To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

So he knows she's rude and talks a bunch of shit and he still chose to tell her private medical information about you? He had reasonable foresight, at his own admission, that by doing so he'd be making you vulnerable to her nastiness – and he did it anyway. Because he thinks it's funny.

He ridicules you with his little pal because he enjoys it. He's a 'pushover' with everyone else and a bully to you because he respects other people and doesn't respect you. He exerts control over you. He's not a life partner, he's a shit.

@lmcneil003 stop talking utter nonsense! The seventh post on that thread is not taking the piss out of her partners cock!

A pathetic attempt to try and prove a point?

OP your DH is also talking nonsense, he is effectively siding with the "friend", you've got to think about what you want, is it that you want him to stop the friendship? Only text about work? Or what. If he doesn't agree to it then you need to consider your relationship.

What drugs is lcmcneil on - and can I have some?

It's called truth and it gives you the ability to both See things in a way that isn't black/white, and the strength to not follow the hive mind/groupthink you often get here.

“On reflection, I am embarrassed about our conversation yesterday and should have had the balls to tell you that laughing about my wife in labour and the very private aspects of her body is totally unacceptable. If you want to continue conversing this way, it won’t be with me. I clearly shouldn’t have shared such an intimate piece of information as the pregnancy with you.”

He needs to send that, get back in his fucking box and she needs to get back in hers. And I wouldn’t give a shiny shit if she thought I had written for him!

So he's minimised it by blaming her and you've let it drop? You're in for a really tough time, good luck

What I'm troubled by is why he told her about your pregnancy. You are 8 weeks. He must have told her maybe a week or two ago? Why? Why should she know? Because I think it matters to their relationship. I think he is chasing her and she is laying the 'ugly wife' bait for him to pick up. You really need to confront him again and ask him to justify why he told this woman. I fear you are opening a can of worms...

Please, once you realise that he is a shit-head, focus on having a wonderful pregnancy and getting to know your bump. He is just the sperm donor from now on.

Morning all. Didn't sleep well.. Still feeling pretty hurt.. Don't think my dh understood how upset I am or that what she said is unacceptable even if that's the way she is... Just bc she's like that to everyone doesn't make it OK to be that vile. I'm thinking of messaging her but don't know if that's a bad idea?

That's not a cultural thing, that's a bitch thing. I wouldn't bother messaging her but if your 'D'H insists there's nothing to it then he should just reply 'OPs pregnancy is not up for discussion, she's fine' any time she says anything. If he can't do that then you've a bigger problem.

Leave the bastard!

He doesn’t respect you. Kick him to the curb. He can move out and stay with his good friends. If they are that close that is.

@Pumpkin108 I'm sorry you didn't sleep well, but not surprised.

This is ruining your pregnancy (if early pregnancy can be enjoyable 🤢), it has to be sorted.

Personally, I wouldn't message this woman, the problem lies with your DH. He has betrayed you, did you ask why he had even told this woman stuff about you?

He is totally minimising and down playing the seriousness of the situation.

I'm sorry but I think more lies behind this.

In respect of @lmcneil003 please no longer engage with her, she has a personality similar to the woman you're dealing with. I've advanced searched her and some of her posts are awful. So really don't get involved with her, it won't help your situation.

Good luck OP, but remember to make this pregnancy about you and your baby and don't have other people involved with it. Your DH now has to earn the right to have more involvement.

I live in an area FULL of Polish immigrants, many of whom are my friends and not a single one of them would speak like that. They are all incredibly respectful

^This in spades. I have a lovely Polish lady who comes here once a fortnight to clean for us. She does a wonderful job for me, and is very polite and respectful.

Her situation is similar to this colleague's, too, except that she and managed to go back to Poland with her fiancé to get married before the shit the fan with the CV, but hasn't been able to get back as yet. But I could never in a million years imagine her even asking personal questions.

So this 'friend' is just a bitch, pure and simple.

Is he going to stop messaging her outside of work and distance himself from her ?

If not weigh up your options

@Mittens030869

This in spades. I have a lovely Polish lady who comes here once a fortnight to clean for us. She does a wonderful job for me, and is very polite and respectful.

Just as an aside, is she still coming to you to clean?
We are paying our cleaner NOT to come (so we stay isolated), but the house is a state and I am tempted to get her in to clean (and we avoid her as much as possible).

@lmcneil003???? @Mittens030869 very clearly states that the cleaner is currently in Poland? So I doubt she's coming to clean, it might be a tad tricky

Hes taking the piss out of you

We are paying our cleaner NOT to come (so we stay isolated), but the house is a state and I am tempted to get her in to clean (and we avoid her as much as possible).

You've got to be on a wind up now @lmcneil003 - do you really think that having your cleaner come over is anywhere near a sensible idea when the rules about social distancing are so very, very clear?!

I thought you were being nasty before but your last post has me convinced you are also goady AF.

I am sure none of the women here have ever joked with a friend about their husband's cock size. Never.

What???? Seriously, who would do that?

@Pumpkin108

I know this is hard but the problem is your husband mot this woman. He's let her into your marriage.

Anyone who behaves like she has will take no notice and use it as more ammunition. And he won't defend you.

It's HIM that needs to sort it. Sadly, I don't think he will.

Confront him! There's no excuse for that type of behaviour. Yes you looked, because you were feeling insecure, and who can blame you when he allows people to talk about you in such an ignorant, unwarranted way. Hit the roof and let him know he has crossed a massive line by allowing someone to talk about you like this. If he doesn't grow a backbone, leave. (Or a least threaten to!)

@hesgotit Lol. I don't know whether she'll be back now, either. Following Brexit, she and her now DH might stay where they are.

All the people saying leave him and think about her options - she is pregnant. You don't just up and leave a child with seperated patents over one issue (unless it was something life changingly dreadful).

It really concerns me how disposable people view marriage/ relationships especially between parents. Is this why we have so many children with two homes?

I think he has behaved really badly and must apologise. I 100% see why you are upset. I also know that moat of us have made jokes about our partners to our friends at some point in time. Diesnt make it ok but see it in context.

@Celerysam I assume you've not read the full thread? I for one think that people living with abusive children are letting those children down. Children are better off living away from their partner if they are abusive and bring the children up in "two homes", rather than one unhappy one.

This was not a "joke", it's a series of betrayals of personal information, it's ridicule and the woman involved has not even got children so how is she an authority on child birth, home births?

If you would allow your partner to treat you like that, I feel very sorry for you.

What does deserve a woman leaving a partner? Does he have to physically beat her, mental abuse is just as bad.

*abusive partners not children!

Hey, you could message her, but in my opinion, she's not the problem, your DH is. He is the one that feeds her personal information about you then goes along with her like it's funny when she says degrading things. The main messaging should be to your husband, you can't trust him to interact with people 'like her' who are negative about you as he just goes along with what they say rather than have your back. I wouldn't message her, I would think about how to send a stronger message to my husband - he has fobbed you off.

I dont think any woman should stay with an abusive man. In fact I would judge anyone who didn't protect their child. I also don't think what he did is ok.

I also do think in some circumstances people are sometimes too quick to walk away when children aare involved.