To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

He is engaging in this behaviour on a work email.
That means it is appropriate imo to flag it.

Also he needs his job to pay for this baby ; wouldnt want to endanger it in any way.

He is engaging in this behaviour on a work email.

Yes, but that points at his inappropriate behaviour and potential disciplinary (alongside his charming work-,mate of course) .. I don't know that him or them being dragged into disciplinary proceedings is ultimately going to benefit op.

Besides lots of companies are crap at this sort if thing and nothing really happens.

@Tiredmum100
Why don't you show him this thread and he can see what a twat he's being

No, No, NO! this will not work with this kind of man.

@Pumpkin108, he is treating you appallingly but you keep trying to deflect the blame.

Do you have any family of your own you can speak to? Stop engaging with his, they will always be on his side.

Stick with your own family and friends, not his.

How can this simultaneously be “not a work issue” and something that could get him sacked?

People need to know what nasty vindictive people they both are imo.
This is bullying, playground style.

I think trying to do that will just cause op stress at this time - she probably needs to just take a time out and evaluate everything.

Ive just seen she's already messaged him this morning with laughing emojis... Christ knows what that's about. I couldn't open it bc I was on his laptop and he has his phone so he'd know Id read it but just shows how they're talking all the time... Could be innocent but in my head I'm imagining him saying oh she had a go at me about your messages etc and her replying with the laughing emojis...

In response to some people's comments about why don't I just give him a piece of my mind... Probably because I spent the best part of 10 years as a teenager and young adult raging at my alcoholic father and got nowhere and to the point where I suffered a breakdown and probably caused my bowel disease... I just don't engage these days bc the stress kills me

@Nanny0gg I don't have any family - my mum is dead and my dad I don't get on with. Have no siblings. No aunts and uncles and no grandparents

*How can this simultaneously be “not a work issue” and something that could get him sacked?

People need to know what nasty vindictive people they both are imo.
This is bullying, playground style.*

What I meant was that the real issue is ops dh and his behaviour - not the work colleague's behaviour and the fact that it's been communicated on a "work" email.ir WhatsApp or something group.

I don't know if it could get him disciplined or sacked ... But if it did that's not going to benefit op and her child.

Unfortunately it is common for abusive husbands to "trap" their wives by persuading them to get pregnant, then the abuse increases.
Once the child arrives, the real abuse starts.
It is a classic text book trait of abuse.
Do you walk on egg shells, does he disapprove of your family & friends ?
Does he judge what you wear ?
you have said he has a tendency to bully, & he doesn't like to be wrong.
Today he has dismissed your hurt, & refuses to apologize & discuss further. But happy to discuss further with the 3rd party it seems.
Sorry this is all very upsetting for you.
But please look carefully at just who he is.

GilbertMarkham Mon 06-Apr-20 10:31:54
He is engaging in this behaviour on a work email.

Yes, but that points at his inappropriate behaviour and potential disciplinary (alongside his charming work-,mate of course) .. I don't know that him or them being dragged into disciplinary proceedings is ultimately going to benefit op.

Besides lots of companies are crap at this sort if thing and nothing really happens.

I think my point is that even if he keeps his job, his behaviour will become public and he won’t be able to justify it with his bs excuses. It will be humiliating for him and his work friend and impact their reputation no matter the outcome. A reality check.

His work colleague is a nasty cunt but she only knows about ops personal business because her husband is telling her, and has clearly co-contributed to a situation in which the work colleague feels comfortable using the info to say degrading things about his wife.

So it's not bullying of another work colleague and may not be seen as a work issue, I don't know.

crossed post.
sadly abusers also usually target women with low self esteem, damaged childhoods who are happy to please

The alternative is that she allows this situation to escalate unchecked which is potentially far more damaging imo. Once you are heavily pregnant on lockdown you have fewer options. All the while knowing that you are being mocked and humiliated by your partner?
And his family endorse it?

Seems like he chose you well, having no family to support you. Get out now.

Pumpkin108
Will your inlaws side with their son ?
Will you be let down by them too ?
You can do better than this awful man and his sidekick.
I think because your Mum has passed and you are not close to your Dad and have no family to help you that you set your bar low and are with this man who treats you like sh*t.
Many posters on Mumsnet have said that after leaving their abusive partners they went on to meet and often marry way nicer men. You can too.

even if he keeps his job, his behaviour will become public and he won’t be able to justify it with his bs excuses.

The company may not tell everyone, in fact mostly they don't.

Also do you really think these sort if people aren't shameless and always make excuses and minimise.

It will be that ops dh's hormone crazed, oversensitive, dramatic, emotional wife blew something out of all proportion etc.

If you need support contact Al Anon. They will be able to point you towards services for people in your situation.

Op what sort of work chat is this that they're communicating on? Are there other members or is it something they've just set up with the two of them for "work"?

It boggles the mind to think that other work colleagues could see they've been chatting about your early pregnancy, your cramps/scare, your intimate scan, your birth, your faecel continence, laxatives etc. With derogatory, critical remarks.

I take it it's just them?

I think his parents would be mortified. His sister now on my side...
So the work chat is a platform where you can have group chats/indivodual chats so pretty sure no other work colleagues would see it. However most of the very rude stuff was on Facebook...

Really sorry to hear all this OP.

The fact is he needs to understand that parenting is best done with a bind of trust and solidarity between the parents.

That a pregnant woman needs to know she can trust and rely on her partner.

You cannot do this while he is telling your personal information to a woman who laughs at you behind your back.

Tell him this s really serious and he needs to decide: can he be a partner and co parent, or can he not?

Tell him that you would rather parent alone than know that your whole pregnancy, birth and newborn / breastfeeding stage will be laughed at and botched at between him and her.

Put it in an e mail and give him a deadline by which to make a decision.

Abusive men often target vulnerable women on their own. For example, my F was emotionally and financially abusive and controlling towards my DM and sexually and physically abusive towards my DSis and me. But it was only when I read his letters and faxes towards my DM a few years ago that I understood that they were abusive; in my younger days, I just thought he really loved and needed her (because of his Parkinson's Disease). He was paranoid about her being unfaithful (oh the irony ). We put it down to his medication.

My DSis used to get into abusive relationships and her XDH was violent to her and very verbally abusive. I was engaged to be married to my now DH and she was warning me that first years of marriage were always turbulent like hers and I remember thinking, that I may not be married but there's something wrong there. Now she knows it, too, as she's married a really lovely man and is very happy with him and their DC as I'm am with my DH and our DDs.

I didn't get into abusive relationships, but I pushed anyone away if they got too close (I still do that sometimes).

OP, you can get away and develop a new life for yourself and your baby. It was a wonderful discovery for my DSis and me that life didn't have to be like that.

Is there any way you can “accidentally “ make all their conversations visible to all of their colleagues 👀👀👀

Don't tell his work.
If he loses his job, he won't get another one in this climate. He will be livid and you will be penniless. It's that how you want the early years of your baby? Poor, single and having issues with the father that will have access.

Think pragmatically, not emotionally. Let it lie. Have the baby. Then see how he is. Please think about your unborn.

As @Mix56 has written....text book abuser.

Poor OP, easy pickings for him.

OP, no man who genuinely loved his wife and genuinely wanted a baby with her would speak of her this way.

You don't seem to get that, but you will.

Reach out to people IRL for support.
Accumulate some money he doesn't know about.
Have an exit plan.

You are going to need it.

Clearly you are unable to deal with the reality of his awfulness but despite this YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF BY HAVING AN EXIT PLAN

I think you need to talk to him again. Tell him you are not happy about the messages. Ask him if he would be happy with you discussing him and his personal issues with another man? Go into detail with possible scenarios!

Tell him he's betrayed your trust by telling her these things about you and laughing at you behind your back - and it's bloody acceptable!!