To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

[Shortbreadaddict]

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

How old are the children and how long were you separated before he met his new GF

Or you could rock up one day unannounced with something the kids have ‘forgotten’ and hope she answers the door?

I can't believe people actually think they can stop contact because Dad has a new girlfriend . I mean, you could stop contact but you'd have to hope he doesn't take you to court. Because he would win.

My DC have met tons of adults (regularly) that I've never met. Their Grans new husband. Aunts boyfriend. Friends parents.

There's no way I'd let my dc be in regular contact with an adult I'd not met
Try that in court.

Where I live it absolutely would stand up in court.

It's actually called safe guarding your children... look it up.

Can you set up facetime or skype and contact your children while they are at your ex's? Maybe see the GF in the background...

If your children are old enough, can they tell you her name?

It's downright weird that you don't even know this woman's name. If your ex had to go out somewhere and was not contactable, or fell ill, leaving the children in her care, and one of the children had an accident or just wanted to talk to you, would she even know your phone number, or would you recognise her number if she had to call you?

You need to know her name and get her number at the very least, for the sake of safety and ensuring more than one adult can call you if needed.

You don't necessarily have to meet. But she knows your name and you should know hers. She is probably cooking for and doing laundry for your children.

Your ex is playing a very strange power game here. I would be inclined to insist on at least a name and a phone number so you could communicate if something knocked your ex out and communication was needed wrt the children.

At the moment you don't even know if it's a GF and not a BF that your ex is living with.

I'm quite surprised that so many have said you have the right (at least morally) to meet her. You don't. What would that achieve? What would happen if (based on physical appearance only) didn't approve?
If she isn't a nice person that's not going to become apparent with a quick hello is it? Do you insist on a DBS check?
If you meet someone he doesn't have the right to demand an inspection of your new partner either. Its quite controlling.
You have to trust him.

YANBU wanting to meet her.
YABU sending creepy texts.

Ask you Ex if you can meet her. If he says No, accept it and let it go.

So many comments saying people are weirdos for saying you don't have a "right" to meet her 😂

A) no you do not have a "right" to meet her. It's natural that you would want to, but she is a human being in her own right and you don't have a "right" to demand anything of her. The reason she is around your kids is that their dad has deemed her trustworthy. She doesn't need to be vetted by you, however much you might want to. I have been a step mum for years and have never met my partners ex, she hasn't asked but if she did I would say no, because (ewsflash), I don't want to and I don't need her approval.

B) Has it occurred to you that they are social distancing?? Are you in the UK? I feel like I've gone back in time a month reading this thread, they should not be going to the door just to say hello to somebody new, they are supposed to be in lockdown! You should be avoiding walking the kids if possible (is that your daily exercise?), you shouldn't be nosily trying to meet new people and (imo) the contact arrangement with the kids should be changing. How did you not automatically assume it was due to social distancing that he asked to meet you outside and didn't say much? Is that not obvious??

I understand my children will meet other people that I won't meet, but let's be honest. This is totally different. She is very hands on with my children which I'm very grateful for, and the kids love her. I have two DS and one DD, she has one DD from a previous relationship. Just last week eldest DS told me that ' daddy gave the boys a bath, and girlfriend gave the girls a bath' so of course I want to meet her.

I also want to say that it's not someone I know, despite our split ex is very honest person. He showed me a picture of her when they were first going out, he told me her name and what she does for a living. So this behaviour just baffles me. I'll see what happens next week.

Or you could just send a text apologising for being PA and explain that whilst you know you have no right to demand meetings, that if he's introducing someone to the DC you'd love to say a quick hello to her at some point. No drama, no nonsense, just an acknowledgement of something you'd like.

Ex and I agreed when we split that we wouldn't introduce partners until we knew it was serious and without the other parent's knowledge. It worked well - we're both now married to the only partners we ever introduced to DS1 and both of our partners get on well enough that we get together at birthdays and christmas to celebrate DS1. It doesn't need to be anything like that, but we both set out our stalls early on in terms of what we'd like and how we'd behave, and both of us have respected that and stuck to it. As a result DS1 has a great relationship with both sides of his family and there's no passive aggressive nonsense happening.

Ultimately he isn't obligated to introduce you, and quite obviously he or her does not wish to meet you.

Respect that.

It's hard and I get why you feel the need. But if this is something that you both have to agree on.

There's a difference between meeting her and checking her out. Getting to the door and hoping she'll be in the background saying hello is checking her out. That's just curiosity for your own purposes, there is nothing to gain from it.

It's aboslutely fair to want to meet her, but if so, suggest you do so in a planned way when the virus is over. It is her right to say she's not interested whatever her reasons.

Where I live it absolutely would stand up in court

Where is that then?

She's not living in your household so you shouldn't be mixing with her.

OP, have you only been pushing to meet her since lockdown? I would wait until this is over then try, she may not be comfortable meeting you at the door at the moment.

I'm also shocked at the number of people who would not meet the mother of their partner's children or think the op should be happy for her children to go to their house without knowing one of the people who is there.
OP I do think ex and gf are odd and think it is completely normal to want to know who your child is spending half of their time around!! You want to have an open line of communication with them and provide a healthy environment for your children - which is surely all of you at least being able to smile and say hello to each other rather than have a massive divide between 2 of the 3 main people.
It does scream of her insecurity but it might be driven by ex. I would have an open conversation with ex as pp have suggested and I think the text you sent was probably you trying to make things light rather than being passive aggressive. Good luck

Where I live it absolutely would stand up in court.
Where is that?
So, all separated parents, have both parents met every single adult their children come into regular contact with? Gymnastics, dance or piano teacher? Their friends’ parents or older siblings? I find that hard to believe.

No, you don't need to meet her and there is no legal requirement either.
Your ex is an adult and unless there are huge issues that you haven't mentioned, he is a responsible parent who is capable of making the right decision in safeguarding his children. Why would he not as their dad?

My barrister applied this rule when I questioned my ex leaving our DC's with his rather frail 80 year old mum; Whilst we were together, she always said that she didn't feel safe looking after them all together ad I was concerned my ex was putting pressure on her.
The barrister said my ex was quite capable of making a decision of whether the DC's were safe and advised me that these overnight stays with GM should continue.
The added advice was that I should prepare the DC's - for instance did they know how to use the phone, did they have an emergency contact for if GM ever had a fall or if anything happened where they felt unsafe.

Well either she doesn’t want to meet you, I’m guessing because of what he’s said about you.

Or he doesn’t want you two to meet.

Was she the OW? It’s not clear from your OP. If so, maybe she’s ashamed or embarrassed.

Some men tell their new Gf a load of lies about their ex, in order to get sympathy and look like the victim . Is this his style ?

Or have you in fact behaved badly in the past and she doenst want to meet you ?

Do not ask him again next week. You shouldn't be meeting anyone now. So what good is you at the front door and her standing in the hallway going to do. Do you just want to look at her? You're not going to find out much about her by looking at her.

And others are right, you might LIKE to meet her, but you have no right to demand she meets you. Your ex has responsibility for his children every second week. You trust him enough to be responsible for them for a full week every second week. He appears to be a responsible father who is capable of taking care of his children's needs.

You don't "have a right" to meet her. And she cannot be forced to meet you.

Stop with the "jokey" texts. Stop trying to force situations where you can see, not meet, her. If she is to be a regular part of their life you might meet her at some point. But now is definitely not the time.

I agree that he shouldn't have a problem with you meeting her. She is obviously involved with the children.

Could she be pregnant and he hasn't figured out how to tell you?

I've never met my husbands ex partner. I spend a lot of time with DSS.

She never does drop offs or pick ups. She did fb message me and ask to meet. She didn't suggest meeting halfway, said we could meet in the coffee shop opposite her flat. 40 mins away. It was more a summons than an invite. So I declined.

If she ever picks up DSS I'd happily meet her and invite her in. Until then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Where I live it absolutely would stand up in court.

You’re not in the UK then, Sadie.

@Shortbreadaddict just thought it would be awkward. Also from what I knew about her I didn't want to meet her. I could totally see why she wanted to meet me though although the children were teenagers at the time. We have met now and we don't get on which I knew we wouldn't

He probably doesn’t want you both talking because then you’ll discover a crossover and that he’s actually been seeing her longer than you thought and he may risk losing his gf because of it.