Do I tell her about her teeth?

[MrsNoah2020]

My very dear friend (mid-40s) recently ended a relationship after 5 years and is back on the dating scene. She's pretty clued up about online dating, but having a lot of knock backs after initial meet ups and has asked me if there is something she could do differently.

My honest opinion is that fixing her teeth would make a huge difference. Her dental hygiene is fine, but her teeth are very crowded and uneven, and also pretty stained. I have to be honest, if she was a man I was thinking of dating, they would put me right off. But I don't know whether to tell her. Yes, she has asked me and yes, we have a close enough relationship that I would tell her if an item of clothing didn't suit her, if she asked for my opinion. But teeth are so much more personal, And, of course I don't know for sure what is putting men off. Maybe she has just been unlucky and met a load of twunts.

To be clear, I am not considering saying, "Your teeth are awful, and probably putting men off". We have another friend who has had hers whitened and it looks really good, so I was thinking of saying, "How about having your teeth whitened to increase your confidence, like Sarah has?" and then hope the dentist suggests straightening too.

My friend is a lovely person, I hate that something so superficial as teeth are important but the reality is that, when you are first meeting someone, they are something you notice. On the other hand, I am worried that, if I say anything, even very tactfully, she will feel gutted that people have been judging her teeth all these years.

AIBU to think I should try, very tactfully, to tell her?

Why are they so stained? Does she go to the dental hygienist?

How about getting some veneers in the front?

There are finance options available from some dentists. Is it a financial issue?

I agree. I don't think you can say this in any nice way. I don't like my teeth and if i asked my best friend what she thought was putting me off me and she said that (however nicely) I would feel awful. We all have things we hate about ourselves but for someone to point it out feels a lot worse.

She know about her teeth. She doesn't need you or anyone else to tell her. Most dental treatment is terrifyingly expensive in Britain. Online dating is a disaster for some. Help her to become involved in something she enjoys (in the future) which also helps her meet people

*knows

Please don't say anything if you value your friendship. She should not be judged by anyone and if she is being judged then the men she is seeing are not worth her time in any case. I am sure you are not perfect yourself and whilst something superficial such as the appearance of how teeth look might be important to you, it wont do her any favours to draw attention to something that she clearly has not issues with. If she was that bothered she would do something about it without any encouragement.

People talking about finance for getting teeth done haven't read the OPs posts in which she says her friend earns c80k.
Now I earn less than 18k and I saved up to get my teeth whitened. Ok they're not really crooked like OPs friend but being whiter definitely looks nicer.
I have colleagues who also earn much less than OPs friend who've had adult braces & tooth implants.

This lady is described as dressing well so she clearly invests time & money in her appearance, she is clever with a high income so I would guess she goes for men who are in a similar income bracket who look good.
However these kind of men have a huge choice of women.
These type of men like women to look good who can socialise at events with them. Shallow but sadly true. So if OPs friend is aiming for men at her level in life then she needs to up her game and look amazing.

Therefore OP should definitely say 'I'm thinking of getting MY teeth whitened' to her friend and see how the conversation goes naturally from there.
Definitely don't say what a school 'friend' said to me at 12 'oh you have really yellow teeth'!!!
Also don't discuss the crookedness of her teeth... hopefully once a conversation about teeth is opened up then she may mention it.

Once the lockdown is over you could also suggest that she goes out more socially to meet men rather than just online which IS very appearance based. Eg she could do gym, running club, circuits, hiit training.

"She should not be judged by anyone and if she is being judged then the men she is seeing are not worth her time in any case."

Sorry, but that is just silly. Physical attraction does come into it.

"I'm thinking of telling her to lose weight but just gently. I don't think she's noticed how fat she is because the weight has crept on gradually over the years."

I gave you an example of how that happened to me. It does happen.

Terralle I found your post incredibly shallow. Powerful confident women don’t need Hollywood teeth to score with men. Yes if your an airhead golddigger you have work really hard to bag a rich one. But if your already independent then that in itself is a hugely attractive quality.
It means that you want to be with someone not that you have to.i would hope that ops friend would not be looking for a manipulative bully but a loving companion.
I’m in my 50s and still get chatted up by men around my age much to my husbands amusement. But I doubt it’s my fading looks that attract them. More the confidence of age and the intelligence to know that true beauty really is quite deeply buried under the skin.
If ops friend has gone through life without having her teeth fixed then I think it’s probably not going to make much difference now.

Getting her teeth sorted now will save her a fortune when she’s older. Even if it is expensive now. I speak from experience. Even to get the stains off will avoid build up of plaque which eats into teeth and then into bones supporting teeth. Then bye bye teeth.

My teeth are, for want of a better word, unsightly. I know this, and have known it all my life. They’re healthy but discoloured; nothing to do with what I eat, drink or do. I certainly don’t need a friend to point it out, however kindly - unless they’re going to gift me however many thousands of pounds it would cost to get veneers.

Frankly, OP, I feel shit enough about them as it is. I don’t need their flaws pointing out to me.

And yes, I know the friend is a high earner, but veneers from a reputable practitioner cost a small fortune.

I think I'd want to be told. If they were genuinely bad enough that you feel it would put men off. To be honest a man with very bad stained teeth would absolutely be a turn off for me so I must be very shallow . 😳

The last time she was out looking for a partner, her teeth were probably an awful lot whiter than they are now.

Nobody needs one of those weird plasticky "Hollywood smiles" (well, in my opinion, anyway), but it sounds as though lightening up her teeth a bit could really freshen up her appearance and look much more attractive.

Whiter teeth look cleaner, healthier, and (because teeth generally discolour with age) younger. The colour of your teeth affects how people see you - even if only subconsciously. Of course this is only a superficial impression. But if I was out looking for a partner, I'd want that superficial impression to be working for me, rather than against me.

If she wanted your opinion on her teeth, I imagine she would ask you

I guess you missed the part where yes, the friend SPECIFICALLY ASKED if there was anything about her including her appearance that might put men off and explain why she keeps getting dumped after the first date? She ASKED the op!!!

I’m guessing some people in this thread can’t read very well

Oh, and it certainly does not make someone shallow or vacuous for not finding yellow stained teeth attractive! Geez. This place sometimes....

Whiter teeth look cleaner, healthier, and (because teeth generally discolour with age) younger.

I dunno, I think unnaturally white teeth look silly and can be ageing.

There's a thin line between healthy-looking white teeth and ridiculous.

I saw a snippet of the 'Sam and Billie' vacuous nonsense the other day and their mum has had her teeth done. They are off the scale white and look like joke horse's dentures.

dental treatment is expensive and you don't know her financial situation. She may well want to change them but can't afford it.

OP said she earns 80k a year, no other responsibilities and has the money so it’s not that.

SerenDippitty Not UNNATURALLY white teeth... just whitER teeth. Realistically white teeth. Whiter than the noticeably discoloured teeth which she has at the moment.

Like I said, I don't think anyone needs a plasticky Hollywood Smile. But that's a different thing from lightening your teeth back to a natural-looking whiter shade.

A good dentist should discourage you from trying to get your teeth to look like a Daz advert. Mine did (not that I needed him to!). Making yourself look unnatural can obviously look ridiculous.

As if she doesn’t already know what her own teeth look like. Maybe it’s not an affordable option. If she hasn’t mentioned it, you definitely shouldn’t.

People can be oblivious about staining. I occasionally catch mine when I’m due a scale and polish and realise they must have been manky for weeks. Because I clean and floss well and have no bleeding, and so they feel clean and healthy, I tend not to look at them. I have also met people who are otherwise well turned out who have filthy-looking but probably healthy teeth.

I think another blind spot for a lot of people can be hair. I know quite a few people who permanently have an inch of grey roots with the rest of the hair almost jet black. I will be joining them when I have enough grey. It’s another minor thing that you barely see yourself but is the first thing that someone meeting you would notice.

I would say something. Straightening would be pricey but regular scale and polish and, if needed, an entry-level cosmetic whitening could make the world of difference.

Don’t tell her about her teeth. She is a grown up. If she is as clued up about dating as you claim she is, she will know that having bad teeth will put most men off. If she chooses to ignore this fact, then she will be dumped by many men.