To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

[Shortbreadaddict]

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

Those saying they've never met the stepmum, what happens at the children's birthday parties? The father just shows up by himself? You don't invite his partner?

@Shortbreadaddict You’re really , really obsessing about this.
You can’t control birthday parties, Christmas etc , just make your plans , invite and people can either take it or leave it .
I really understand you want a relationship of some description but you are actually trying to exert control over a part of your children’s life that unfortunately you have no control over .
If you trust your ex, you have a good relationship and everyone is happy I just don’t understand why you would want to upset that as you literally have nothing to gain from a 9 second hello.
You should really let this go now or else it’s going to get bigger & bigger in your head and you’ll risk upsetting a happy balance you’ve struck.

You really are determined not to see it any other way, @Shortbreadaddict so I’m not sure why you started the thread!

Separate parties and celebrations are extremely common! Surely you know that?

The partner can decide whether she wants to go along with her partner if she wishes. He will know when and where the party is. If she comes along, that's a natural meeting between you. If she decides not to come along, that's also fine. Just because you invite her doesn't mean she has to attend at your summons.

Meeting her will probably happen naturally. Like you say when she accompanies her partner to something related to the children.

Just let this go, OP. It'll happen if/when it happens.

Many children have 2 birthday parties. One for each side of the family.

Simples. He doesn’t want you to meet him.

I'm not obsessing over it, I'm just curious to hear what people do on those occasions. Especially those saying it's been years and they've never met.

@Shortbreadaddict They celebrate separately . Surely that much is obvious . Or the dad & mum celebrate as co-parents together. What’s troubling about that? The children are happy, that’s the main goal right?

For whatever reason he or she doesn’t want a meeting. I understand your curiosity but you have no legal right and if you continue with your PA ways, you are only making the meeting less likely.

I get why you want to meet her but what is seeing her face and saying hello actually going to achieve? You're painting it that you want to meet her because she's left alone with your children but seeing her face and saying hi isn't going to tell you anything that would make you change your view of her is it?

She doesn't want to meet you FFS I've been with dp 5 years never met ss mother I don't want to and I'm sure she feels the same she's knows ss is perfectly looked after when he comes to us .

I think the fact that they can't control your children's life 100% drives some people to act irrationally.
The children are happy to spend time with ex's new partner. The mum doesn't need to inspect her before she approves she is worthy to look after her children. They are with their dad, who has same responsibility.
Forcing her to meet you when she doesn't want to for whatever reason, will strain the relationship.

Supposing the new partner doesn't want to meet the ex? Don't they have the right to decide who they meet, or do they sacrifice their right to choose who they meet when they enter into a relationship with someone who already has children?

She may just be a very private person.

@Shortbreadaddict so you didn’t think it was possible that maybe a step wouldn’t attend a party or that celebrations could be done separately?

You genuinely didn’t know that and had to ask? It’s shocking that that possibility didn’t occur to you.

@Shortbreadaddict you need to start living your life, your life is not intertwined with your exes anymore. You can have separate parties. He will probably have a party for the DC and not invite you. His new life has nothing to do with you anymore.

And tbh, your obsession freak me out, I wouldn't want to meet you if I was in her shoes. You say you have checked her out on social media, knows her profession, and her look. What can you achieve by saying hello from the doorway? Just too weird.

You are just stamping your feet now OP. You asked, you were told no. Let it go.

Tbf If I went out with someone who had small DC I'd expect when it got serious and I met their DC I'd meet the other parent too, unless they were irrational and violent I'd think it par of the course dating someone with young DC involved.

I don’t have her number no, there’s times where I’ve texted him and he says he’s not home, he’s gone out to sort something out and he’s left the kids with her

I think you're being far too laid back and 'reasonable' about his avoidance.
This wouldn't be ok with me.
Firstly, you only live 10 minutes apart - what happens if they decide to move further away at some point?
Second, she's not a casual gf, she's his live-in partner and also a caregiver to your children.
It's downright weird why you're being stonewalled from meeting her.
When will you meet? When she gets a call from the hospital/police cos somethings happened to him?

How comfortable would he feel if the situation were reversed on him?

I'm trying to imagine myself in your shoes, with a complete stranger - who i'm not allowed to meet - bathing my children and having all that family contact with....and i don't like the feeling.

What you're asking/wanting isn't unreasonable, or a big thing. It's a normal thing!

I'm just curious to hear what people do on those occasions

They have always had separate birthday parties so it's never been an issue personally however this is exactly the type of occasion where you would naturally meet isn't it? The child's father can decide whether to invite his partner or not (if it's a joint party) and the partner can decide whether to go or not at which point you would obviously meet her and have opportunity to say hello, maybe a bit of chat. There's no need to orchestrate a meeting prior to things like this imo.

When will you meet? When she gets a call from the hospital/police cos somethings happened to him?

What?!

do they sacrifice their right to choose who they meet when they enter into a relationship with someone who already has children? Yes I believe it does if the DC are young, it is best to be polite amicable if you're taking on a family in the relationship.

Emerald - yo can 'expect' but if the ex or ex's GF say no - you can't make it happen. There is no legal right.

@monkeymonkey2010 you sound like a control freak.

People are being so mean. I think you are reasonable and if everyone can get along nicely it is best for the kids.

Ask your ex if he has any requests for when you get a new partner. Would he really be happy about you leaving the kids with a new man that he has never met. If this is ok for him to do then it's also ok for you to do.