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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:

rubberoftheband · 06/04/2020 09:51

Is he happy about the pregnancy and baby?

Branleuse · 06/04/2020 09:53

im not impressed with how he insults you to her, and then when you pull him up on it, he insults her to you.
What a two faced backstabber. He clearly likes playing women off against each other. He has no loyalty

BackseatCookers · 06/04/2020 09:55

I'm sick of her making me out to be pathetic... And my dh basically agreeing. She needs to fuck off

I'm saying this with love because I think you need to hear it and have validation for the hurt you're feeling. You wrote the above, but:

HE has made you out to be pathetic.

He hasn't basically agreed with her, he has LITERALLY agreed with her.

HE needs to fuck off.

And he's said for fucks sake at YOU about it? Bloody hell, I'm angry and I don't even know you!

You need to find your anger and see that this man is not a supportive partner, he is a coward and has a very nasty streak that is focused on you behind your back.

I'm so sorry but I don't think I would be able to see him the same way having read those messages.

Please don't be a doormat, is there a friend or family member you can speak to about this so you don't feel alone in it?

God he really is an absolute dick.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 09:57

@rubberoftheband yes he's really happy. He wanted a baby more than me. But I just feel so lost right now. I'm sitting here thinking do I want this baby with this man now... But I couldn't have an abortion, its not something I'd do and not fair on the baby. I just don't feel like I can trust him... I honestly expect him to message her today saying what I've said and how I'm being silly

OP posts:

rubberoftheband · 06/04/2020 10:00

@Pumpkin108 I can't understand him, I'm so sorry what on earth is he thinking off. You don't need to terminate, you don't want to and you don't have to.

I honestly don't know what to suggest, your last post is so sad. It would seem this is a much wanted and much loved baby, so his behaviour is ridiculous.

Try and keep calm, try and rest as you didn't sleep well last night.

Take care

StealthMama · 06/04/2020 10:00

It's bit just dismissive but between them they are belittling you. You poor sensitive soul - you could have been miscarrying.

This isn't over yet with dh. He may actually understand he's hurt you but not enough to apologise and change his behaviour with this woman.

Make him sit it out op, he needs to see that this will damage his marriage - he needs to choose what and who is most important. He shouldn't be discussing your welfare with her at all. Not at all. That's the deal. If he carries on then you know where you stand and have a tough decision to make.

I'm really sorry, it's outrageous and you deserve better. Sometimes men are a bit slow to get it but that excuse only goes so far 💐💐

Tiredmum100 · 06/04/2020 10:01

Why don't you show him this thread and he can see what a twat he's being. The woman sounds like a bitch, look how pathetic your wife is, look how gross she's going to be giving birth, blah blah blah. Look at me all so witty and attractive. Your oh should be standing up for you. My ex never stood up for me, enjoyed slagging me off to everyone. Thank fuck he's an ex. You deserve more respect. I am sorry you are going through this, when you should be enjoying and concentrating on your pregnancy. You need to have a long hard think about things. Will he go running off texting her when you want him to help and do his share of the childcare. A baby puts a strain on the best of relationships. He should be putting a stop to anything negative straight away. I got pissed off when my husband discussed we were thinking of having a 2nd child with a work colleague. She didn't think it was a good idea 🙄. I would be angry at his lack of respect for me thinking its ok to tell her the ins and outs of YOUR medical conditions. Seriously show him this thread. Give him a wake up call. I wouldn't text her. She'd probably love it and get a kick from it, she doesn't sound the nicest of people.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:08

Contact his work. Explain that this woman is insinuating herself into your home ( visiting dogs etc) and is sending abusive messages through a work email to a shared device. Ie on my iPad it’s linked to my phone etc so you re viewing her abusive messages. Your husband will look like a complete arse and they will have to investiagate her behaviour. I would leave your husband also.
I don’t agree that you shouldn’t include her in your reaction. Forward your screenshots to his HR department

PutThemInTheIronMaiden · 06/04/2020 10:09

For me, those things can never be unsaid. Those thoughts can never be unthought.

Greenkit · 06/04/2020 10:09

Keep the baby/don't keep the baby

But dump the man, he has no respect for you or your relationship

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:10

Also your husbands sister should give him a bollocking. I don’t understand why this has sent happened yet?

BananaPlant · 06/04/2020 10:11

Don’t show him this thread it won’t go positively. Plus he will use it against you, you’ve been talking to the whole world about this so what’s the difference? It’s not recommended, Mumsnet needs to be your safe place to talk.

Noodlenosefraggle · 06/04/2020 10:12

Have you asked him why hes breached you privacy? He is the one to blame.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:12

In the context of a Legal/Work situation this will look extremely obviously bad behaviour and bullying. She needs to be exposed in public. Everyone should know what she is doing.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 10:14

His sister who initially was sympathetic turned round yesterday and said it wasn't his fault... said he probably didn't know what to say... I swear they all just gang up against me. I'm thinking of sending the screenshots to his parents... Don't think they'll be too impressed

OP posts:

Noodlenosefraggle · 06/04/2020 10:16

Are you sure he hasn't gone to his sister and asked her to have a word to shut you up?

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:16

I’m sorry but I think it’s the only way that your husband will understand the gravity of what he is doing. He deserves to be held in contempt imo. If I was working with people like this I would want to know.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 10:17

Don't worry and stress yourself about abortion op, in the "worst" case scenario, you could be a single mum and have him have his access.

Millions have done it and that's not going to change.

Give yourself a time out to process all this. This is terrible, you should be happy and supported at this time above all others and instead you're seeing stuff like this, being dismissed and being pushed so far as to consider termination.

Hidingtonothing · 06/04/2020 10:18

I honestly expect him to message her today saying what I've said and how I'm being silly

I have to ask OP, why are you not telling him you will fucking well leave him if he tells her anymore private stuff about you? Why are you not raging and demanding to know wtf he thought he was doing telling her that stuff in the first place? None of that can be put down to 'just the way she is' or you being 'too sensitive' can it, that's all him and I'm baffled as to why you're not demanding an explanation, a huge apology and his absolute guarantee that he won't behave like this again

The dynamic seems very wrong in your relationship, he has done something shitty and you have a right to be angry and to expect him to take steps to rectify the situation, or at least apologise profusely for it but that doesn't seem to be what's happening at all. Sorry OP but I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship now

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 10:19

100% this.

He'll.just say we're all bitter man hating harridans - I believe that's the standard line from men when they find out MN opinions on their extremely shitty behaviour.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:20

I wouldn’t want to be part of this family set up. Red flags everywhere. His sister is a bitch as well. Get away from these people ASAP.

Is there anywhere you can go?

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 10:23

I really wouldn't do this.

It's her husband's behaviour that is the problem, not the woman's. He's happily, voluntarily communicating with her - given Ng her intensely personal info and not challenging he'd when she says offensive things, in fact agreeing with her.

She's not harassing him, and she hasn't harassed op because what she said wax not intended to be seen by op.

She wax invited to their house.

This problem is between op and her DH, it's actually nothing to do with the workplace really.

It will.jst cause op more stress and make people think/be able to say she's unstable/over the top etc.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:24

My sister stayed with her abusive husband for 4 Year’s and she turned into a different person. You have an opportunity to escape now. Take it.

florisandyoris · 06/04/2020 10:26

I think that if his work are aware of this behaviour on work emails they will consider it inappropriate. Yes it is bullying and harassment. Husband left the emails visible and they are abusive.

HotelBravo · 06/04/2020 10:28

You have become 'her', the odd one out, the outsider to be discussed by the 'in' group.....by your own husband!
I would start your exit plans tbh. You may not use it, but get it in place.

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