To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

All her comments about how I’m not tough enough etc and making pregnancy and birth literally sound like a shit show (instead of something miraculous) has made me doubt my ability to get through this. .. doesn’t he care that, some silly woman from work has made me feel this way?

It says s lot about her character and judgement that she's making comments like that about birth, having not experienced birth herself.

I had an elective caesarian but what I know of the births of all my antenatal group members, and sisters and friends and acquaintances is that they're all different. And completely uncontrollable. What happens, happens and the mum and team have to go with it and do what's best.

The only thing that matters is having a stable healthy mum and baby.

My sister had her baby quickly, bit of gas and air, no episiotomy, no stitches. My cousin had an episiotomy etc but still said birth was an amazing experience that she's so glad she had. Some women end up with emergency caesarians, a d if that happens - that's the way it goes, it was the experienced medical personnel's best judgement to get a safe delivery.

Don't worry about it, it will happen and most births are unextroidinary. Billions of women have been through it and billions more will go through it. We have better support than we've ever had.

Back on the main topic, he really shouldn't have been entertaining anything this woman was saying. And he really really shouldn't have been telling her personal stuff - at all but esp given what he's said about her character..

Her comments about you not being tough enough, from.a woman who's not even been pregnant or given birth (not that it would be ok even if she had) make my blood boil.

She's an absolute cunt but your husband has given her information to let her be a cunt about, and is not shutting her down.

She seems to be playing some sick superiority game over you (or perhaps all women) and he hadn't got the sense, loyalty or integrity not to play all with it.

This is horrible behaviour. If I were you I would be seriously thinking about talking your midwife when she comes round that you do not want your DH in the room and trekking her precisely why (because he won't keep your medical details confidential and had really upset you by blabbing then to his colleague and laughing along as she belittled you). Hopefully you'll have a good old-fashioned battleaxe who will make her opinion of him quite clear to him one way or another. Either way, you get to keep your personal business personal and not have it laid out for the entertainment of this total bitch by your dickhead husband (not to put too fine point on it!)

It's easy for him to deny it's a big deal when it's between you and his family, but much more difficult when his vile behaviour is aired to the wider world. Be aware that he will almost certainly blame you for 'making him look bad' to other people rather than reflect on his the fact his own actions have done that for him but in your shoes I might well be pissed off enough not to care.

*along with it

this isn’t a man who values you as the mother of his child. Your body is nurturing his child so he should be worshipping it.

His sis is probably panicking that u will break up and in her misguided way is trying to protect him but you do not need to burden yourself with her feelings
Keep evidence of all screenshots. Not to show to others necessarily but to remind yourself of how bad they are when he tries to play them down.
Strange that you don’t have your in-laws number but I wouldn’t involve them as it will only feel like more people you have to explain to and they will create self doubt.

I think you need to confront her if nothing but to call her out for how dispicable she has been and that she is not welcome at your house again.

Then you need to have time to yourself to consider if you want to continue with the marriage even if just in separate rooms.
Don’t be afraid to do this alone if that is what you prefer

@Pumpkin108, I completely understand why you think this woman's spiteful comments are 'making you feel this way', but really that's not so. It's what you are thinking about her comments that is making you feel bad. Think about it: she can't literally jump into your body and say 'think this, feel this', which is great news because YOU are the only one who can control what you want to feel. And that all starts with how you want to think about this. You say your dh is largely supportive. Build from that. Perhaps tell him how much you appreciate and need his support, tell him how scary this is for you, bring him along for the journey. Not from a position of fear, but from a position of empowerment - you are choosing the course that is best for you and your baby. Above all else DECIDE how you WANT to feel and think thoughts that will create those emotions. You can't change the past. You can't change what's been said, but you can control how you move forward. I know this may seem counter-intuitive, believe me, but I've helped lots of people move on from this kind of thing by changing their thinking. DM me if you have questions.

@Pumpkin108 Admittedly my perspective only. I think you are making a major mistake going through with this pregnancy. You are only 8 weeks pregnant. At that stage it is barely larger than an m'n'm, it doesn't have brain formed, or a nervous system. I am just saying that it is not a baby. To say it's not far to the 'baby' doesn't make sense. You are so lucky, you are only 8 weeks, going through with this pregnancy will tie you to him (and possibly to her) forever! You have a golden opportunity to separate from this pig of a man who thinks so little of you, and eradicate you ties to him. Terminating is an option you have that many in your situation (baby already born/other children) don't. Take it, with both hands. Of course this is only my perspective, but this is fate that it came out when you are so early in the pregnancy. Why tie yourself to him for life, when you are still young, can find a good decent man (they are out there) who will love you, respect you and your feelings and rights. You could have children with the right man. Don't be saddled with a baby with him for life. This man hates you, at the minimum he can barely conceal his contempt for you, laughing about you and your medical conditions. Wtf? He is a sociopath. He is not father material. You have a real chance to break away from him and have ZERO ties to him. Leave and make the appointment that will make you free from that germ forever.

It is particularly despicable that she brought your bowel disease/condition into the comments about the birth (and after the birth) - which she only knew because he told her - and he laughed along and didn't tell her she was being despicable.

"You're a git" (not sure which comment that was about) with smiling/laughing emojis .. not enough to discourage or make it remotely clear it's unacceptable.

Just read your recent posts. If you leave, tell him to leave. Have a close family member or friend there with you to force him out. Yes, I know, isolating and all, but this is not a mentally healthy situation for you, and the exemptions do cover this type of thing.

I would ask him to leave. If you let him dismiss you he will keep on doing it. I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone like him. I would still have the baby, but seriously limit his input.

Believe it or not these situations don't have to be resolved within 24 hrs of the op posting. Some posters 🙄.

I talked to him again and asked if he was going to apologise and he was like why... I haven't done anything wrong so I git really annoyed. Told him what I thought of the pair of them. He's now sort of aplogised and said he won't talk to her again

The sooner the better though if you are in the early stages of pregnancy.

That was for Gilbert, sorry.

“Sort of apologises”?! What does that mean?!

Pumpkin, there is only so many times we can tell you the same thing.
This joker is not going to change. He genuinely didn't see what he was doing was wrong. He has no concept of respect for your privacy or respect for you as a person. He has no concept of how to behave in a basic decent way. He is not doing everything to make you feel happy and treasured, as he should be doing for you right now.

He will not change.

He does not get it. He will never get it. Him and that nasty woman deserve each other. You, deserve SO much better, I can tell you are a good hearted and decent person. This, will be your relationship with him, for the next 18 years. Are you strong enough for that? It's like, you're in a cage, the door is half open and you see light and fresh air and opportunity outside. Leave that cage. Go out that cage door, as it were. Please understand he has no concept of how a decent human being, let alone husband or prospective father acts. Please understand he will never change. Don't let this golden opportunity pass you buy. You deserve the best, not derision and contempt.

He's not sorry at all. He's "apologised" to make you shut up and go away.

He won't stop talking to her. He might be more secretive about it, but he won't stop. And when you challenge him you'll be told you're controlling for policing who he talks to and that he's allowed to speak to whomever he likes.

Him stopping talking to her wouldn’t be enough for me. He should have to fucking explain to her why what she said was unacceptable and that he oughtnt to have gone along with it!!!!

He's a bully and she's a bully and they're doing what bullies do, ganging up and taking the piss out of someone they see as weaker or more vulnerable. This isn't a momentary lapse of judgment on his part. This is who he is. So you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a nasty bully who will happily belittle you to others for fun.

I suspect you're going to live with his half arsed insincere apology.

i really, really hope that a few years down the line you're not on here posting that you've got a 2 year old and a baby, and your DH isn't lifting a finger and is actively making fun of you and tells you you're over-reacting when you get upset. And the stress of doing everything and putting up with it means your illness is out of remission and making your life even harder for you.

Then you'll really feel trapped.

I really, really hope you have a bigger better picture of him than what you've provided for you to be looking for a reason to stay and accepting his aresoholeness.

He genuinely didn't see what he was doing was wrong. He has no concept of respect for your privacy or respect for you as a person.

I'm not sure actually sure about that - he might know in his heart of hearts but he doesnt care.

Op doesn't seem like an equal, assertive partner in this relationship. And that's the dynamic that suits him.

The sooner the better though if you are in the early stages of pregnancy.

I just think.its unrealistic to expect the op to end their marriage and throw their souse out (at the best of times let alone during these circumstances) within 24 hours of posting about an issue. It just makes them feel weaker/judged if they don't. Or it makes them feel like advice on here is unrealistic and to dismiss it.

*spouse

He's a bully and she's a bully and they're doing what bullies do, ganging up and taking the piss out of someone they see as weaker or more vulnerable. This isn't a momentary lapse of judgment on his part. This is who he is. So you need to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with a nasty bully who will happily belittle you to others for fun .

24 pages rolled into one.

Yes, you're quite right Gilbert.
OP should take her time.
Other posters are tell her to abort FFS!
They are making the OP feel weak by not immediately ending the marriage.
It's not good behaviour, and it seems other grievances are being directed at this particular thread.