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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:
AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 05/04/2020 20:00

Says it like it is? I do that. But I can do it without sounding like a cahnt.

I think he is placating you too but you know him best. I couldn’t look at him after that without feeling revulsion. He isn’t a good ‘un. He should have shot her down. He didn’t. He went along with it. That’s proper unforgivable. You are carrying his child. You deserve his adoration.

helgahelga · 05/04/2020 20:00

@Pumpkin108

Hey all so I confronted my husband.... he said he just went along with her because apparently that is how she is with everyone - rude, says it like it is and thinks she knows best...

He says its her culture...anyway he agreed it was rubbish and he ignores her...i guess I’m glad to get it off my chest but it’s been a pretty bad weekend. Thanks to all of you for supporting me.

Eh what do you mean he thinks she knows best and he ignores her?Ignores her when.

AND

He said it's 'her culture' to be rude.

What culture is this? Confused

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 20:00

anyway he agreed it was rubbish and he ignores her...

He didn't agree it was rubbish to her, he played along with it.

He didn't ignore her, he played along with it.

Ugh I'm sorry OP I feel sad he's made you feel shit when you're already understandably feeling vulnerable. Thanks

Mix56 · 05/04/2020 20:01

Crossed post.
Si why did he have these multiple texts, reply each time, emoticons?

TealWater · 05/04/2020 20:03

Oh god OP. Please tell me you don't buy that. Number one, he TOLD HER when you asked him not to tell anyone.
Number two, he told her your PRIVATE MEDICAL HISTORY.
Number three, not only does he not 'ignore her', but he is messaging her MANY TIMES A DAY. And, he posts tears of laughter emojis. To me, 'ignoring' her would be......not responding. No emojis, not continuing the discussions and adding more tears of laughter emojis. He is not 'ignoring' her, he is egging her on.
Four, making nasty statements about someone's wife is not part of ANY culture.
Lastly, that he is friends with a person who "that is how she is with everyone - rude, says it like it is and thinks she knows best". If he considers her a fit person to be friends with, it doesn't say anything about the 'company he keeps' - at least nothing good.

Leave and get away from him. His response to you full of lies and excuses is deeply insulting, it in fact, suggests he thinks you are stupid and a pushover. His response is as pitiful and insulting as the offence itself.

helgahelga · 05/04/2020 20:07

@SecretsInSpitalfield

And what does your DH mean when he’s blaming her ‘culture’ ?? I don’t know anyone’s ‘culture’ that approves of speaking about pregnant women like that?! Yes culture are all different but talking about a pregnant woman ‘sh*ing’ herself is just downright vile and disgusting. Potty mouthed cow went too far and your husband is a spineless blob for allowing her to speak like this.

Rant over.

Yep, this. ^ (LOL at spineless blob!)

@Pumpkin108 What culture is this 'friend' of your husband's?

Wildcat88 · 05/04/2020 20:12

How awful for you. I'd be so hurt by this! The fact that she referred to your medical condition as a "disease" says to me that they've been taking the mick out of you previously, so sorry op. Flowers

MissBax · 05/04/2020 20:13

Sorry but this is just so disrespectful. He has been laughing with a female colleague who is openly disrespecting his pregnant wife!! And you're just going to accept his response?! Please stand up for yourself, I'd make it clear he is to have nothing to do with her again and if you ever find out he does its over. Jesus woman come on!!!

funnylittlefloozie · 05/04/2020 20:15

Come on, name and shame this "culture".... i am dying to know.

Chiyo666 · 05/04/2020 20:19

Tbh his reply in your screenshot just looks like the kind of message I send people when I can’t be assed to talk to them.

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 20:24

Leave the OP alone. She now has peace around this issue. Stop the haranging. She has had enough drama for one weekend.

champagneandfromage50 · 05/04/2020 20:27

So is it your DH culture to share private information with a work colleague which includes private medical information? God he has done a number on you

rubberoftheband · 05/04/2020 20:34

@lmcneil003 you're having a fucking laugh? Oh it's all a misunderstanding everyone disrespects their partners cocks, when giving birth, their medical history, pain tolerance .... they don't...... get out of the either abusive relationship you are in or stop abusing your partner ....

Chinks123 · 05/04/2020 20:34

Aw Op I really do feel for you, but did you pull him up on sharing your personal information? The fact he told her about your internal examination and she laughed about it...why did he feel it was acceptable to tell her that?
she just sounds like an arse to be honest, and he sounds spineless and needs to stop telling her about you, and stick up for you.
Two dc here, didn’t shit myself either time but honestly you won’t even care. She’s trying to make herself sound attractive, the type of ‘woman’ who’ll message your dp to say she bets your fanny is ruined now so hopefully he finds you unattractive.

You’re having his baby, he needs to grow up, if you shit yourself you shit yourself there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You don’t need to take laxatives and you don’t need to worry about passing the placenta. Yes you’ll have to wear a giant surfboard/nappy pad after Smile It will be amazing though.

ElsieMc · 05/04/2020 20:43

lmcneil003 is a wind up merchant disrupting the thread and support and advice for the op by goading and making it all about her. Just ignore.

Op, sorry but your dh has sold you short in his response. You need more and you deserve better. Don't listen to one apologist on a supportive thread who has offered you no support at all.

mynameiswah · 05/04/2020 20:45

She's obviously a vicious bitch, but he's worse. He's just blatantly backstabbing you, his wife, who is carrying his baby. What a C*. Really sorry this happened to you. Take your baby and leave!

SandyY2K · 05/04/2020 20:48

I still think you need to have a support system in place that's not him. Find someone who has your back to support you in the pregnancy. Someone who you can confide in.

FWIW, I agree with your DH that she thinks she knows it all. She sounds like the kind of person ppl listen to and don't believe a word she says....but that's why he never should have told her anything.

Keep your cards close to your chest.

lmcneil003 · 05/04/2020 20:52

See 7th post on this thread. Woman joking about penis size

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3787445-To-ask-what-was-the-phwoar-factor-for-you

I am not winding anyone up deliberately. I thought the OP was taking something out of context. I was trying to make that point, maybe in a clumsy way. We are allowed differing opinions on MN.

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 20:59

@lmcneil003

It wasn't taken out of context though, the context was that some dickhead he's mates with said shitty things about OP to OP's husband and rather than disengaging or telling her not to be nasty, he replied with laughing emojis and kept talking to her about it all. And it's sensitive stuff that OP is already feeling vulnerable about.

It wasn't a misunderstanding at all.

Showing an example of other people behaving equally shittily on other threads doesn't at all affect how horrible and pathetic her DH has been not to stand up for her.

You seemed confident that most people speak like that about their partners body which is why you used it as an attempt to call people hypocrites. You were wrong, it's ok to be wrong and think "oh shit I thought everyone did that so maybe Im in the minority after all".

Unless his mate comes from Cuntville, it's not a culture issue it's a spiteful personality issue.

NotStayingIn · 05/04/2020 21:02

I think it’s a bit worrying that you just believe what hubby tells you, even though you’ve clearly seen the opposite with your own eyes. I don’t think being this compliant will do you any favours. You’re now telling him that not only can he view you like a joke and laugh about you with others, he can then also manipulate you into believe he is right and you were wrong. I hope you find the strength to start sticking up for yourself and push back a bit.

sallievp · 05/04/2020 21:04

Your partner is disgusting and as bad as this horrible woman.
Any normal partner would have shut down any kind of this conversation
What if after the baby is born they both say unkind spiteful things about your baby.
Put a stop to this!!! Stand up for yourself!

helgahelga · 05/04/2020 21:09

@lmcneil003

Re, your post at 20.52.

On the 7th post (on the thread you put a link to,) the woman is NOT laughing at, and mocking her man's penis!

She is actually complimenting it. And complimenting HIM.

If you are going to attempt to excuse/explain your hideous and ludicrous wind-up posts on here, at least come up with something that makes sense.

And yeah people are allowed different opinions, but you are a GF. A 100% solid-gold GF.

Mittens030869 · 05/04/2020 21:29

But she's never going to admit it, because she thinks that she's at liberty to share whatever she wants with her friends.

But that really isn't the case at all. The thought of a supposedly loving partner doing this is horrible. I've confided to my DH details about my childhood SA. I've been open about this with close friends as well. But the point is, it's my personal information and not anyone else's, and I know that my DH and friends would never betray me by telling a friend at work and allow them to take the piss about it. ** The OP's DH has betrayed her confidence in the worst possible way, and for me there would be no going back from it.

AprilFloundering · 05/04/2020 21:38

She had way too much personal information about you. she got it from your DH. He's not being honest about their 'relationship' whatever it is.

crispysausagerolls · 05/04/2020 21:42

Why did he tell her
About your pregnancy this early on in the first place?!?!