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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

340 replies

Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 07:04

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

OP posts:
wishfull888 · 05/04/2020 12:10

Realistically you are never going to 'know' this woman. You want to see her, make your judgement & ease your curiosity, that is the most a quick hello at the door is ever going to achieve. Trust your ex partner and leave them be.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 12:12

I still don't think you need to ask imo I don't see why you can't just let it happen naturally which would surely be much less awkward for everyone involved. But that's up to you of course.

Just whatever you do please don't go in all guns blazing, demanding a meeting/discussion, stopping contact, going on about apparent rights that you don't actually possess, like some posters here would have you do. You will only make yourself look stupid.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/04/2020 12:16

Why are you asking now, though? Why the urgency of getting this done next week
The country is on fucking lockdown. Have you missed that?!

You should not be trying to arrange to meet anyone other than handing the children over to their father.

Do not ask him next week to arrange for you to meet her. It's not his call to make. If she wants to meet you, she knows where you will be when this lockdown situation is over.

Shut up about it for now. It's not going to happen, for now. It shouldn't happen, for now.

July or August you can ask again, of maybe someday in between you'll get to say hello to her on the doorstep. He does not need to parade her out for your inspection. If you don't want her bathing them, tell him. He's the parent. Saying hello to her through the front door isn't going to provide any fantastic safeguarding insight.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2020 12:16

I absolutely would DEMAND to know why a person who is bathing my DC, putting them to bed, influencing them while he/she is with them, is not adult enough to agree to meet me as the children’s mother so I know who they are. Wouldn’t you?

It's entirely possible that she is being more of an adult than most of the people on here, and doesn't want to be meeting an extra person during a lockdown when we are not supposed to be seeing anyone from outside of our household for something as unnecessary as chit chat. Perhaps she simply has more important things on her mind right now, like, you know, the global pandemic.

yellowfishes · 05/04/2020 12:18

She definitely doesn't want to meet you. I wouldn't either, just sounds awkward and unnecessary.

Summersunandoranges · 05/04/2020 12:19

He doesn’t want you to meet her

He’s told her loads of shit about you and doesn’t ever want you two both together incase you start talking and it come out later down the line.

He’s also probably telling her you don’t want to meet her.

Chewbecca · 05/04/2020 12:20

I didn’t meet my DSC’s mum for years and years. DH did all the dealing with her. Was never brought up and never a problem, it kept things simple. We do interact occasionally now we are GPs, all very civilised.
I think you need to trust your ex’s judgement on appropriate relationships with your DC.

Original poster
Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 12:20

I just want to get it out of the way tbh, the awkwardness.

OP posts:
TheMagiciansMewTwo · 05/04/2020 12:21

I think you need to drop the jokes and just ask to meet her. You also need to make it clear that it's not because of anything she has done - they may be worried you're going to kick off about her bathing the DCs or something - that it's just because she is a big part of your DC's lives and it feels odd never to have spoken to her.

I'm surprised you've not run into her since she's lived within walking distance of you for the last 4-5 months.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 12:21

He does not need to parade her out for your inspection

This is what really makes me uncomfortable with some of the replies on here (not OP).

The PP who thinks they can demand a discussion with their ex about meeting their partner. So what comes of that then? You both agree between yourselves that you can meet her and then she is just unwillingingly paraded out onto the step for you because you've unilaterally decided between yourselves that she should? What happens if you both decide during that discussion that you'll meet her and then the girlfriend just says 'no'.

People don't seem to see her as an individual person that doesn't have to do as she's told, which is very worrying.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 12:23

I just want to get it out of the way tbh, the awkwardness

To be totally honest OP, I'd find that fact you were actively asking, sending texts etc... about it more awkward than just letting it happen when it happens.

So she comes out to greet you, knowing that you've been asking her partner to meet her again and again. I'd say that was pretty awkward and I wouldn't really know what to say in that situation as I'd feel like I was being evaluated.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 12:26

I just want to get it out of the way tbh, the awkwardness.
Just assume you are never going to meet her. No awkwardness.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/04/2020 12:27

I haven't rtft. I would definitely want to meet a new partner if my DC were staying there, I'd expect the same for DP if we broke up and I met someone.
It is odd you haven't met her.
You're being quiet forward to meet her as she is there 7 months now. I'd want to be introduced once the DC were mixing. I'd find it weird he won't allow it.

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 12:27

To be totally honest OP, I'd find that fact you were actively asking, sending texts etc... about it more awkward than just letting it happen when it happens.

This. Your comments about to him haven't been 'jokey' they've been really obviously passive aggressive.

I think you've made this more of an issue than anyone else in this situation!

Glad you're going to just talk to him about it openly instead of continuing to push it with pass agg comments.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/04/2020 12:28

I'd have a shit fit if a stranger was bathing my DC.

midnightstar66 · 05/04/2020 12:30

She could have social anxiety or be shy and not want to meet you.

He might have told her things about you that are untrue so she doesn't want to meet you based on that.

Possibly more likely he might have told her untrue things about you and he doesn't want her/you to find out.

The fact he's being so dismissive and vague about it would make me wonder as he could easily just say if there was a simple reason.

As a PP has said and as youve had no lick on social media are you sure she even exists? 😆

The 'jokey' messages won't help though

EmeraldShamrock · 05/04/2020 12:33

She may be a he.

OhCaptain · 05/04/2020 12:35

I just want to get it out of the way tbh, the awkwardness.

@Shortbreadaddict do you really not realise how incredibly weird you’ve made it though? You’ve insisted on dropping the children off, you’ve seen photos, you keep asking about it, and sending “jokey” texts which aren’t jokey at all.

If he came home and told me about your behaviour, I’d avoid you at all costs.

You sound controlling and a bit deranged.

People going on about safeguarding are full of shit, too. They have a parent safeguarding them.

Your vagina doesn’t make you a better candidate to safeguard them.

Call it what it is - nosiness about your ex’s gf. That’s fine. That’s understandable, even. But it’s not for any moral reason. You don’t believe your ex would endanger his children.

And STILL you want to ask again next week??? Leave the poor woman alone!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/04/2020 12:36

OP, you are the only one making this awkward. You are asking your ex to arrange a meeting (just mentioning the lockdown again, incase you've missed it) with another woman. An orchestrated meeting that all 3 of you will know is being set up to happen. Just to say "Hi" through the front door and have a gawk.

THAT'S awkward. Just let a meeting happen, naturally, whenever it happens.

If you don't trust your ex's judgement and his ability to keep your children safe then you need to get his access revoked immediately and contact social services about the risk he poses to your children.

If, as you say, you trust him. Let this go. It'll happen when it happens. For now you're making it all very awkward.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 05/04/2020 12:37

I agree it's natural to want to meet her, but I suggested similar in a thread by a male poster who wanted to meet his ex wife's new ish partner in similar circumstances, I was shot down and he was called controlling. I think an adult conversation and a proper arranged time to meet without the children is probably best rather than just turning up at her house though

daisypond · 05/04/2020 12:37

I'd find it weird he won't allow it.
He can do what he likes. The new girlfriend can do as she likes. You can find it weird if you like. But that changes nothing.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 12:40

I'd have a shit fit if a stranger was bathing my DC.
Then you could ask the ex that he bathes the DC. But he doesn’t have to agree if he deems it fine, and she is happy to. You have no say in it.

TellLucyILoveHer · 05/04/2020 12:41

I'm quite surprised by the replies too. Of course you aren't ENTITLED to meet her, but yes it's natural to want to, and yes it's obviously a bit strange for him to go to such lengths to avoid it.

For people talking about social distancing, if they're swapping 3 kids between the two houses then saying hi at the door is not gonna make any difference. They're already going to be sending their germs back and forth anyway.

FTMF30 · 05/04/2020 12:41

@daisypond Well it could work the other way round - why do their wants trump hers? And whether they like it or not, their household does (to a small extent) have something to do with her as it's where her children reside a significant amount of time.

@LittleMcJiggle the mysteriousness is simply not saying "I'd prefer if you two didn't meet right now because. . ."
It doesn't always boil down to the law and such. If you have children together, I'd assume you'd both want good levels of communication. It doesn't have to be about cold drop offs, not knowing the character of a woman who looks after your DC, etc.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 12:43

I think an adult conversation and a proper arranged time to meet without the children is probably best rather than just turning up at her house though

This just seems so put on and awkward though. Why do you need an arranged meeting without the children present? Confused

I've been in my step kids lives for years now, married a long time to DH and as I've said I get on with their mum well so there's no issue clouding my judgement in terms of dealing with a horrible ex or anything, she's perfectly pleasant.

We have never had an orchestrated meeting just the 3 of us without the children present. What possible need is there?

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