To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

[Shortbreadaddict]

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

This wouldn't be ok with me

Doesn't mean there's anything you can do about it though.

YOU think it’s amicable and polite.

Other people might not.

I don’t think it’s particularly polite to try to force a meeting against someone’s will.

*How comfortable would he feel if the situation were reversed on him?

I'm trying to imagine myself in your shoes, with a complete stranger - who i'm not allowed to meet - bathing my children and having all that family contact with....and i don't like the feeling.

What you're asking/wanting isn't unreasonable, or a big thing. It's a normal thing!*

I give up...it may happen by agreement - BUT IT ISN'T a RIGHT. For all sorts of reasons, each parent can choose to keep the 'ex' at a distance.

We have separate celebrations.

Would he really be happy about you leaving the kids with a new man that he has never met. If this is ok for him to do then it's also ok for you to do
Yep, perfect. You are correct. And even if it isn't ok with each parents, there is nothing that either parent can do about it. There is no legal right.

Would he really be happy about you leaving the kids with a new man that he has never met. If this is ok for him to do then it's also ok for you to do

Yes it is okay for OP to do. OPs ex would equally be able to do nothing if roles were reversed. I'd say exactly the same to any man in this situation. Your exes relationship is not your business. If they don't want to meet you, they don't have to. End of.

People are being so mean.
It’s mean to try and force a meeting with someone who doesn’t want to meet you.

Yes, Friendsofmine - we do too. Many years of the DC's having two birthday parties, two Christmas', two summer holidays - where one parent is not invited because the DC's are with the other parent and partner.
Not sure how we will manage their weddings though???

My husbands ex and I met and we spoke on the phone, not to be friends but just because its some times practical as their son stays with us and I am part of his life.
It's all very pleasant between us as any issues are kept between husband her.
There's nothing stopping sames from happening for op unless there is somthing to hide, whatever that something is though if the set up is long term it needs to be out in the open. Your all grown ups at the e d ove the day no one is expected to be friends just responsible child carers.

I'm trying to imagine myself in your shoes, with a complete stranger - who i'm not allowed to meet - bathing my children and having all that family contact with....and i don't like the feeling

But the ex's partner is not a stranger to the DC's dad or to the DC's. They live together, with the children for part of a week.

Just because she can't force it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with pushing the ex to have a conversation about it and trying to find a solution where everyone is happy for the sake of the children.

About the things like your dd having a bath with ex's partner, just tell them don't, because you feel uncomfortable. Or if there are anything that they do which you don't like, you can have discussion with your ex. But to agree to meet you is totally up to her.

There's nothing stopping sames from happening for op unless there is somthing to hide

Not necessarily. Not everyone thinks like you do. People are shy, people are awkward, people get anxious about things like this, people are private etc etc...

There's a whole list of reasons why someone might not want to meet their partners ex (or why the ex doesn't want them to meet their new partner), other than 'something to hide'.

And no I don't agree trying to meet someone is mean.

I would have insisted on meeting her first!

I would have insisted on meeting her first!

And if they say no? What do you think you can actually do about it? Nothing is the answer. You don't get to insist things about your exes private life.

We don't do separate birthday parties, DD turned 6 in November, had a small party at home and her dad came. DS is turning 4 next month, I might invite her and she can come with him and if she doesn't 🤷‍♀️

But anyway thank you all for your replies, I'll come back and update you guys if I do meet her 😂

I'm trying to imagine myself in your shoes, with a complete stranger - who i'm not allowed to meet - bathing my children and having all that family contact with....and i don't like the feeling.

Point is, she's not a complete stranger. The OP doesn't know her, but the children and their father know her pretty well. She lives with the father who it seems has 50% custody of his children. OP has reiterated l, multiple times, that she trusts her ex. They have a good relationship. The children are happy and like their dad's partner.

OP doesn't need to meet her.
She doesn't have a right to meet her.
She can't insist on meeting her,
And once again the country is on lockdown the OP should not be forcing anyone to meet up with her.

A "hi" on the doorstep will tell OP nothing that she doesn't already know. Anything more than that is currently prohibited. There is no point in pushing this. And there's certainly absolutely no point in pushing this right now, or next week, or for the next 3 months.

Yes but you wouldn’t have actually been able to “insist” at all @Redwinestillfine

Are you sure "SHE" is not a "HE"

Your all grown ups at the e d ove the day no one is expected to be friends just responsible child carers.

There have been quite a few comments saying things like this, that the partner needs to meet OP so that they can get on "as coparents" etc. I think that's inherently quite presumptuous - she is not coparenting with OP. She doesn't have to knuckle down and do things that make her uncomfortable, she has no responsibility to these kids, she can be as hands on or hands off as she decides. She has been with their dad for a year and helps him with them when they're around, she hasn't adopted them and the various responsibilities that go with that.

It's perfectly reasonable for her to not want a relationship with OP where they communicate directly about the kids and she is heavily involved, she may want to leave all that to their dad as they're his kids. That's not weird at all.

DS is turning 4 next month, I might invite her and she can come with him and if she doesn't

Why are YOU inviting her?? It’s up to him to decide if he wants to invite his girlfriend to his child’s party, just as it’s up to her to decide whether or not to go!

This is so frustrating!

just tell them don't

Again, you can't TELL your ex what to do when the children are with him / during his contact time.

You can try to have a conversation about it for sure. But no you can't tell, demand, insist etc... Because if he says no, there's nothing you can do.

DS is turning 4 next month, I might invite her and she can come with him and if she doesn't 🤷‍♀️

There's very little chance your son should be having a party in a month, OP.

@Shortbreadaddict probably neither of them will go to your party and they'll have their own. Maybe she'll invite you if you are lucky?