To be upset with my husband and his friend

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

You're so young .
You could walk away from the marriage and the pregnancy if you want to .

She’s polish... but sure not alll polish women speak like that?? I feel like he dismissed me tbh

If that’s how he feels, he should be sending her a message saying “do you know what it’s NOT okay to be speaking about my wife this way, in future we will only correspond about work”

I’ve known plenty of polish women - absolutely NOTHING like that.

This is horrible. What a nasty woman, and your DH is behaving awfully too.

The only time I've heard penis size being mocked was when someone was slagging off an ex who had hurt them badly. Never ever someone in a relationship.

To a certain person (cough @lcmcneil) why are you trying so hard to support the idea that it is normal to be nasty when it is clearly not?
Is it because YOU'RE habitually nasty and want to convince yourself you're not a shit
or
Because someone is habitually nasty to you and you want to convince yourself it's normal and not abuse?

@Snowymascot yes that’s how I feel - he shouldn’t just be letting her get away with saying stuff like that

So if she is like that with everyone it makes it ok does it. No it doesn't , he could of told her to stop it and not replied with immature emojis. And defended you.
Glad you got it off your chest and it's out in the open .
But if it were me I'd message her and tell her to back off and I'd be telling my dh to never mention me In a conversation between them again or not even talk to her at all. And if he doesn't like it it's either me or her.
He shouldnt be discussing you with her at all I'd be telling him this aswell.
You probably haven't got the energy at the moment but keep an eye on what's going on. Hopefully he will stop all the messaging now.

Whatever her 'culture' ( and I live in a place with a large Polish community and work closely with a Polish woman- she has never made crude jokes about childbirth at work ) The issue is him revealing your private information to her and letting her carry on making inappropriate comments about you without shutting her down.

OP,
He's a bully.
Of course he dismissed you.
You expected it.
You were correct in how you expected to be treated.

It's called Gaslighting.
Educate yourself on what it is, and I'm sure it will ring bells with you.

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

He has shown you EXACTLY how disloyal and disrespectful of you he is.

At least you can't pretend you didn't know EXACTLY what you signed up for, going forward.

He is a deeply vulgar, disrespectful, little man.

You WILL realise this at some point, and no doubt be full of regrets.

Youwill recall this weekend, when you were shown EXACTLY who and what he was, but were unwilling to face it.

I hope at least you will take on board the reccomendation from posters, to reach out for as much support from friends and family, for the duration of the pregnancy and after the birth of your baby if you go ahead with it.

I have absolutely no doubt being married to the type of man your husband is, you will hugely need it.

This is a time when you should be loved and cherished by your husband.

Not a time to find him have a skit at your expense, about you and your medical information.

Good luck

I wonder if he realises that what he's done will have damaged your respect for him, even made you love him a little bit less? How exactly has it been left OP? Has there been an assurance that he won't share personal information about you again, an apology for doing so in the first place? Any acknowledgement that he was wrong to allow her to take the piss out of you or plans for how he'll make sure he doesn't allow it again? Those things are the least you should expect btw so it sounds like he's fallen well short of the mark, are you really sure that's good enough for you OP?

I knew he would try to shift the focus onto her. He’s no good. I fear that there are dark times ahead if you remain in this marriage.

Yes, he dismissed you.

I’m Polish and can assure you there’s nothing in this culture to behave like your partner and his so called friend.

I can’t imagine any of my male friends wanting to discuss their wife private medical records, especially connected to reproduction and if they did I would be like “wtf”

What your husband has done is unforgivable, he and his friend are throwing you under the bus disguising their nasty comments as jokes.

Hope you’re going to have long hard think about it. You and your baby should be your husband’s priority, looks like his loyalty lies elsewhere.

Please get some support in reality, and if you need a strong statement in Polish to send to this nasty cow, let me know.

Take care OP because if you don’t nobody will.

Wishing you luck 💐

Sorry this whole post sounds so upsetting Op, you deserve better. Your feelings are valid and if you don’t feel you can raise them with your husband, I genuinely fear for the future of your relationship. I hope you can find a way to move past this in a healthy way

he shouldn’t just be letting her get away with saying stuff like that

You shouldn't just be letting him get away with saying stuff like that and replying with emojis to such horrible things about you

The sharing of private information is the worst thing here. It's a massive betrayal. The friend sounds very unpleasant, but she should have just remained one of those annoying work colleagues that you just roll your eyes about.

As I said, I've shared very personal information about my childhood with my DH and I know I can trust him to respect my privacy and he can trust me. That's fundamental in any relationship.

I live in an area FULL of Polish immigrants, many of whom are my friends and not a single one of them would speak like that. They are all incredibly respectful

I don't think this is a polish thing,more if a Total Cunt thing.

The problem is that your husband is also a cunt.

He told her about your bowel disease - very private and sensitive.

He told her about your pregnancy, even though it's very early days and you were only telling people close to you.

He told her about your pain/discomfort at a internal scan - very very personal, private and sensitive.

In top of all that when she is making degradingcomments about you and the birth of your child, with the emphasis/context being on your disease alongside her assumptions about birth .. that you will need laxatives on order not to shit yourself during the birth, that you'll need to wear nappies acted the birth (from everything you've communicated I take this as referring to faecal incontinence, not the bleeding/shedding womb lining) ...

And instead of shutting them down he is laughing along. While she degrades his wife and the now mother of his unborn child, using this personal, sensitive information he told her.

He is a fkg bastard. You also sound under his thumb, it doesn't sound like an equal balance of power relationship.

This had made me do angry on your behalf that I'm fantasising about doing quite significant violence to her "d" h. I would end up in a police station for assault or worse of someone did this to me.

She is a horrible, horrible nasty cunt - but you have bigger problems than her.

I would seriously seriously reconsider your future with this man. This behaviour is not an indication that this is going to be a happy, supportive, loving, respectful, equal marriage for you.

I also think there's probably more shit on your backstory with this guy, from his you describe the dynamic of the relationship.

I would start thinking about how you'd manage separated and then divorced, start researching finances etc. Would you have much family help?

Btw I'm sorry to hear you have to cope with bowel disease, and many congratulations on your pregnancy.

You'll see that the pregnancy and the child matter so much more than the man ever could.

*from how you describe the dynamic of the relationship.

I really, really felt for you on reading your opening post. You are being so brave, and that was such a shitty thing to stumble upon. Really hope you're ok, and all the very best with your pregnancy

(Should add that I'm not suggesting you consider separating in the very near future, but in the longer term. This is a lot to process, and also the first year or two if a baby's life is very very demanding and your horrible bastard of a DH should be made to pull his weight ... Unless your relationship is as unequal in that regard as well and you end up doing everything anyway).

I knew he would try to shift the focus onto her. He’s no good. I fear that there are dark times ahead if you remain in this marriage.

I write a novel and someone else says it in two sentences.

What drugs is lcmcneil on - and can I have some?