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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take kids to visit my mum on her birthday (from afar)

201 replies

Beingyellow · 04/04/2020 16:02

Ok I will probably get flamed but I'll put it out there anyway. I am all for following rules but also think common sense needs to prevail sometimes. So here's my scenario....

I have been going shopping for my mum. She is on her own now, less than a year since my dad died. She's in her 60s and it makes sense for me to shop and drop stuff off for her rather than us both shopping seperately during this period. I usually just put it on her doorstep, ring the bell and walk to my car and we shout across to each other to say hello etc. Only been twice so far as I shop once a week.

It's her birthday next week, so I planned to do the same as above but take the family with me when I drop it off (along with her present). We would all stand way back and not go near her.

Is this really that bad? I would have to come back and pick up family but its on the way to my mums anyway. My kids are old enough not to run over and hug etc...they understand (7, 9 and 11)

OP posts:
Embracelife · 04/04/2020 23:48

So you taking three kids shopping ? Or you shopping then going back to pick the kids up ? What s the difference between facetime and 10ft away ?

Sparky87 · 04/04/2020 23:49

It really is awful. I miss them so, so much. And they’re incredibly distressed by it, my youngest has been on the phone tonight sobbing so much he could hardly talk. It’s unbearable, my family has been torn apart by this fucking virus. If people, like you OP, could see what this illness is putting people through firsthand you would understand why you need to stay the fuck at home. I’m sorry for swearing but I’m scared, my children are scared. We all need to stop thinking “well this or that doesn’t count. I’m just doing this. It’s just that”. It’s not just waving hello, it’s putting people at risk. Please, please think of the children who have been isolated away from their parents crying themselves to sleep. Because that’s what mine did.

SuburbanFraggle · 04/04/2020 23:53

@Applejaxx

There is average intelligence. There is below average intelligence. They are not bad people. They have a harder time grasping concepts.

The concept that extra trips when multiplied in a population of 70 million WILL stretch the NHS is one some people genuinely can't seem to understand.

Bereavement is terrible. OPs mum deserves support. It does not need to be in person.

A 13 year old was burried with noone at their funerals. Hundreds are dying with their loved ones not allowed at their bedside. Many children will lose healthworker parents.

Just stay the fuck at home.

WidowTwonky · 04/04/2020 23:54

OP you can still cheer your mum up on her birthday without taking the kids. A FaceTime party and get other family members to dial in too.
There are options other than driving your kids there

Sparky87 · 04/04/2020 23:55

Honestly I can’t be bothered to argue, you’ve already decided. I don’t know why you posted, do you? You probably wanted justification and to be told it’s fine. Over 700 families in the last 24 hours would disagree with you. They probably just popped in to wave or to take shopping. I really hope you never ever find yourself in my position.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/04/2020 23:56

Sparky87 I hope you personal message gets through

As it’s been pointed out over and over again we could all take that one extra non essential trip or arrange to be in the same place at the same time but not get too close and so on if we all did that what would be the point of having these guidelines and rules they are there for the most serious situation our country has faced in our lifetime

Frankiecandle · 05/04/2020 00:00

People are allowed to take shopping and wave from a car.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 00:00

Thank you @EnthusiasmIsDisturbed. I don’t think it will. I wish I hadn’t read this. I feel so helpless and frustrated. My little boys voice was breaking over the phone crying that he wants his mummy. And I can’t hold him or comfort him because I’m trying to protect them. It’s heartbreaking but as frustrating as it is that people will not listen, I don’t ever want anyone to go through what me and my children are.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/04/2020 00:06

That is heartbreaking I hope you get to be with them soon Flowers

Unfortunately I think you are right

Wehttam · 05/04/2020 00:09

OP with all the love and humility in the world, you need to seriously understand why exactly these restrictions are in place.

Keep the kids at home and be a responsible adult.

How hard is that to grasp?

For the flamers I wish you love and humility too but I can’t stand your ignorance.

morriseysquif · 05/04/2020 00:10

@SuburbanFraggle Sat 04-Apr-20 23:28:47.

It is one year, if we all just forgo this stuff one year there will be more of us to see another year.

Original poster
Beingyellow · 05/04/2020 00:11

I'm gonna ask to get this removed and I'm coming off mumsnet. The last thing I wanted was to make people upset. But sparky you're not the only person suffering. At least I recognised your pain. You act like mine and my mums doesn't matter. I worry so much about the world going forward when this is over. Already peoples basic empathy is starting to lack

OP posts:
morriseysquif · 05/04/2020 00:11

In agreement !

@SuburbanFraggle

morriseysquif · 05/04/2020 00:15

@Sparky87

So sorry, do you want to talk about it?

Frankiecandle · 05/04/2020 00:16

Beingyellow. Don't let these people drive you off MN.

I hope your mum can manage to have a lovely birthday and go sing happy birthday to her, I would.

Take care.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 00:16

That’s just not true. I absolutely do care about you and your mum, I’m sure you’re both missing each other greatly. I miss my mum too but you need to stay apart from now. At least you’ve had those odd moments of being on her doorstep, I and hundreds of thousands of colleagues haven’t been able to be in feet of each other. The whole country needs to pull together and just stay at home. That’s all you’re being asked to do. I’m sorry you’re missing your mum. It’ll be ok in the end if we just stand strong. Please listen to the advice. That’s really all I can say.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 00:17

@morriseysquif thank you, I’d really like that.

redwinefine · 05/04/2020 00:17

OP. It's great that (apparently) no-one you care about has been affected by the virus, but that won't be true of all the posters. And possibly a lot of people who have been killed/ hospitalised by the virus have been infected by people who show no symptoms (like you and yours??) So, basically you're asking if you have an EXTRA special reason to break the rules because you're an EXTRA SPECIAL PERSON. No. Follow the rules. If your kids or your mother don't need to be put in danger (virus, car accident, etc) the mind boggles as to why you would actually consider it.

Original poster
Beingyellow · 05/04/2020 00:29

Thanks for your reply sparky ❤

Ive asked for mumsnet to remove this will see what they say

OP posts:
Desertislanddreamer · 05/04/2020 00:32

It was my dads birthday last week, he is extremely ill suffering from a inoperable brain tumour and we know this will most likely be his last birthday. He is not coping well at all with this. We are on the phone to each other nearly every hour of the day and it’s still incredibly difficult as he misses my kids who he is so close too. On his birthday I dropped off his shopping with his card, the many painting the kids had done and some nice shortbread and spoke to him at the garden path. I know my kids would of loved to see him but it didn’t even cross my mind to take them even just to wave out of the car. It’s hard and it’s shit but the threat is real and it won’t last forever. From what your saying it does seem as though you’ve already made up your mind!

SuburbanFraggle · 05/04/2020 00:34

I think this is a useful thread for those who have emotionally compelling reasons for making extra trips to read through.

This is a situation noone has ever been through.

Everything is upside down. Everyone is upset.

We all get things wrong sometimes.

Condolences to OP and sorry that your mum is in emotional pain

BUT

Let's make sure we don't need to send more condolences to other families. Stay at home. Don't make non essential trips. Don't drive around with people who should be at home.

Sparky87 · 05/04/2020 00:35

It’s ok to be unsure, I’m sorry I was rude. I’m just feeling useless without my children and nothing I can do to comfort them. It’s really normal to want your mum in times like this. I’m sure she waves to see you too but the advice is stay home, you’ve had a lot of good advice on here. Hope you’re all ok Flowers

Original poster
Beingyellow · 05/04/2020 00:48

Thanks sparky. Sorry you feel useless when of course its the absolute opposite. You are doing everything you can to protect your kids.

OP posts:
Ihavechangedmyname2manytimes · 05/04/2020 00:48

I think it is absolutely acceptable. If you keep your distance, it's fine. You are making the journey anyway, so why not take kids? It is her birthday and a one-off.

Douberry · 05/04/2020 01:04

Drop the shopping off. Pack an extra gift and nice bits for your mum. Do this without the kids. Keep the kids at home. Get the kids to ring or face time her. Sing happy birthday down the phone until they get tired of it. Then stay at home unless essential. Really it's very simple. Imagine if you or the kids infected your mum. Imagine if she was on a ward with or without a ventilator because the doctors had to make a decision about who was more likely to survive. Imagine being told you couldn't see your mum in her last moments. Doesn't seem like an essential trip for you and the kids to go wish her happy birthday in person now does it.