To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

[Shortbreadaddict]

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

Well it could work the other way round - why do their wants trump hers? And whether they like it or not, their household does (to a small extent) have something to do with her as it's where her children reside a significant amount of time.
Because it just doesn’t. It’s irrelevant to her where the children reside, if the father deems it appropriate. Unless there are safeguarding concerns. It doesn’t matter what anyone wants. You cannot force anyone to meet anyone, unless made to do so by law. Not meeting will always trump meeting someone. It’s a free country and all that.

Realistically a meeting on the doorstep isn't going to be 2 minutes. That would actually be quite a long conversation! It's more likely to be a 3 second "Hi", "Hi". And then ex saying "ok I'll drop the kids back Friday."

What anyone expects to get from that is beyond me.

I get on fine with my (now adult) step DD’s mother.

If she’d acted like this I’d have refused point blank to meet her.

And it wouldn’t matter what arrangement she and DH had made before me. It wouldn’t matter why she felt entitled to it.

I’m a person with autonomy over my own life and my own decisions. And if I didn’t want to meet the crazy woman who kept trying to catch me out at the front door, then I wouldn’t.

Why anyone thinks OP or her ex can control what this woman does is beyond me!

@daisypond "because it just doesn't". Aah ok. I hadn't considered that. Great point.

FTMF, it's only mysterious because OP keeps asking. Its very obvious that her ex isn't interested in them meeting right now. He does not have to explain himself. She knows who she is, she's just not physically met her. Her kids say she's great. What else is there?

not knowing the character of a woman who looks after your DC

You absolutely cannot judge the character of a person by saying hello at a doorway for 20 seconds.

She might not want to meet OP, she may have said this to her partner and he is just trying to accommodate that without dropping her in it to the OP.

Because let's be honest, it very much sounds like if he said 'because my girlfriend doesn't want to meet you yet' it would be 'why not? That's so unreasonable, she's spending time with my kids' and so forth.

She would certainly be slated to death by posters on here if it turned out to be the girlfriend just saying that she's not comfortable meeting yet. Maybe he's protecting her from that by just keeping a distance and not entertaining the conversation right now.

why do their wants trump hers?

It's not about wants. It's about rights isn't it? As everyone keeps going on about.

His girlfriend's right to not meet a person she doesn't want to does trump OPs want to meet her exes new partner.

The exes right to keep his relationship private does trump the OPs want to be nosey about it.

At the end of the day, you can't force people to do something they don't want to do. For whatever reason, they don't want to meet yet. So to keep pushing that is unreasonable imo.

I just wish people would read the thread...AAH is just goes round in circles otherwise.

Dad is the parent, dad is an adult, dad is has contact and joint parental responsibility for his own children.Dad is responsible for the safeguarding of his own children Dad is therefore capable in the eyes of the law, of deciding who his children have contact with. End of ( except if none of that is true - then the court would intervene).

Dad can be replaced with 'mum' - the same applies.

The 'other' parents doesn't get say. You have no rights in this.

I have explained 'upthread' what a barrister told me - trying to help. Why do people still wade in with 'you have every right to meet the GF' and no 'stranger is bathing my children'.
The GF isn't a stranger to the children or their dad, she lives with them and has a relationship with them - she is only a stranger to you - which really doesn't count!

Is a quick hello enough ? Your Ex might be worried that once you've got your foot in the door he won't be able to get rid of you. I wonder if he has nightmares about coming home to find you sitting on the sofa drinking coffee grinning at him insanely.....I watch too much tv.

because it just doesn't". Aah ok. I hadn't considered that. Great point.
As I went on to say, the want to meet someone does not trump someone else’s want not to. We each have autonomy, within the law. We cannot force anyone else to want something.

She doesn’t want to meet you. Or, it’s someone you know and he’s trying to keep it quiet

Don’t call him when you’re near his house

@JesmondDene has it spot on!

If the partner of your ex does not want to meet you her decision should be respected and she has every legal and moral right to say NO.
Cant believe people find it so difficult to understand..

I think it's good to meet as she will be around your children! Try not to push it but maybe make a suggestion you go to the park all together one day when lockdown is over x

To be honest I think you just have to trust your ex to make good choices in these situations. There is no obligation to meet someone and she clearly doesn’t want to so you need to just leave it. It will happen eventually.

why do their wants trump hers

Because no always trumps yes. Obviously. Can you not think of the implications of that not being the case?

My mum met my dads girlfriend 24 years later. When I got married and they met each other’s new partners at my wedding.

Yanbu to want to meet her.

She /He inbu to want to not meet you.

Saying hi at the door is not going to tell you anything about her (apart from what she looks like).

Whether you think OP should meet the GF or not, it’s bloody odd that’s the ex is expecting a txt to say she’s on way so he can run out the house to intercept her and kids, very odd.
Either he’s lied about who she is or she’s pregnant but his behaviour is nuts.

I think it's good to meet as she will be around your children!
How is that relevant?

@JKScot4 not at all odd given the climate, they probably don't want any extra person coming into the house and risking contaminating it.

Is it odd?

Any more odd that OP deciding to drop them off so she can have a nose at their doorstep?

It's not odd that he wants a text to know she's on her way if has history of overstepping boundaries.

not knowing the character of a woman who looks after your DC

Because a 2 min hello from a safe distance will tell you what exactly?

As I said up thread (or maybe it was on the other totally batshit thread I posted on earlier) I met my exs new DP when I bumped into them in Asda. From that 5 min chat I could tell you that she is physically a similar 'type' to me. Sounds like a typical person from our hometown, and her baby who was in his pram looked clean, happy and well fed. She seemed nice.

Ask me 7 years later what I think of her and it would be a very different story because of how my DC have been treated by her.
That 5 min meeting wasn't enough to tell me anything useful about her. And even if I had decided I 'didn't like her' based on it, it wouldn't have stood up in court if I stopped contact!

@EmeraldShamrock

This person isn’t a stranger though ... she’s been with her ex for a long time . They live together , their children like her.