Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

340 replies

Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 07:04

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

OP posts:
awesomeaircraft · 05/04/2020 09:22

YANBU. My wild and unfounded guesses are that either:

  • the new GF is your best friend,
  • or he painted you as a bunny boiler to justify moving so quickly with next GF and the reality of your normal self would blow the tale of woe,
  • or she is a celebrity
aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2020 09:23

no way in hell does an adult get unsupervised access to my DC without me at least meeting them

There's a weird mentality on here that unsupervised time with OPs kids is some kind of prize to be won, so this woman should naturally be happy to go through an interview process in order to "get" it. The reality is that when this woman "gets" unsupervised access to the children, she is doing their father a favour. It's incredibly cheeky to expect her to be also be willing to be interviewed and judged by their other parent, his ex, in order to be "allowed" to do this favour. She's not applying for a coveted babysitting role, she's helping out the person with PR that she knows.

If you don't want your ex to introduce the kids to someone you haven't met, then this can only be demanded (of him) through mediation or court, you can't demand the third party who owes you nothing and has no legal obligation to you do anything.

All of which is irrelevant of course given that OP STILL hasn't addressed the fact that we are in lockdown and not supposed to be meeting people(???)

hoxtonbabe · 05/04/2020 09:23

@Shortbreadaddict

Yeah now that’s a bit odd. I don’t see why you can’t take them to the house, this is dropping off the kids, not picking up weed from the dealer.

He didn’t respond because he knows he wouldn’t like it.

Now I know you say you get on ok, but I’m
Starting to wonder if he feels the same? You may feel you have an ok relationship but he might be thinking/feeling something else. It’s one thing not introducing partner but it’s kinda out there to say don’t come to my door Confused

Friendsofmine · 05/04/2020 09:23

I do see your point OP but I haven't met my step kids mother either and have no intention to. There is no benefit to me at all to have their mum check me out.

People saying they wouldn't be happy with this, I do get where you are coming from but unfortunately you have no legal recourse here.

Ponoka7 · 05/04/2020 09:24

"we literally live so close to each other it's ridiculous"

That might be part of the issue. They want to maintain boundaries. There house is of no concern to you, if they don't want you in it, or even in the path, that's upto them.

My DD blurred the boundaries with her ex and it caused nothing but problems.

Your households are separate, you don't have a place in each others homes, any longer.

You will be grateful of this if you move on.

My DD and her new BF did agree to meet her ex, but it caused sniping on her ex's part.

I met my ex's ex because his children were turning 18 and there would be joint family parties. We'd been together for five years at that point. Unless she is going to eventually go to school plays etc, meeting you can wait until further down the line.

She might not want to run the risk of you communicating with her, when he is the parent. She might have made it clear to him what her role for now would be.
That is her right and then it's up to him if he still wants to live with her.

But I'm also wondering if she's pregnant.

Lynda07 · 05/04/2020 09:24

It's not unreasonable for you to meet someone involved with your children. Most people would do so. I honestly don't know the legalities though.

Tell him straight you have a right to know her as you leave your children with her - what does he have to hide or is it that he doesn't want her to meet you?

Reginabambina · 05/04/2020 09:25

Weird. Either lock down paranoia, he girlfriend not wanting to meet you for sone reason (anxiety maybe or something) or he’s ashamed to introduce her (maybe he showed you a picture of someone more attractive? Are you very classist perhaps and she has a strong accent? Maybe she’s a bit socially awkward and he’s worried you’ll react badly?).

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/04/2020 09:26

I would want to meet her. I would want to know about her as well if she was basically spending long periods with my kids. I would afford him the same if roles were reversed.

And what if she didn't want to meet you? Or what if you met her and didn't like her? What difference would it make? Would you ask your ex to break up with her? Ask him to get her to move out and not be around the children anymore? Stop contact?

I absolutely get the "want" to meet someone, and often time it happens organically and life moves on. But asking or arranging to meet a partner does make it sound like setting up an interview. One where the new partner KNOWS they are going for the specific purposes of being sized up by the ex.

Anyway, OP, as said. He's been with her over a year, living with her over 6 months. You don't need to meet her this week or next. Just leave it. When life gets back to normal something might've arranged or might happen naturally. Stop asking. It's not going to happen right now.

onanothertrain · 05/04/2020 09:26

You can want to meet her all you like and I understand why you'd want to but she clearly doesn't want to meet you. She's not obliged to meet you and doesn't need to give a reason. So stop being so pushy about it, don't send any more PA texts. You can't meet her just now anyway and she might change her mind if you back off.

Reginabambina · 05/04/2020 09:27

@Friendsofmine hopefully your partner won’t have kids with you and then leave you in the same position. I’m not blaming you by the way but the exH has acted terribly here, I’m not divorced but I couldn’t imagine introducing a new boyfriend to my children before running them past their family first (including their father obviously).

daisypond · 05/04/2020 09:30

You absolutely need to know who is around your children, esp if they are v.young
You don’t need to at all. You might want to, but you don’t need to. Their father makes the decisions when they are with him. And you can’t make an unrelated adult do anything.

Mintjulia · 05/04/2020 09:31

I’ve been through this. The ex pushed for us all to meet up, then she decided she didn’t like me ( after 45 seconds) and started a campaign of nastiness that went on three years and ended with a police warning & a solicitor’s letter.
So I understand why she doesn’t want to go there. You are already being pushy & passive aggressive. You need to back off. You are not part of their home life or any part of her life. If she doesn’t want to meet, that is perfectly understandable. You are part of his past. Leave him to judge best for his kids in his time.

misskick · 05/04/2020 09:37

I think it's a bit odd that you have asked him twice on the spot to meet his girlfriend, and then see this as a issue being passive agressive messaging. How do you know she wasnt out both times. I have never knocked my ex partners door asking to meet his new partner, I trust his judgement and I think it's something that happens naturally during drop offs. You will eventually meet and say hi during drop offs rather than knocking twice and making a deal out of it as you havent got your own way. If you really want to be adult and actually arrange to meet her rather than knocking the door making requests.

MadameJosephine · 05/04/2020 09:40

While I can understand that you may want to meet her, you don’t have any right and even if you did meet her and didn’t approve it doesn’t matter. While your DC are in their father’s care it’s up to him to decide who they spend time with and you either trust him to keep them safe or you don’t. It’s really as simple as that

DD’s dad has been with his new partner for about 4-5 years and they got married last year with DD as a bridesmaid. I have never seen her or spoken to her but I trust her dad and DD loves her step-mum so that’s good enough for me.

Original poster
Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 09:41

I admit I probably shouldn't have sent that text, but all those saying ' she doesn't want to meet you' how do I know this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 09:43

I also think that's a natural way to meet when dropping the kids off, to say hi at the door.

OP posts:
Wereallsquare · 05/04/2020 09:44

OP, I agree with you. I think it is very odd that you have not been introduced to the woman who is spending time alone with your children, giving them baths, feeding them, and playing with them. I think it seems disrespectful and is sending a very strange message to your children. I wouldn't like it one bit.

Original poster
Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 09:46

I can't see this changing, he's always going to ask me to call him when I'm 'past the train station' and then he will come down and get the kids. So I don't think I'll 'naturally' meet her one day, because he's always going to want a call when I'm near his house

OP posts:
slashlover · 05/04/2020 09:46

To be fair, I don't think your first meeting with her should be when the kids are around.

BertieBotts · 05/04/2020 09:50

Lol. Nobody is saying they would be happy about it. Trying to co-parent with an obstructive ex is not likely to make anybody happy, believe me.

Being happy about something and accepting it because your children's other parent has equal responsibility for them in law are two totally unrelated things.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 09:54

I would just accept that you are not going to meet her, not for some time and perhaps never. She is nothing to do with you. She will be having some sort of relationship with your DC but not you. She is in your DC’s lives but not yours. That is fine. Your ex can keep them safe and looked after. That is enough.

RIBlue · 05/04/2020 09:57

Completely understand why you would want to and I was the girlfriend that the ex wanted to meet! Made complete sense to me and I said yes straight away. Of course it was an awkward, rather stilted meet and greet but it was fine and got it out the way. Now we smile and wave etc at pick-ups and drop-offs.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2020 09:58

@Wereallsquare how about how disrespectful it would be to demand someone who is kindly doing all those things for your children (who you have PR for so are perfectly qualified to make safeguarding choices for), meet and be scrutinised by another adult as well, in order to be deemed good enough to do those favours for you?

People get so hung up on the arrangements between them and their ex for the sake of their kids in these scenarios that they totally forget any potential partner would be an independent person who sets their own boundaries and makes their own decisions about what they are comfortable with. They don't have to do anything they don't want to do and they don't owe their partner's ex anything.

meonekton · 05/04/2020 09:58

It's sort of weird. I can see you want to meet her. But she doesn't.

What difference does it make if you pushed hard to meet(more like see)her, just saying hello from the distance? Only thing you will know is how she looks, you can't tell anything about her personality etc just from doing that.

Healthyandhappy · 05/04/2020 09:59

Bet shes pregnant and he dint wanna upset u? Either that it ask kids to find out her first and last name and find out on fb

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.