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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

340 replies

Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 07:04

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 07:45

@triedandtestedteacher why didn't you want to meet her? I have no idea of knowing if it's her or him. Tbh I think he would just have said she doesn't want to meet you instead of avoiding the question if that was that case. But I don't know, I think I'll ask him again next week face to face if I can meet her and get to the bottom of this.

OP posts:
Riverviews · 05/04/2020 07:46

She doesn't want to meet you. I understand you are curious but since the children will be with their father, who has PR, you don't really have the right to demand meeting her.

As for the person asking if the children can move between houses, the answer is yes. The government allows for children with two homes to move in between

stripesareforlife · 05/04/2020 07:47

She obviously doesn't want to meet and you sound quite pushy tbh. Drop the subject and let it happen naturally if you end up meeting her.

CocoLoco87 · 05/04/2020 07:47

Maybe his girlfriend is someone you know and he feels awkward about that?

I agree you should get to meet her though.

ArriettyJones · 05/04/2020 07:50

You do realise some people don’t even get to know the address of their ex where contact takes place? (Crazy and - IMO - wrong though that is.)

What would be nice and civilised behaviour is completely different from what you’re legally entitled to. You cannot force them to comply.

Stop pushing or they will dig their heels in.

Sadiesnakes · 05/04/2020 07:54

Omg, some absolute weirdos on this forum🙄...

Of course Op has every right to meet someone who is in regular contact with her dc.. in actual fact, op would be called irresponsible and careless if she hadn't bothered to meet OW and something untoward happened.

There's no way I'd let my dc be in regular contact with an adult I'd not met.

PorpentinaScamander · 05/04/2020 07:55

I've only met my DCs step Mum because I bumped into her in Asda once. Said a quick hello. Cooed over the new baby. Haven't spoken to her since.

I was with my now ex DP(not dcs dad)for 2.5 years. He lived with me and DC. My ex (DCs dad) may have met him once or twice when he came to pick DC up. I can't remember.

I trust his judgement about who he lets into DCs life. He trusts mine. That doesnt make either of us bad parents or neglectful. There are many many reasons I could call him a shit parent. That isn't one of them!

Purpleorangegerberas · 05/04/2020 07:58

It’s weird of him not you. I met my ex’s ex because they both shared time with their dd. I thought it was the right thing to do and I really liked that we were friendly. A quick hi at the door isn’t going to hurt the woman and and actually if I was him and she wasn’t happy to do that knowing you have children together I’d be quite upset.

uhohimbad · 05/04/2020 08:03

I'm on the fence here. We don't know the background in the ops relationship with her ex.

My ex emotionally abused me, and when I met my now boyfriend and he was around our children he would demand to meet him all the time, he was obsessed, even waited outside my house once. Course he would tell everyone that I was a bitch not Letting him meet him because he was around the children. Well he is a manipulative narcissist who wasn't concerned about him being safe around the children he just wanted control.

I'm not saying this is what's happening with you op but maybe back off a bit. You will meet her eventually I'm sure. I do get it though that you are curious to meet her, but I personally wouldn't force it unless you have concerns for your children's well-being while with her.

Cheesepleas3 · 05/04/2020 08:04

omg, some absolute weirdos on this forum🙄...Of course Op has every right to meet someone who is in regular contact with her dc

You may morally think so, but in reality she doesn't have any rights. A PP have said, some people don't even know their ex's address! Neither are legal entitlements, for the mother or the father.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 08:07

There's no way I'd let my dc be in regular contact with an adult I'd not met.
But you don’t have any choice in the matter. It’s not up to you.

heartsonacake · 05/04/2020 08:07

YABU. You don’t need to meet to her.

And your text wasn’t jokey, it was passive aggressive and rude.

TKAAHUARTG · 05/04/2020 08:07

There's no way I'd let my dc be in regular contact with an adult I'd not met
Try that in court.

Jimdandy · 05/04/2020 08:12

I never get all this wanting to meet the new woman scenario.

It’s just control/nosiness dresses up as being in the interests of the child. Even if you were able to meet for coffee, I don’t see what difference it makes. They are going to be on their best behaviour and you would never gauge what they were really like. Even more so now, what does saying hello for 2 seconds achieve?!!

Plus it’s not your business what goes on when it’s the other parents contact time (save for obvious abuse/neglect) or who they meet. They are a parent as much as you are and they have just as much right as you do. It’s not for you to control.

Stampy84 · 05/04/2020 08:14

@Shortbreadaddict are you absolutely sure there’s even a girlfriend? Have the children spoken about her?

Lllot5 · 05/04/2020 08:18

Perhaps you already know her?

BertieBotts · 05/04/2020 08:21

She is probably someone you know!

Agreed it's a bit of a weird situation. Legally there's no reason that your ex has to introduce you. Just like they will come across and spend time with people you don't know when they start school, etc. In law he is their equal parent and just as capable as you at determining whether a person is trustworthy, independently of your input.

Do you introduce every new friend you might have a playdate with to your ex? In fact, as a SAHM I take my child(ren) to play at people's houses who DH has never actually met, and we are together! He's not met their swimming teachers, the people who run the German course I go to and the creche staff.

I do agree that a girlfriend who is spending a significant amount of time and is in a semi-parental role is different to these things, but in law there is no difference - it's his judgement that counts, yours is not needed.

Also in the current situation it probably is sensible to meet the minimum number of people face to face, even though you'll have indirect contact through the DC.

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/04/2020 08:22

because you have no right to meet her - it is none of your business . Leave them be. This is like my H's ex who turned up at our new home and expected to be let in . No this is "our" new home .

MondeoFan · 05/04/2020 08:22

Tbh I wouldn't be letting my children go somewhere where I hadn't met the latest GF I'm not sure why you are letting them go despite you never meeting her. If he was decent and honest he would have suggested it surely. I would not be happy about this at all op and would certainly not be making jokes about it

4amWitchingHour · 05/04/2020 08:26

When I was with my ex I wanted to meet the mother of his kids before I met his kids - it was my way of showing respect to her as their parent so she might feel more comfortable with me spending time with them. The kids come first, and part of that is protecting the co-parent relationship and not getting in the way of it (obvs within reason).

I think your ex and his gf are being immature about this, but your text was totally passive aggressive. Try and be the adult in the room, no-one else is being at the moment.

leiaskye · 05/04/2020 08:27

@cooroo

Children are permitted to visit the other parent. Also, you can still meet someone standing 2metres away.

I’m saying hello to many more people than I ever did before lockdown. Just when passing them (2 metres distance) in the street.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 08:27

I wouldn't be letting my children go somewhere where I hadn't met the latest GF
Eh? It’s not your decision, in the majority of cases. You can’t choose not to let your children go. They aren’t just your children, they are his as well.

LellyMcKelly · 05/04/2020 08:27

@FTMF30 No, she has no legal right to meet her. It would be ‘nice’ but the children’s father (or mother) is not required to introduce anyone to the children’s mother if he doesn’t want to.

Spied · 05/04/2020 08:30

How old are your DC? I was wondering if you'd asked them about her or if they'd mentioned her as my first thought was that this GF doesn't exist and it's something he said but now can't get out of.
My other thought was, if he does have a girlfriend, is that he is embarrassed of her and doesn't want you to see her so keeps you well away.

Sharkyfan · 05/04/2020 08:31

Do you know her name?
Can you look her up on social media?

Sounds like either your ex is hiding something like you know her, or she is much older/much younger or something. Or she doesn’t exist/they’ve split up
Or she feels very strongly about not meeting you.

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