To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

[Shortbreadaddict]

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

Op i would say you do have a right to know who your kids are spending time with BUT you are coming across weird with how pushy you are being about it.

I don’t have her number no, there’s times where I’ve texted him and he says he’s not home, he’s gone out to sort something out and he’s left the kids with her. Stuff like that worries me a bit, no she’s not the OW. We split up late 2017, he met her February 2019. I haven’t done anything, we get on OK. We text during the week about the kids , send pics of the kids back and forth when they are with the other parent. Yeah we’ve argued a few times just coparenting stuff but that’s that. I haven’t said anything about or done anything to her, so no I haven’t behaved badly.

Does she actually exist? Maybe he made her up ....

I can understand why you want to meet, but you do not have that right.

What if you did meet and you didn't like her? Would you not send your children? Would you demand your ex not see her any more?

I was the "new woman" in this situation once. At that point I hadn't even met the child. My partner's ex wanted to meet and "chat over coffee". I calmly told my ex that there was no way I was being interviewed as that was what it was.

In the end I met her on his doorstep once. She was surprising him by dropping his daughter off two hours early in the morning. I was on my way to work. If it had been about the best interests of the child she would not have done this as obviously the little one then wondered who the hell was walking out of her dad's house in the morning! It was all about her. After she met me she turned quite unpleasant...

Like I said, I understand, but it's not something you can demand.

Just leave it. For now.
Now is definitely not the time to be pushing this.

Maybe in future you can address it again, but understand there is no obligation on her to meet you. And there is nothing that you can do about that.

Of course you want to meet her. I'm the least sociable person ever and even I would want to meet the new GF and would say Hi to the mother of children staying at my house. It's just rude not to. You don't have to get on, it even have a chat be mit it's just polite to be able to recognise the other person who is such a big part of the children's life.

There either isn't a new girlfriend or it will turn out you know her. What have the DC said about her?

I've read your updates OP. So you've seen a photo and know her name and she's not someone you know.

She's presumably visibly pregnant.

So this lady is good with your kids- you’ve no real concerns & you have a good co-parenting relationship. OP your desire to meet this woman does not trump the partners decision for privacy or her desire to keep you at arms length.

I would let this go & give everyone more time, I imagine they feel you’re forcing an issue, where they may wish for everything to happen a little more organically .

I would agree with them to be honest.

Totally agree, he's probably lied about you and doesn't want her to see how lovely you are..... but that's going on my experience with my ex. You absolutely need to know who is around your children, esp if they are v.young.. sorry i've only quickly read so missed if your kids ages are in there

She's presumably visibly pregnant.
No. Why would anyone assume that?

Maybe she feels like she shouldn't be meeting you while we are in lockdown?

I would have zero interest in meeting a partners ex so I’m on her side.

OP are you ever going to address the massive elephant in the room that is the fact that we are in lockdown and not supposed to be mixing households or meeting people?

It's doubly disturbing that not only do people expect her to meet you when summoned regardless of whether she wants to, but they also expect her to put her health at risk to do so.

Your ex is playing a very strange power game here.

I think they both are

You absolutely need to know who is around your children, esp if they are v.young

She does know who is around her children. I don't know what extra she'll garner from seeing the woman at a distance through the front door and saying hello.

Do you intend interviewing her, OP? Finding out her family background, employment history, where she went to school.

Meeting her on the doorstep isn't going to be any great benefit to safeguarding your children. Your ex also has responsibility to safeguard them.

I understand why the OP wants to meet, if nothing else just natural curiosity and in an ideal situation everyone would meet each other and get on.

That said, ( and I know OP is doing or saying this) it’s not a right that anyone gets to meet a new partner. If there are genuine safeguarding issues then you need to go down the proper channels, and have valid reason for stoping contact or whatever it may be, but it’s not a simple case of he has a new girlfriend I have a right to meet her end of, will a judge entertain Restrictions based on “cos I ain’t met her” thats simply not how the law works unless this was something that has been stipulated by the courts following a divorce or custody battle.

Personally, until my last relationship I would have been happy to meet the ex, but now I will happily keep my distance from all future partner Ex’s, besides only goodness knows what he has told her. They obviously have their reasons and unless the children come back complaining then I think you’re just going to have to let this go.

I agree that he shouldn't have a problem with you meeting her

Is she not a person herself? Are all her social engagements made based on what her partner does and doesn't have a problem with? Can she not decide whether she has a problem with doing something herself?

I suspect it's just as likely he doesn't want you to meet her, he's worried that she will realise a lot of the things he's said about you aren't true!
If someone is spending that much time with your children you should meet up, just a friendly hello, it doesn't mean you have to spend Xmas together! X

Exdh and I have always agreed we meet the other persons partner if they are going to be around the DC (I'm a little amazed at the casual disregard fron some posters in terms of adults having access to DC, I wouldn't mind but I generally consider myself to be a horribly lax mother by MN standards but no way in hell does an adult get unsupervised access to my DC without me at least meeting them)

However I agree with pp , really childish text I dont understand that behaviour, just say outright (after lockdown obviously you've let this go on a year so not urgent now) your gf soends unsupervised time with DC I need to at least meet her make it happen. I dont understand this dodging the answer malarkey, just outright say I would like a response and a plan please. Pushy is fine, passive aggressive is not.

I never thought this would be a problem considering how well we get on lol, yes my children are youngish 7, 6 and 3. I also asked him how he would feel if I had a boyfriend living with me and I asked him to meet me at COOP when dropping the kids off instead of coming to the door. He didn't respond we literally live so close to each other it's ridiculous

Sorry I meant to say OP ISN’T DOING OR SAYING THIS...

So those people saying why do you want to meet her? You’re coming across as weird etc etc wouldn’t give a shit who their kids were around?!
I would want to meet her. I would want to know about her as well if she was basically spending long periods with my kids. I would afford him the same if roles were reversed.

@Shortbreadaddict it is silly isn’t it, and the longer that passes by the bigger issue it will become!!!
You could easily walk past her in the street without realising it’s her?! And only notice when the kids say hi to her for instance. Weird.

My husbands ex was like this....we met about 6/7 months after they split up.
We’d lived together for 3 years before she actually agreed to met me. She used to make my husband walk out of our house to the bottom of the road to drop DSS off.

It’s understandable that you’d like to meet her. You sound like you’ve been quite polite about it (although are sounding a little bit pushy in later posts). But if they (ex and her) don’t want to meet you it’s up to them. There’s no obligation in your ex’s part to introduce everyone to you, just like there’s no rule or obligation that you have to introduce everyone to him. You’re both parents/guardians of these children by law and are both deemed responsible enough to decide who meets the children.

Why now? They've been together a year. Moved in.. 5 months or so ago.. obviously serious at that point. So since christmas at least? Why are you only just pushing now..