Speak in private to your midwife, please.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 06/04/2020 17:38

He Apologised because he is tired of hearing what an arsehole he is not because he is sorry.

As I said yesterday, you deserve better. They deserve each other. But make no mistake, your problem is not with her. It is all on him.

Also - don’t tell his parents or confide in his sister again. In 99.99% of cases blood is certainly thicker than water. They may make right noises to your face but their loyalties will lie with him.

Motoko · 06/04/2020 17:39

Hence, not he me. Bloody autocorrect.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 17:39

OP should take her time.

I dint think op should be pressured to make instant decisions and take instant action.

I do however feel deeply perturbed and pessimistic about this guy as a decent partner, and think she might be best to cut her losses and be a single mum (to one only) child.

The dynamic of the relationship seems to be poor, with op being the loser/having less power and I'm not surprised to read the post above. I have s feeling there'd be s lot more that would make us think this guy is a horrible dickhead/bastard if op outlined everything to date.

Op you have less family support than most people, do you st least have a couple of decent friends? If not could you do anything to try to cultivate some?

(If it's any help, I met more people through a rental groups and activities, and post natal stuff than I ever have at any time other than maybe university ....it's of them will be wrapped up in their own stuff and have v limited availability but find are more open and are an opportunity for good new friendships).

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 17:40

*antenatal groups

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 17:41

*some

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 17:50

As an absolute minimum in the meantime op, I would tell.him very assertively that he is not to share further details about your pregnancy or health or in fact anything about you with his idiotic nasty work colleague. Since they are such fun, interesting good-humoured, witty and chatty people (pair of fkg cunts) they can find other topics of conversation.

It is not her business, he should never have told her about the pregnancy, he doesnt not have your permission to continue speaking about anything related to you (understandably having seen the delightful nature of their conversation) at any time.

That's the least he can do.

He should stop all communication with her except for strictly necessary work stuff but he'll just do it, hide it, call you controlling etc.

billy1966 · 06/04/2020 17:53

You would be well advised to see the Mid wife on your own and keep your medical business to yourself.

You poor women.

You deserve so much better.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 18:03

I haven't done anything wrong

1131 people and counting think you have, mate.

I'm sure your husband would be so happy and relaxed if he had a bowel condition you'd told your make work colleague about, and he now had to go through something that could exacerbate it and your work colleague was making comments like "oh fk, imagine he'll have to take laxatives beforehand so he doesn't shit himself" lol "he'll probably have to wear adult nappies afterward" lol.

Also saying he wasnt "tough" because he was in discomfort during an invasive internal exam; :"that's a right nancy you're married to" ...

And all the while you're lightly chiding him but sending laughing emojis and telling him this deeply personal, sensitive things.

He'd think it was all cool, that you'd done nothing wrong, right.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 18:03

@GilbertMarkham thanks for your advice. Yes have told him I want no further details to be shared about my pregnancy etc but I feel like it’s too late because unless he tells this woman how upset and annoyed I am and therefore he is and that he won’t be discussing anything else, then she will just carry on... she knows now so obviously she’s going to keep on asking stuff etc... and making comments.

It’s just really hard for me, I’m a bit on my own and even more so with lockdown. I can’t really speak to midwife easily on own as she’s coming to house. However I have an appointment with an nhs midwife on the phone the next day so maybe I could mention stuff to her?

I just want things to be ok... yes there’s been issues in the past but I thought recently things had improved and that finding out he was going to be a dad had made him grow up a bit...clearly I was wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 18:07

@GilbertMarkham haha no he’s overly sensitive and if I said anything really personal about him to friends who then took the piss and I joined in, don’t think he’d be too happy. I’m just sick of him thinking his behaviour is ok and his bloody family joining in. His sisters now pissed at me too because I told her I knew she’d side with him ultimately and she said she stood up for me apparently...

OP posts:

peaceanddove · 06/04/2020 18:10

It would be tragic OP if you decided to stay with your DH because by staying with him you are settling for just half a life. Your DH has clearly shown you that he has very little respect for you and that he has very little integrity. He has shown you that he is quite immature and spiteful and thinks it's fine to go behind your back and laugh at you. He has shown you that he doesn't take you seriously and that you don't deserve a genuine apology. I could go on and on couldn't I? What if your baby is born with a disability, will your DH make fun of them and laugh about them with other people.

Sadly I expect you'll stay with him and live just a sad half life with someone who just isn't a nice person

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 18:11

I just want things to be ok

I am sad for you, because I know this feeling (I think we all do). But things are not ok, and he is not going to make them ok, that much is clear. What is actually important is not that things are ok with this man: it’s that you and your baby are ok on your own. Which you are.

As I said upthread - you are pregnant and married. It’s not realistic that you just throw your marriage away etc over this (although you would be more than justified in doing so). What I would personally do is kick him out in the hope that he would understand from such a large gesture that you have a backbone and a bottom line; and he needs to respect you and tow that line, otherwise he’s gone. That you are serious.

Not talking to her now is not enough - he needs to set her straight and give you some assurances/acknowledgment. Otherwise what’s the point? What’s the point when he goes back to work and you are home with the baby wondering what they are Laughing about today? What’s the point when he continues to disrespect you?

I would try the shock tactic/kick up the arse. For however long it takes. If it doesn’t work; you have your answer and you don’t let him back.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 06/04/2020 18:11

So it is ok for him to take the piss but not for you?

Make him go upstairs or out in the garden or street when you have your midwife appt. you are entitled to privacy and confidentiality for your med appts - he is not entitled to be there because he is your husband.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 18:12

Also, seriously...

BACK AWAY FROM
HIS FAMILY.

Their opinion does not matter. They are not your family. They do not have your best interests at heart, no matter what they say. They are not helping and you complaining to them will
Not have the desired response. I’ve been there too, trust me on that.

peaceanddove · 06/04/2020 18:13

I see you wrote "I just want everything to be okay" but things can never be okay, not really, when you're married to someone like your DH.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 18:20

she knows now so obviously she’s going to keep on asking stuff etc... and making comments.

If she does it's up to him to shut her down. If he doesn't, he's chosen his path.

Of course you may never know because he may hide communication.

Though he may slip up sooner or later. I suppose the fear of many on this forum is that you'll find out down the line when it's even harder to leave.

Any decent person who could acknowledge how they've acted would cut all unnecessary non work communication with her in these circumstances; but then if they were decent the situation wouldnt exist in the first place.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 18:20

@peaceanddove sadly you are right in all respects ... I’ve been through so much in my life already and I don’t have the strength to walk away at least not right now...
@crispysausagerolls not sure if he’ll be going back to work atm as his job is hanging by a thread with cv. But tbh even if he doesn’t that won’t stop them. She wants him to go to his wedding in Poland whenever it ends up taking place... most likely when I’ve had our baby. Yes it’s hard with his family because I have no family of my own and it’s hard to accept that they just stand up for his crap...but tbh his parents have no clue what he is really like.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 18:22

*Also, seriously...

BACK AWAY FROM
HIS FAMILY.

Very true.

It's upsetting and frustrating (on top of everything else), especially as you don't really have family of your own, but it's very true.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 18:25

@GilbertMarkham sadly you are right and as previously stated I’m sure by tonight he will have changed all passwords so I can no longer check. Wouldn’t be surprised if in his mind he thinks I’m in the wrong for snooping...

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 18:26

She wants him to go to his wedding in Poland whenever it ends up taking place... most likely when I’ve had our baby.

The fuck would my husband be spending our family money whole I'm looking after a new baby on my own to go to that absolute cunt's wedding - whose been so nasty, derogatory and degrading to me. Your child at possible risk of miscarriage and her going on about you not being "tough" ... Talking about faeces when referring to the birth of your child in seven months time ..... No, no, no, no.

You need to go nuclear on him.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 18:32

You need to go nuclear on him

Yes!

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 18:32

@GilbertMarkham this is exactly how I feel. There’s no way he’s going

OP posts:

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