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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my husband and his friend

832 replies

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Hi everyone,

So I'm 8 weeks pregnant (first baby) and I've been doing OK though for me it's not that easy as I have an underlying health condition and the whole thing makes me feel quite anxious but I've been trying to stay really positive and telling myself I'll be ok. My dh has been pretty supportive. Anyway the other day, he was working from home and left his laptop open when he went to do something... I came in from garden and saw messages he'd been exchanging with a work colleague (and friend) who he's know about 1.5 years which basically entailed her being unpleasant about my pregnancy... One such comment was 'oh she'll need to take laxatives before the birth otherwise she'll shit herself' and my dh replied with the laughing laughing emoji...

There were other comments about how my body will be broken afterwards and I'll have to wear pregnancy nappies etc and how I shouldn't have a homebirth because of my 'disease'

Aibu to be hurt by this? To think it's none of her business and that she was rude and hurtful and my husband didn't really stand up for me either?

OP posts:

Trees2905 · 05/04/2020 16:02

OP I’m so sorry. Your DH is horrible and his friend sounds like a cow. Tear strips off him. Doesn’t matter if you shouldn’t have seen the messages. And for the record, none of those things happened for me and I’ve had 3 children, all vag births :)

cooldarkroom · 05/04/2020 16:04

You say you saw his messages to this appalling woman, he had left his laptop open. say you are appalled & repulsed by her, & disappointed by him. In no way is it acceptable to mock you behind your back.
It has caused you to seriously reconsider your marriage, if he feels entitled to be rude & fawn to this repulsive woman to laugh at you.
He may feel you are OTT, but its not him is it? who people are mocking. he knows about your weight, health, skin... he wasn't obliged to marry you, if it was joke worthy, clearly he should consider his alternatives as you are doing now.
IF he tries to turn this back on you, brush it off, don't be afraid or tearful.
you say, "No, Don't deflect", he has betrayed your confidence with some vague "friend". it not OK, it is not what you expect from a loyal, loving partner.
You need to face this, & speak now, it is not going to go away & it will harm your self confidence & your relationship (which IMHO is already compromised)

ChikiTIKI · 05/04/2020 16:06

He should be ashamed of himself

ReturnofSaturn · 05/04/2020 16:10

My god. You must have some self-restraint OP!
I would have confronted him the minute I saw the messages!

Malvinaa81 · 05/04/2020 16:12

I wish I could help in a practical way, but I can't.

I am sorry this unpleasant thing has happened, at a time when you deserve support.

Some times a nasty person can spread more harm than a good person can spread good.

So you have to be strong. I think in the end your unhappiness will just come out, and although snooping is wrong his lack of support for and defence of you is far more wrong.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/04/2020 16:14

I tell you one thing OP. My husband got a new respect for me once he saw me give birth. You are at your most vulnerable but at your most strong. It is such a mix of emotions. You should be excited together about this. It is such a special time.

maa1992 · 05/04/2020 16:14

I'd be gutted if my DH was talking about pregnancy behind my back like that. She sounds like a horrible immature witch

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 16:16

I suspect @lmcneil003 is the kind of person who says things like "I just speak my mind" / "I'm like marmite people either love me or hate me" etc. Snooze.

RoxanneMonke · 05/04/2020 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caffeinefix · 05/04/2020 16:17

She sounds awful. I know my DH would not be happy if someone said that to him about me. What an absolute witch

Jimmers · 05/04/2020 16:23

The comments are even worse given she knows about your condition. That gives you all the ‘context’ you need. She’s being a nasty bitch and your other half is allowing it.
Don’t let him deflect this. They are both being completely inappropriate at best, purposely downright nasty at worst.

SallyWD · 05/04/2020 16:24

She sounds like a very jealous and bitter woman. I can't believe any woman would say that unless she fancied your husband and was trying to paint you in an unfavourable light.

BelleSausage · 05/04/2020 16:28

If he turns this round on you then be prepared to end the relationship. Start thinking about your options.

He is more than complicit in this behaviour. The very first time he went along with her nasty bitching he betrayed you. He needs to make up for that.

It is one thing to moan about a partner to a friend. It is totally different to be laughing about their appearance or health. She is jealous and he has chosen to support her over you. He’s already shown you which relationship is more important to him.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2020 16:35

She has no understanding of the context.

The context was, her husband was having an inappropriate personal conversation about his wife with a colleague/friend.

And it shows he has absolutely no respect for her.

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2020 16:36

Just odd that he is telling anyone outside of agreed family when you are only 8 weeks pg.

tatasa · 05/04/2020 16:38

Are you sure they were discussing you. Had you already gone public with the pregnancy? It seems very odd to me he would be having a conversation about you to a female colleague and then leave the laptop unattended while you were around.

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 16:40

@Tistheseason17 yes but he’d justify this by saying i told my closest two friends (known for over 15 years) because i just wanted to share it with them... but it’s not really the same, him telling her.

I’m struggling to not have an outburst tbh, like it’s just really got to me. I almost want to message her and be like wtf are you doing

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkin108 · 05/04/2020 16:41

@tatasa yes 100% they were discussing me because at one point it referred to my name and who else would they be talking about...? No I have not gone public

OP posts:

TigerQueenie · 05/04/2020 16:41

@lmcneil003 you don't seem to get it.

There's a huge difference between making a joke of your own experiences, and a husband having a secret chat with in friend in which they mock his wife. There is no context in which that becomes acceptable.

OP I'm so sorry your husband and his friend are so vile. It absolutely does read as she's trying to make you appear unattractive for some reason.

I'm all for privacy, and independence. But no way would I allow that friendship to continue.

annacharles111 · 05/04/2020 16:50

First, congratulations on your pregnancy. Pregnancy is a rollercoaster journey and you are at the 'not really feeling very well at all' end (boy oh boy do I remember the morning sickness).

You're understandably hurt because you read the words. And I completely understand how sad you must feel.You understandably don't want to speak up and be accused of snooping (been there, done that, not fun!), but the fact remains that you did read the words. You now have this circumstance which can't be erased. So now you need to ask how you want to think about it?

Do you want to carry on playing it over in your mind, casting either or both party in the role of villain (and it certainly sounds as though they qualify!) or do you want to change how you think about it so you can feel better. And that needs to be your focus, I would suggest, feeling better. How about thinking 'A silly woman made some nasty comments and my DH went along with it because it was the easy thing to do, but he's been supportive otherwise." or "It's a shame she has to be spiteful, she must have a very narrow life." or "I know my DH would be very embarrassed if he knew I knew about these comments so I'm sure he didn't want to hurt me."

Just suggestions, but if you're not going to call him out on this you have to pick something to think that you can believe and move on. Think something that makes you feel empowered and positive. Think about your baby. In a few months' time these silly petty comments won't give you a moment's care.

I could say so much more, but for now take care and good luck.

AtAt123 · 05/04/2020 16:51

Message her and tell her she is being massively inappropriate and then immediately tell him he either apologises like his life depends on it it gets the hell out of the house on a permanent basis.

This is the point where you need to draw your line in the sand and either show him you will not be treated like this Or you let him walk all over you and set you and your kids up for a lifetime of being bullied and coming after everything else.

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2020 16:56

You are within your rights to be upset. Telling 2 long term , supportive close friends of yours is very different to him telling a work colleague who is mocking you.

cooldarkroom · 05/04/2020 16:56

I very much agree with the last paragraph

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2020 17:00

I’m struggling to not have an outburst tbh, like it’s just really got to me. I almost want to message her and be like wtf are you doing

Sorry OP, your problem is not with her, it's with your husband. She owes you nothing. He owes you everything.

feistymumma · 05/04/2020 17:00

That is awful OP. I would have called him out the minute I read those awful emails. Honestly what sort of husband does that?

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