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Original poster

To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

340 replies

Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 07:04

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

OP posts:
daisypond · 05/04/2020 10:00

OP already knows her name and job and has seen her photo- because her ex has showed her and told her. There’s no great secret.

BillysMyBunny · 05/04/2020 10:01

Are you sure she doesn’t want to meet or have you coming to the house because the nation has gone into lockdown? It seems sensible to reduce the number of adults you’re coming into contact with and isn’t the right time to be meeting new people.

I would wait until the current situation of social-distancing has passed and only look at asking to meet her when it’s over.

Original poster
Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 10:03

I've already tried finding her on social media 😂

OP posts:
Thinkingabout1t · 05/04/2020 10:03

I agree, OP, he and gf are being unreasonable. Wanting to meet someone your children spend so much time with is natural.

Candyfloss99 · 05/04/2020 10:09

The sarcastic text you sent was really weird and passive agressive. If you always get on like that and he shows his gf the texts she probably doesn't ever want to meet you.

Oldraver · 05/04/2020 10:11

I was going to say maybe you already know her, but you said ypu had seen a picture of her.

Either she doesn't want to meet you or he doesn't. Quite probably he has told her you are the 'nutty ex' when meeting her would show this wasn't the case

helgahelga · 05/04/2020 10:12

@Shortbreadaddict You are quite entitled to meet your ex's new girlfriend, especially as your children will be spending time with her! It seems to me though, that it's your ex who doesn't want you to meet her.

However, I am somewhat confused about kids going back and forth right now, and you meeting your ex etc. Are you not on lockdown with the rest of us? Several people I know haven't seen their kids for 2 weeks, as they were with their ex (at the ex's house) when lockdown started. You can't keep switching them back and forth at the moment.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/04/2020 10:14

She will be having some sort of relationship with your DC but not you. She is in your DC’s lives but not yours.

This. And this can be very difficult for parents, maybe particularly mothers, to accept. Your are separated. Your children will have relationships with lots of people in their lives through their dad that you won’t know much about. Friends, neighbours, in laws if he ends up marrying this woman. Are you going to insist on meeting her parents, and siblings too? They may have new siblings, that you won’t ever need to meet. They will attend family meet ups with people you have never met. They might even be left in the company of these people without their dad present. That’s fine, and it doesn’t need to be run past you first or have your approval.

Your children are old enough to talk. If they think she’s nice and they are happy to go there, that should be your only concern.

I’m a stepmother who used to bath my stepdaughter and her cousin. I did it because her dad, and uncle to the cousin, didn’t want to be the one bathing them. I only ever did it to be a help. The girls were sent home on a Sunday washed and ready for school on Monday morning. I never had a conversation with stepdaughter’s Mam when she was a child. She decided she wanted nothing to do with me. We met last year at a funeral of a relative of my husband. And we spoke then, about the deceased. We both knew him pretty well, separately.

I have a lovely relationship with my stepdaughter who is now an adult. We regularly text each other and meet up (not right now obviously!). We have a relationship that her mother is no part of. But she doesn’t need to be part of it, and she doesn’t want to be part of it. Your children will have relationships that you are not a part of. You don’t get to approve those relationships.

Changedname78 · 05/04/2020 10:16

I know for a fact my ex does not want me meeting any partners.. because when they break up through all his doing he will then blame it on me ... I ‘tell stories on him’ 🙄 yeah ok so a year long relationship breaks up from a 5 min convo. But if I were a step mum myself and getting into a serious long term relationship I would definitely want to meet the mum of his kids, to start as we mean to go on, civil for the kids. It does seem a bit odd

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/04/2020 10:17

Quite probably he has told her you are the 'nutty ex' when meeting her would show this wasn't the case

Her weird text might make them think this is the case!

IdblowJonSnow · 05/04/2020 10:18

Helgahelga, so long as neither parent (in a separated family) have symptoms, kids are absolutely allowed to see both of them. This is one of the few exceptions that are being made.

OP I would want to meet her too. I would raise it calmly at some point with him, maybe not now though. I think it would be irresponsible of either parent to not want to meet new partner (if cohabiting). You need to know who your children are spending time with.

helgahelga · 05/04/2020 10:25

@IdblowJonSnow

Oh I didn't realise that. Thank you. Smile

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:28

I really hate some of the responses on threads like this. It just highlights how some mother's think they are the parent and Dad is inferior.

I totally get why OP wants to meet this woman but no she does not have a right to meet her and she does not have the right to stop contact just because she hasn't. These children are equally their fathers. He is responsible for them during his time with them and he is the one who decides who they meet and who is involved in their lives during this time. I'd say exactly the same if roles were reversed. You don't get to stop contact just because the other parent doesn't toe the line.

Just let it happen naturally OP. The likelihood is that one day you will meet this woman. It just comes across as pushy asking at the door to say hello and sending PA text messages. My DH didn't meet his kids step father for ages after he got with their mum, simply because it wasn't some fabricated meeting. He met him naturally when he dropped kids off and he happened to be coming down the stairs in front of the door and said hi and that was it. He deals with their mum, and he trusts their mum to make decisions as to who's around their children (and he knows he has no right to demand otherwise).

Just leave it alone and let it happen when it happens. The pushier you are the less likely she will even want to meet you.

pleasepleasepleasehelp · 05/04/2020 10:30

@Wereallsquare OP, I agree with you. I think it is very odd that you have not been introduced to the woman who is spending time alone with your children, giving them baths, feeding them, and playing with them. I think it seems disrespectful and is sending a very strange message to your children. I wouldn't like it one bit.

Absolutely this. ^ I think it's a bit odd that he is being so evasive, and I would absolutely ask why. You are their mother OP, and you have a RIGHT to know who is with your children, and you have a RIGHT to be nosey/inquisitive/worried/concerned! And ignore anyone telling you different.

Baboomtsk · 05/04/2020 10:31

I would just drop it op. I don't think she wants to meet you and others have given lots of good reasons why that might be the case.

It's perfectly natural to be curious but you don't have a veto over who their dad allows to spend time with them. You've tried to be a little pushy about it and it's gotten you nowhere. I'd just drop the subject and maybe at some point you will meet in the natural course of things.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:31

Either that it ask kids to find out her first and last name and find out on fb

Yes great idea, involve your kids in this game and end up looking bloody ridiculous when they come out with 'Mummy asked me to find out your first and last name so she can find you on Facebook' Hmm

daisypond · 05/04/2020 10:32

Especially as she already knows her name.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:33

OP, and you have a RIGHT to know who is with your children, and you have a RIGHT to be nosey/inquisitive/worried/concerned! And ignore anyone telling you different

But she doesn't... You are literally lying to the OP when you say this. She has no RIGHT to know anything about his girlfriend, she has no RIGHT to stop contact because she hasn't met her. She has no RIGHT to demand a meeting.

You can stomp your feet all you like but it still doesn't magic up any actual RIGHTS.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 10:34

You are their mother OP, and you have a RIGHT to know who is with your children, and you have a RIGHT to be nosey/inquisitive/worried/concerned! And ignore anyone telling you different.

You don’t have a right at all, not even if you write it in capitals.

Qgardens · 05/04/2020 10:35

It does seem weird.
Tell him that.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:36

And what exactly are you hoping to gain from saying hello at the door anyway? Your kids say they think she's great, they like her, you know her name, you've seen her face. What else are you actually thinking can be gained from saying hi at the door?

Or are you actually wanting to sit down and have a proper interrogation?

nicky7654 · 05/04/2020 10:39

You have every right to meet your exes partner. She is looking after your children so you should both have communication. The situation is ridiculous and makes me wonder what your ex is hiding!

WinterCat · 05/04/2020 10:40

I can understand you wanting to meet up but the more you post the more I can see why she is refusing as you sound quite obsessed by it.

She has every right to refuse to meet you, especially right now with everything else going on in the world. Your wants don’t trump her wants.

catpyjamas · 05/04/2020 10:43

I have two friends A and B who are in the same position. A has been divorced 5 years and has a 6 and 7 year old DD. B has been divorced 3 years and has a nearly 4 year old DD. All the children spent half their time with ex and ex's girlfriend who live with the ex's and have both been in the picture since about a year after the divorces. A and B have never met their ex's girlfriends. I do think it's strange the children spend so much time with these other women and my friends only know their name and occupation but there is no law saying they have to meet so there isn't much they can do. We often wonder if it's the exDH that don't want the two women to meet or if it's the girlfriends who do not want to meet the exDW? We may never know.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2020 10:44

And ignore anyone telling you different.

And I would say ignore anyone that answers this thread with whether "he" should be ok with it. It's nothing to do with whether he is ok with it, his partner is a person, the depersonalisation of her on this thread from people that think it's her partner and his ex's choice what she does is really disturbing.

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