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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take kids to visit my mum on her birthday (from afar)

201 replies

Beingyellow · 04/04/2020 16:02

Ok I will probably get flamed but I'll put it out there anyway. I am all for following rules but also think common sense needs to prevail sometimes. So here's my scenario....

I have been going shopping for my mum. She is on her own now, less than a year since my dad died. She's in her 60s and it makes sense for me to shop and drop stuff off for her rather than us both shopping seperately during this period. I usually just put it on her doorstep, ring the bell and walk to my car and we shout across to each other to say hello etc. Only been twice so far as I shop once a week.

It's her birthday next week, so I planned to do the same as above but take the family with me when I drop it off (along with her present). We would all stand way back and not go near her.

Is this really that bad? I would have to come back and pick up family but its on the way to my mums anyway. My kids are old enough not to run over and hug etc...they understand (7, 9 and 11)

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 05/04/2020 02:28

6,000 people die in household accidents every year in the UK and over 2.7 million visit a &e. obviously nobody should be using their car for fear of having an accident that you need an ambulance for. I wonder how much the amount of people dying in house/ garden accident will go up by plus in surely you won’t be able aloud to call for help either

jessyjo2 · 05/04/2020 02:35

I would have no problem. I dont see who you would be putting at risk. As long as u all keeping ur distance when there. Grandchildren will make her day.

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 05/04/2020 03:05

@Beingyellow You’re totally ignoring all of the legitimate points people have, calling them crazy. You just want people to agree with you. If everyone was as selfish as you are being then everyone would be on the road going to say happy birthday to someone, I know someone’s said it before but it clearly hasn’t gone through! To even do this you’d have to be waving through the glass window, which is just about as worthwhile as a Skype call so why risk it? Some of the comments on this thread are awful, people really don’t understand how bad this virus is. Bearing in mind a few weeks ago it was only a few cases and schools were kept open, now we’re in total lockdown. This is a serious situation and it’s only going to get worse. Stay home means stay home not stay home ‘but.’ You’re not special or an exception to the rule. Plenty of people including young children are having ruined birthdays and taking it better than you, a grown adult, is for someone else. Everyone thinks it wouldn’t happen to them. You’ve said repeatedly you don’t understand how you could be putting anyone at risk by doing this. You’re going to the supermarket, the single most populous and at risk public space at the moment. You’ll be coming into contact with many people through no fault of your own, touching surfaces which hundreds have recently touched (there is also evidence to suggest the virus can survive on surfaces for some time.) Okay maybe you have hand sanitiser and use it in your car, but you’ve touched the car door handle, you’ve touched the shopping bags and the shopping, the steering wheel. Your face probably several times as it’s impossible not to. Going shopping in itself is a risk but it’s a necessary risk, most people wash their hands when they get home and it’s fine. But you propose not to, you want to pick your kids up, where they’ll be touching all the surfaces you just touched, you’ll be in direct contact with them straight after shopping increasing the chances of spread. Do you understand why this isn’t a good idea?

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 05/04/2020 03:08

You think it’s sad that your kids won’t get to wave to their grandma on her birthday? There are people young and old dying alone without their family because they’re infected, there’s people unable to go to their families funerals. And this is at everyone who thinks they’re an exception to the rule, is whatever you want to do when leaving the house and breaking a rule worth it?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 05/04/2020 04:57

No.

Meaniebobeanie · 05/04/2020 05:12

How is this going to affect anyone? If doing this won't harm anyone then it's fine. People need to use common sense.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 05/04/2020 05:34

OP, I find it interesting how you began this thread by admitting you already know you are in the wrong for even considering doing this "Ok I will probably get flamed but I'll put it out there anyway".

Listen to your first instinct. Don't do this.

I hear your reasons, but you know this is idea of yours is wrong.

Everyone who wants to bend the rules thinks they have a special reason or an extenuating circumstance of some kind or other. No. Just no.

This disease doesn't care about your reasons. Doesn't sympathise with your circumstances.

Let's all try our best to beat this awful thing. We won't be in lockdown forever.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/04/2020 07:42

We are all in this together

I’m sorry for for everyone who is hurting I think we all are on some level

I struggle with knowing that doctors and nurses are dying from catching this awful virus while they are working their damn hardest to save others. Not on the front line hut we are caring caring for those with COVID-19 I fear I bring that home, my son can’t see his dad, I can’t see my dad, I can only see my mum through a window when I drop her shopping off, ds gets very upset about going to school as so few there and all his friends are at home, the guilt I feel that I put my child at more of a risk, my friend can’t see her dying dad. my poor cousins couldn’t be with my lovely uncle when he died (thankfully he was in a lovely home with wonderful staff) and we can only attend his funeral via an online service.

We are all having a bad time but we are all in this together and we can all do our best to work together to try and lessen the suffering we are all feeling on some level

It’s not forever - this is our mantra at work at the moment it helps to keep that in mind

SarahInAccounts · 05/04/2020 08:46

I am isolated without my children. Ffs you and your mother can bloody cope. It’s not essential and all the mindsets exactly like yours are the fucking problem. Get a grip. Stay. At. Home

Empathy bypass? Your pain isn't the only pain in the world. Abusing upset people is vile. You get a grip.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 08:56

Read your own post. Empathy bypass? No my pain is absolutely not the only pain, it’s a fraction of what the whole planet is going through. Where’s your empathy? Have you said one kind thing?

sleepingpup · 05/04/2020 09:07

I would do it OP.

You would be using the car anyway.

The kids would stay well inside and away.

You would be helping her mental health ( and yours probably) which is why exercise and walks are encouraged/allowed.

We all have to get through this the best we can.

Hope she has a happy birthday.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 09:14

In the last 12 hours, I’ve been “picked on” a few times. I’ve had unkind messages from posters too. And people are telling me I have no empathy.

Rooberoobe · 05/04/2020 09:19

Taking away all the other things would she/your children cope with seeing each other or would it have a negative impact on their mental health not being able to hug/stay longer/be closer.
It was my DD (primary aged) birthday this week and I took the decision to not let my parents see her (we could go past on our daily walk but avoid that way). I know it would have upset us all. I believe as much as many of our Lower primary aged children understand that they can’t see family/friends because of a virus they don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with it. To be honest some days I don’t think I have either and while my DD had a breakdown on her birthday about wanting to wear something I said was inappropriate. I believe that actually she just didn’t know how to express how sad she was that she couldn’t see her family and friends at the moment.

Morgan12 · 05/04/2020 09:25

So the only risk I can see here is that you have a car accident on route or on your way home. Which is highly unlikely to happen.

You are not endangering your Mother if you are all keep distance and it will cheer her up on her birthday. So I'd go.

Bee128 · 05/04/2020 09:27

If you are going anyway to drop off food I can’t see the problem. Obviously children cannot go in the supermarket or anything but should be fine if they stay in the car!

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 05/04/2020 09:35

but should be fine if they stay in the car!

Oh ok then. As long as they should be fine that's good enough. What percentage of fine is that? 100% fine? Definitely not.
Stop trying to evaluate the guidelines given.
Stop trying to create loopholes. There isn't one in this case. No.
Just do your duty. Please. Along with everyone else. More of us will get through this pandemic that way.

SarahInAccounts · 05/04/2020 09:57

Where’s your empathy? Have you said one kind thing?

Yes, earlier on this thread, I said kind things to the OP. I have no empathy for those who deliberately add to the pain of others.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 10:12

Like you’re doing? I’m in pain...you’re having a go...adding to my pain...sorry not sure how that fits in your ethos?

sleepingpup · 05/04/2020 10:22

@TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner
I'm about to take my dog for a walk in the park. Without fuss and away from others. I 'should' be fine and that's how I'm getting through this.

Morgan12 · 05/04/2020 10:26

Yeah my DH needs to go to Tesco later but he should be fine.

Ineedaslap · 05/04/2020 10:51

There was a video circulating the other day of a family who went to a care home and held up pieces of paper to their mother through the window, the care home saying how nice it was.

Surely what the OP wants to do is similar?

SarahInAccounts · 05/04/2020 11:22

Like you’re doing? I’m in pain...you’re having a go...adding to my pain...sorry not sure how that fits in your ethos?

If you show no empathy for the OP yourself and speak to her in such vile tones then you have no right to demand empathy from others. You reap what you sow. maybe you have learned a lesson.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 11:37

I haven’t demanded anything. I reap what I sow? Have you even read my posts? I am bloody sowing. Hope you get the pleasure. You are as thick as you sound.

cologne4711 · 05/04/2020 11:42

So you are taking your mother some supplies that you would do anyway. You add a birthday card and present to those supplies, and take the kids with you in the car. You leave the presents and supplies on her doorstep and stay out the way while she opens the door and then you sing happy birthday from a safe distance away? And have a bit of a chat?

Have I got that right?

If so, I can't see the problem. It's an essential journey that you are doing anyway and you are complying with social distancing rules.

myself2020 · 05/04/2020 11:43

i wouldn’t listen to mumsnet. people are completely hysterical, and are competing in how can self-isolate in the most miserable way. over the last week we learned that bread and milk are not essential, neither is any food that isn’t canned and hasn’t been bought months ago.
read the government guidelines (not the mumsnet interpretation!), and check wether they fit to what you want to do. then decide

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