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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:

hesgotit · 06/04/2020 08:43

So @Celerysam what do you think the OP should do? He is minimising this, he's given out personal information about his wife, ridiculed her, and says "it's just the way she is". It's the way he is also, if I've got a "friend" who is like this I would no way be telling her anything, I wouldn't be her friend at all.

Why do you think the OP has taken all the events out of context.

He hasn't apologised, hasn't said he will stop the friendship, he's basically said it's a non issue, but for his wife it is a huge issue.

So what does she do now, just allow this to carry on? Worry the whole time about the "friendship" and be demeaned by the comments? Or just she have to accept this and forget it ever happened......which she just can't forget.

It's a dreadful way to be treated.

MehitabelWhurl · 06/04/2020 08:54

I’d be telling him that the very next time she mentions your name he is to say something like “Actually thinking about it and reading back through our messages we’ve been pretty shitty about Pumpkin. Anyone seeing them would think we were arseholes. I won’t be discussing her any more.”

Celerysam · 06/04/2020 08:59

What about marriage counselling to work through the issues?

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2020 09:02

You think a third party would change his attitude?

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:04

It's called truth and it gives you the ability to both See things in a way that isn't black/white, and the strength to not follow the hive mind/groupthink you often get here. smile

When a v large number of posters in thread find your "contribution" very flawed there is a possibility it's not "hive mind" ... But that what you are saying is flawed.

I can understand of course - how you would prefer to think that it is "hive mind".

(The same hive mind that causes most of us to debate and argue regularly on this forum of course).

CoraPirbright · 06/04/2020 09:07

rude, says it like it is and thinks she knows best... He says its her culture...

So why on earth is he on jolly, chatty messaging terms with such a person? Shows v poor judgement that he engages with such a foul bitch. And anyway, its utter rubbish - he does engage, as the laughing emojis show.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:09

I'm thinking of messaging her but don't know if that's a bad idea?

Op, I understand she is a horrible person who has seen fit to comment on you and your life .... But she is not the problem.

She's just some nasty bitch and could be anybody.

The problem is that your husband,who is aware of what she's like, had repeatedly told her personal, sensitive information about you and not shut her down very fast and hard when she was using it to say degrading things about you.

(It will also probably just give them something else to ridicule you behind your back about when the dust settles).

He is disloyal, inappropriate, disrespectful .... And in general the dynamic of your relationship seems to be skewed with power and manipulation disproportionately in his hands.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:16

People don't talk about others in a way that they know is not welcome or tolerated.

These comments are very unlikely to have come out of nowhere.

There is likely to be an ongoing background to them in which he has let this disrespect for his wife develop. You could see it with your own eyes when he responded to extremely degrading comments about his wife with amused emojis.

I don't think even a bitch like her suddenly launches into degrading comments about someone's wife's potential incontinence without having had lesser or similar stuff tolerated, received well in fact.

Your DH is the problem.

I would advise switching off thinking about her, taking a step back, and evaluating your entire relationship with this man.

hesgotit · 06/04/2020 09:20

What about marriage counselling to work through the issues?

He doesn't think he has any issues?

BackseatCookers · 06/04/2020 09:22

OP I think messaging her just makes this even more of an "us against them" where the "us" is DH and his mate, while the "them" is you alone.

If you send a message to her i guarantee when he next speaks to her she will mention it and he will apologise about you having sent it to her saying you overreacted etc.

You really think if he didn't have the backbone to stand up for you originally that he will now? He sounds pathetic!

FWIW I would feel exactly the same if he was having conversations like that with a male friend. I think the motivations would be different but the outcome the same - that your DH is simultaneously being a coward and a dickhead.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:23

*So he knows she's rude and talks a bunch of shit and he still chose to tell her private medical information about you? He had reasonable foresight, at his own admission, that by doing so he'd be making you vulnerable to her nastiness – and he did it anyway. Because he thinks it's funny.

He ridicules you with his little pal because he enjoys it. He's a 'pushover' with everyone else and a bully to you because he respects other people and doesn't respect you. He exerts control over you. He's not a life partner, he's a shit.*

This poster nailed it.

How could you have a decent relationship with someone like this. Not rocking the boat with ; at the end of the day - unimportant work colleagues is more important to him than the most basic respect for and decency towards his wife and mother of his child.

But it's not even "not rocking the boat" ; he's helped create the situation in which his work colleague feels it's appropriate to be degrading to his wife.

Seems like the type of person who cares about getting on with colleagues, friends, acquaintances etc outside the home while he treats his partner at home like shite.

Sunshineeeee · 06/04/2020 09:32

100% agree with @GilbertMarkham. Ridiculous behaviour. Your husband sounds like he puts you at the bottom of the list. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to give him a reality slap that he's lucky to have you or he can bugger off with his little friend.

You sound really soft and meek. Id have had it out immediately. Who cares about snooping?! If you have nothing to hide you won't care so much. If you're slagging off the mother of your child then you will care!

Side note: I had a home birth with other medical conditions. AND I did not need laxatives :). Don't let other people get you down. You're a walking miracle right now.

Scoobydoobywho · 06/04/2020 09:33

@Pumpkin108* is your dh as forthcoming with his own personal stuff or is it just yours?

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:38

If you send a message to her i guarantee when he next speaks to her she will mention it and he will apologise about you having sent it to her saying you overreacted etc.

Yup.

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:39

No doubt you pregnancy hormones will be blamed.

Funny thing is if I saw something like that, I'd be repeatedly slapping him around the head ... And I am most definitely not pregnant.

LuluNamechangeForHelp · 06/04/2020 09:42

The one question to ask him is why did he tell her you are 7 weeks pregnant?

Then why did he tell her about your medical condition?

Why did he tell her about the internal scan?

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 09:44

It gets worse...
So now seen they have been talking about me on their work chat thing as well as on messenger... He's obviously gone back and tried to look at what was said too but that's not where the worst messages are..
He also told her on his work chat when I had really severe cramps a few weeks ago (why I got the early scan) and she said 'I think she's just sensitive' and he said 'I agree' honestly I was in terrible pain to the point of passing out, I'm sick of her making me out to be pathetic... And my dh basically agreeing. She needs to fuck off

OP posts:

Cabinfever10 · 06/04/2020 09:45

@Pumpkin108
Sorry if I missed this but why was he telling her about your private medical information in the first place as she wouldn't have been able to be nasty about it if he hadn't given her the information/ammunition?

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:46

I wouldn't engage with her at all - it's not your job to stop your husband's work colleagues saying degrading things about you - it's his.

(Not that she would be saying them in the first place if he hadn't given her the string impression that they were welcome/ok).

lamppostdog · 06/04/2020 09:46

He needs to fuck off, he's your problem

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:47

She needs to fuck off

Still focusing on the wrong person.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 06/04/2020 09:47

I just said I was still upset because I said he dismissed me and he just said ffs and gone off...

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/04/2020 09:48

He has repeatedly told her about your extremely personal health and pregnancy issues .... Why?

Why does he think that's ok?

Why is he doing it?

On top of that he keeps agreeing with derogatory things she says about you after he's told her the extremely personal stuff.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 06/04/2020 09:49

He needs to fuck off too.

rubberoftheband · 06/04/2020 09:51

God he sounds fucking awful, I'm so sorry OP.

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