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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/04/2020 12:57

I think you should stand up to him.
Woman up. Tell him that it looks pretty clear right now that he doesnt appreciate the gravity of the situation because hes acting so dismissively, but that YOU take this extremely seriously, and if you get one more whiff of him or her insulting, belittling, bitching about, or laughing at or about you, then the relationship is over, baby or no baby. You will be re-evaluating things once lockdown is over and right now things arent looking good, so you suggest he keeps his chats with this colleague professional unless he wants shit to hit the fan further

Flower1309 · 06/04/2020 13:00

Tell him after lockdown you'll be leaving or he will he will be. Fuck putting up with that. Completely ignore him in the meantime. He's a disgusting pig, he doesn't deserve you or the baby. He'd be better of with a fellow disgusting pig like her.

HotelBravo · 06/04/2020 13:01

Oh yeah, I'm sure that breastfeeding will bring them plenty of fodder for their chats! Leaky boobs, bleeding nipples! Heaven forbid you get an actual birth injury; they happen and can be incredibly embarrassing (fecal incontinence for one)
Nothing is sacred with this man. Your most vulnerable, intimate issues will be shared. And laughed at.

AprilFloundering · 06/04/2020 13:02

I would ask him to leave and go to his family because you have no where to go and you need time to think about whether or not you're gong to continue in this relationship.

Tell him it's not about his colleague; it's about him and only him. It's about him sharing personal medical information about you, and then lying about it. It's about mocking you with her. It's about him clearly agreeing with her slagging you off... he typed those words of agreement, not her. It's about him minimizing his behaviour. It's about him not giving a shit about your feelings, distress and stress ... and you're pregnant and feeling particularly vulnerable with all this going on. And he only cares about how he looks in this.

Write it down if you have to ... hand it to him or read it to him ... and tell him you need him to go. He can isolate in a room at his parent's house. Or get a hotel room. But you need to think.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 13:07

I would discuss this with the midwife. She will be a good barometer of how bad this behaviour is. Maybe she could explain to your husband how bad it is for you to be under unnecessary stress atm and how demeaning it is to mock your pain and discomfort? Also to flag that he is dismissing your distress at this situation.

CodenameVillanelle · 06/04/2020 13:07

I feel like things were going well until I saw this woman and his conversation

This doesn't make sense. You believed things were going well but in fact he was mocking and belittling you with some other woman behind your back. They were NOT going well for that reason. She hasn't caused this issue - he has.

MeridianB · 06/04/2020 13:08

Can you tell your midwife what he is doing and how it’s impacting you and ask her to speak to him?

I’m stunned that he would share such personal information and vile ‘humour’ with anyone, let alone a woman and work colleague.

He needs to decide where his loyalty lies and grow up. He’s being. A poor excuse for a human being right now.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 13:08

So he he doesn’t have to work with because he was furloughed last week...so if they’re messaging it’s not work related

OP posts:
florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 13:09

If you need to write it down first and hand it to her to read later do. This would indicate that he is intimidating you to a degree that is not normal or healthy.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:09

Tell him he has failed you, and as such you are going to get your 'ducks in a row' ...

I wouldn't be giving this c*nt a heads up about anything.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 13:10

Pumpkin108 Mon 06-Apr-20 13:08:42
So he he doesn’t have to work with because he was furloughed last week...so if they’re messaging it’s not work related

Oh. My. God.
This makes it even worse.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:16

I would discuss this with the midwife. She will be a good barometer of how bad this behaviour is.

Cause nearly 100% of 1100 people on Mumsnet isn't enough of a barameter.

Besides everyone's different a d the midwife could be the softly softly, diplomatic etc type and not validate op. Or she could be a 24 yr old girl who has little life & relationship experience who used stock phrases like mine was.

It should be reported however, to have it on record.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:16
  • barometer
crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 13:17

By the way, once I had sent him to live with family I would be very happy to message her saying “are you not a bit embarrassed that your spare time consists of emailing another woman’s husband about her body/pregnancy/stuff which is absolutely none of your business? I’d be mortified if someone else’s poo was something I was concerned about, but that’s just me 😂”

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:22

*I would be very happy to message her saying “are you not a bit embarrassed that your spare time consists of emailing another woman’s husband about her body/pregnancy/stuff"

I would be very happy to message her fiance showing him her messages chatting, laughing and degrading you with your husband - if an email address or Facebook account could be found for him.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 13:24

gilbertmarkham

The problem is her fiancé could be a nasty piece of shit like her and then everyone is laughing about Op being “sensitive”.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:30

Oh yeah, I'm sure that breastfeeding will bring them plenty of fodder for their chats! Leaky boobs, bleeding nipples! Heaven forbid you get an actual birth injury; they happen and can be incredibly embarrassing (fecal incontinence for one)

Yeah I had a caesarian and still had plenty of fodder for a disloyal, derogatory, inappropriate fkr like this to laugh about/say I'm weak about .... Caesarian wound that hit a bit infected, post birth trauma and insomnia, trying to establish Breast feeding and having to combi feed, balloon boobs when milk came in, big hacks on my nipples in early days of feeding, hormone changes and the three/four day weepy crash, trying not to succumb to PND, exhaustion etc etc etc.

But no doubt she'll be superior about all that too, having never done any of it.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:32

The problem is her fiancé could be a nasty piece of shit like her and then everyone is laughing about Op being “sensitive”.

I would put money on him, whether he's an equally horrible cunt or not (unlikely) ..
Not being all fine and dandy with the regularity, lack of necessity and relative intimacy of his fiancée's convos with another man.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 13:34

@GilbertMarkham

Yes, you are right about that. It’s all too “familiar” really. I can’t imagine sharing personal information about myDP and slagging himoff/laughing about him with another man unless there was a nefarious reason eg gunning for an affair

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:34

Noone with a brain looking at the nature of the conversation wouldn't think "she really wants to put down his wife and be pally with him, I wonder why?" with some very obvious conclusions.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:36

Sorry, cross posted there.

I just think - why bother telling her off, she's obviously a shameless, amoral cunt. Better to land her in some shit.

Buggedandconfused · 06/04/2020 13:38

OP, you need to tell him it’s now totally unacceptable for him to message her.

How you can live with this situation otherwise is beyond me. I’d have gone absolutely nuts & kicked the fucker out for a few days.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 13:39

But to reiterate ; the real problem is not her, it's op's husband.

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 13:40

My dh is now avoiding me because I wouldn’t go along with his acting like it never happened shit... sigh. He just thinks he’s done nothing wrong as usual bc she started spewing all that nonsense about laxatives and the like unprompted by him and because she didn’t say it to me personally. But he didn’t stop her... he laughed and called her a git... not exactly giving out the message that she’s totally wrong? I just dont know anymore. It’s a complete joke tbh and i feel so hurt and betrayed.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 13:41

I agree with you completely.