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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
Charley50 · 06/04/2020 12:17

Hi OP, it is honestly so much easier being on your own that with a wanker like this man.

Maybe start to imagine your life without him in it. Does it feel less stressful? Do you own or rent? Could you pay it yourself? Before you saw these messages was everything ok, or was he already dismissive when you wanted to discuss serious issues or your feelings about something?

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 12:23

Really had enough... so his sister called him because she was annoyed at him too (I didn’t hear the conversation) and apparently he does get that he’s upset me but says that she didn’t say it to me personally (as if that somehow makes it better???!!) and that all he said was I was pregnant... (no he also told her about my pain and scan etc) anyway I’ve just come downstairs and he’s acting like nothing’s happened, no fucking apology...

OP posts:
HotelBravo · 06/04/2020 12:24

Honestly OP, can you at least get away for a few days/weeks to process this away from him?

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 12:24

I can’t end anything now given the current climate. i have nowhere to go and I feel like things were going well until I saw this woman and his conversation

OP posts:
HotelBravo · 06/04/2020 12:24

Cross post. Can HE go anywhere?

Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 12:25

I can’t leave - like i said nowhere to go and I’m in a higher risk group because i take immunosuppressants so i should be taking as few risks as possible. I also have a private midwife coming round tomorrow eve

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 12:25

@HotelBravo only back to his family maybe...

OP posts:
Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 06/04/2020 12:25

I wouldn’t let this go if I were you. If he wants normality in his house he needs to never speak to this woman again. Ever.

HotelBravo · 06/04/2020 12:28

I think I'd be telling him he needs to go. Give him an ultimatum, go now and let me think, or stay and I start planning our divorce.

Motoko · 06/04/2020 12:28

OP, you need to leave this abusive relationship. He wanted a baby in order to trap you. His parents will stick up for him, regardless of whether they think he's in the wrong, or not, he is their son.

Please start making plans to leave. Call Women's Aid for advice.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 06/04/2020 12:30

She needs to fuck off

She's not the one who supposedly loves you.

She's not the one who's supposed to have your back at this stressful time.

She's not the one who is meant to be your best friend, your confidante, the person who you can trust most of all in the whole world.

The world is full of bitches. That's why we need our partners to be on our side.

Motoko · 06/04/2020 12:31

Ok, so you can't leave, but he can. If he won't, you can still end the relationship, and you can tell the midwife what's been going on.

Charley50 · 06/04/2020 12:33

Maybe think in terms of what could happen after Covid. He could leave to go to his family.

Just wanted to add that I get the feeling of giving up a little after the stress of fighting an alcoholic father. I had that in my teens and fought so hard against him, for so long, that in all other areas I was kind of a pushover. It also meant that all the lovely kind boyfriends I had, before the abusive one, seemed boring, because I was used to stress and conflict in relationships.

Bibijayne · 06/04/2020 12:34

I'd suggest he either blocks her and stops tlakjgn to her. Including on work chat (even if that means talking to his boss and HR himself about the situation). OR, he finds somewhere else to stay during lockdown.

CoraPirbright · 06/04/2020 12:38

Yup he needs to go back to his parents. He still isn’t getting it (or more likely totally gets it but won’t admit it).

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 12:39

You don't need to do anything at this time op.

Concentrate on looking after yourself staying well, and have a good think.ablut things - including how you would do things & manage if you separate.

categoricallycrackers · 06/04/2020 12:43

You can't leave but you can give him a very strong message that you are considering the whole relationship and that lockdown is creating a situation that means you can't make the choices you normally would. Then step back and take some time to yourself to consider your options. He is showing you that your feelings don't matter. By implication your children's feelings won't matter to him. This is a taste of your future with him. Maybe he can change, lots of people mature when they have kids, but doesn't seem like he's willing to given how he is responding to you now. Ask yourself is this the future you want.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 12:45

If he wants normality in his house he needs to never speak to this woman again. Ever.

He works with her, sounds like he has to.

However he can speak to her only about work related things. How you'd ever police that (or want to) I don't know.

Still won't change his underlying character though. Who wants to have to tell their partner to act like a decent human being and police them all the time.

categoricallycrackers · 06/04/2020 12:45

I didn't say it, but worth throwing in, you should ask him to leave first..he likely won't as he belittles how you feel, so he will think he can just ride over your request. Hey ho.

MissBax · 06/04/2020 12:46

I would really leave him, he's not shown any remorse or feeling genuinely bad he's upset you. Why and how could you stay with someone like that?

MissBax · 06/04/2020 12:48

I also think he probably has feelings for her to be honest. I don't understand why anyone would disregard their pregnant spouses feelings and continue messaging another female if there weren't feelings involved.

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 12:48

Enough is enough.

This is ENOUGH!!!!

He needs to go back to his family. You need some time alone to consider if you want to be with this person who has 0 qualms about ridiculing your VERY intimate business with a bitch work colleague. Really? Is that how you want to spend your life?

You can have this baby alone, and raise this baby alone. No question.

Please do not feel that, because you don’t have a family, you are alone. You do not need his family to validate that you are correct. We are all telling you that you are correct. All of us. You don’t know us but we are unbiased and his parents are not. Please believe us.

THIS IS NOT
OK.

Imagine if something were to happen with your baby? Eg my son lost a testicle. Would he share with her and they ridicule him too?!?

He’s a fucking waste of space. he can potentially still pull it back but he will need a HUGE kick up the arse to get there. Show him you are serious. This is the time, and it’s the only time. If he gets away with this now, that’s it for your relationship in the long run.

HotelBravo · 06/04/2020 12:48

I guess in lockdown you could take a proactive approach to this.
The "I'm not sure about the future of this marriage" one.

Tell him he has failed you, and as such you are going to get your 'ducks in a row' so that if things don't improve, after lockdown separating will be a smooth affair. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 12:53

He is showing you that your feelings don't matter. By implication your children's feelings won't matter to him.

Yeah his cunty work colleague shouldn't even know this baby exists - she shouldn't be inner circle, only close family and friends should be, but she does.

When there's a scare and necessary scan about this little baby's (embryo or whatever term you want to use) survival; she knows and she knows the mum found the scan sore & distressing, and he's agreeing with her that that's weak or whatever term was used.

When he's discussing the birth of this little baby, she's focusing on shit, on incontinence etc. and he's laughing along.

Such utter disrespect for the baby as well as the mother.

His focus should be on their health, survival, care - he should see the baby and mother as previous , instead he's going along with another woman demeaning and degrading both.

Absolute c*nt.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 12:54

*precious