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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
bunhead34 · 06/04/2020 13:42

That's awful op.
Has he said why he is telling her your personal information? Like the scan and that you are even pregnant?!

Hoggleludo · 06/04/2020 13:46

@lmcneil003
Do you just come on to rile everyone up? On the abortion posts. Yours are usually removed for vile context

And now this?

You must have a sad sad life.

Op. Your husband has behaved despicably. Confront him. Explain that you feel hurt he's even told this woman. How bad she's made you feel. For him to man up and tell her to butt out or you'll do it! Hugs

Mix56 · 06/04/2020 13:49

The crux is, he isn't talking to OP, although still continued to laugh with the cow he has swept it all under the carpet.
HE has decided its OK.
Now he is sulking
yet another clear sign of abuse..
OP, You need to pull up your big girls pants, & tell him to fuck off. back to his parents, because you are not living with his belittling & deflecting.
He clearly has not got your back, & now is the time to face that he is not the person you thought he was

Sorka · 06/04/2020 13:53

You’re very worried about him accusing you of not trusting him due to snooping. You CAN’T trust him. He has shared deeply intimate private information about you with a woman who openly mocks you.

If you want to tell her to back off do, but your real problem is your disrespectful husband. She’d probably find being called out hilarious - though I doubt her fiancé would if he knew who he was marrying. Does she speak to and about everyone the same way that she does to your husband about you?

NearlyGranny · 06/04/2020 14:02

What he did wrong was blurting out masses of very personal medical and pregnancy details about his wife to a work colleague. How plain can you make that to him? And it's clear from her reaction that he gossiped in a nasty way - complaining about you or mocking you to her - or she wouldn't have piled in. Or why didn't he shut her down at the first nasty comment? Because she was following his lead, that's why!

I would challenge him to show you the entire first conversation about your pregnancy. I bet he won't dare.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 14:03

I would challenge him to show you the entire first conversation about your pregnancy. I bet he won't dare

Funny feeling that chat history is going to somehow get deleted!

LadyEloise · 06/04/2020 14:06

Can you really see yourself with this man 3/4/5/10 years down the line, with more children and less chance to escape.
Personally I'd think that would be horrendous.
He hasn't got your back.
Your unborn baby deserves better.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/04/2020 14:08

This guy is not a keeper.

Simple as that.

He's a nasty shit and he has no respect for you.

OP this is your heads up.

If it were me I wouldn't be able to stick being in a relationship like this and at 8 weeks, I'd be thinking quite seriously whether I wanted to go through with this pregnancy (that HE wanted more?!)

It doesn't matter about ultimatums and all that shit. You've seen what he is like and what he thinks of you.

Your life partner needs to have your back.
They need to be the person you know you can trust.
They need to be the person you'd go to first.

You can't even share the personal stuff about your early pregnancy with this sniggering little shitbag because he will use it as a way to have a giggle with his nasty bitch of a (supposed) 'friend'

Don't stay with him.

Think about whether you really want to have a baby with him.

MushroomTree · 06/04/2020 14:12

He's got to go. He knows her comments are unacceptable and they've hurt you and yet he's still talking to her.

I wouldn't bother issuing an ultimatum. He's already chosen her over you.

Speak to your midwife this evening and tell her everything so that you have some support that isn't his family. And send him back to his family. They brought up this pathetic excuse for a man. He can be their problem now.

letsjog · 06/04/2020 14:12

Have you addressed the fact he disclosed that information to her in the first place? Not just the pregnancy but the medical issues and internal exam?

Have you told him how vile and disgusting that is and how he has completely violated your trust?

How betrayed and disgusted you are at what he has done all while you have been going through all this to carry his baby?

He clearly has no idea this is a potential deal breaker (and it should be) and thinks if he keeps brushing you off, burying his head in the sand and minimising it will go away.

Please don't let him get away with this.

rubberoftheband · 06/04/2020 14:12

Funny feeling that chat history is going to somehow get deleted!

I bet it's already gone...... he's a waste of space!

Onesipmore · 06/04/2020 14:17

I think you need to ask him why he disclosed your medical history to her in the first place and then tell him that it's unacceptable. Reiterate the fact that you find her laughing at you hurtful and that there is no way he should be continuing to chat to her. Sorry you are going through this Pumpkin.

Sauvignonismysaviour · 06/04/2020 14:20

And my guesses are that his next move is …

… changes passwords
… continues to message this cruel "work colleague"
… continues to belittle you.

I'm sorry OP, I truly do not mean to make you feel worse and I'm sure your head is running a hundred miles an hour. I just want you to take care of yourself and the baby. Make sure you rest, nap, eat well. Talk to your friends and family.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 14:26

@Sauvignonismysaviour I expect exactly that... it’s very sad really. Also feel like his family ganging up on me. Sister saying can’t I just move on now... and won’t give me her parents number so I could contact them

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 14:27

My dh is now avoiding me

I'd be glad of the break from having to be in company with such a shit if I were you.

Still not much acknowledgement that his judgement in telling a colleague he knows to be rude, crude, disrespectful and disgusting personal, sensitive, intimate details about you and your pregnancy on an ongoing basis eh?

Or of why he hasn't shit her down hard, like he should have.

Of why they're still in regular contact when they're not working?

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 14:29

*shut

Greenkit · 06/04/2020 14:30

tell him to move out, that should focus his mind

MushroomTree · 06/04/2020 14:31

His family are closing rank I'm afraid. Their loyalty will always lie with him.

I'd be getting your ducks in a row to go it alone once this is over. If you can throw him out before then, so much the better.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 14:31

Also feel like his family ganging up on me

Op when people's relatives abuse kids, their families cover up, minimise, defend and stick by them ... That's the sad reality of blood is thicker than water.

I'm sure his sister would like you to move on and stfu, as he would.

Not sure if she'd be moving on if her husband had done this to her though.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 14:34

@GilbertMarkham I know. I can only think he has feelings for her... why else would he not tell her to get lost? It’s just unbelievable really. This weekend I’ve been feeling so awful. All her comments about how I’m not tough enough etc and making pregnancy and birth literally sound like a shit show (instead of something miraculous) has made me doubt my ability to get through this. .. doesn’t he care that, some silly woman from work has made me feel this way?

OP posts:
lmcneil003 · 06/04/2020 14:35

Sister saying can’t I just move on now... and won’t give me her parents number so I could contact them

OP, that's poor from the sister.
I'd leave the parents out of it however.
This is between you and him.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 14:35

I wouldn't even bother trying to contact his parents.

I know you want people to know what he's done, but it also seems like you want validation/vindication/support to try to make him realise that he's wrong.

But it's up to.him to realise himself, and it looks like he won't. He hadn't got enough integrity.

Trying to get other people to say he's wrong snacks of not believing that your opinion is enough, is valid - and it is. Your opinion is the only one that really matters. You are right.

Don't let him or anyone else gas light you.

97% of the large number of people in this thread are disgusted.

Bug even if they weren't, you know. Of this was you doing it to him would it be right .. no.

If this was done to your friend would it be ok, no.

Sauvignonismysaviour · 06/04/2020 14:39

Please do not ever doubt your ability to thrive in this pregnancy, deliver your baby safely and above all, be a fantastic Mum. I can just tell you are already.

Do not let these 2 people drag you down to their gutter. I imagine you are going to find this really hard to come back from as your trust has been so shattered, rightly so.

Mix56 · 06/04/2020 14:42

What is your housing situation, ? is it joint owned ?

ohfourfoxache · 06/04/2020 14:45

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Personally I don’t think I’d be able to trust him again after this