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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take kids to visit my mum on her birthday (from afar)

201 replies

Beingyellow · 04/04/2020 16:02

Ok I will probably get flamed but I'll put it out there anyway. I am all for following rules but also think common sense needs to prevail sometimes. So here's my scenario....

I have been going shopping for my mum. She is on her own now, less than a year since my dad died. She's in her 60s and it makes sense for me to shop and drop stuff off for her rather than us both shopping seperately during this period. I usually just put it on her doorstep, ring the bell and walk to my car and we shout across to each other to say hello etc. Only been twice so far as I shop once a week.

It's her birthday next week, so I planned to do the same as above but take the family with me when I drop it off (along with her present). We would all stand way back and not go near her.

Is this really that bad? I would have to come back and pick up family but its on the way to my mums anyway. My kids are old enough not to run over and hug etc...they understand (7, 9 and 11)

OP posts:
Thelittleweasel · 04/04/2020 17:26

The problem is that the little ones will see GM and run to her.

Ours live next door and want to. We have to be ruthless and so does everyone

SimonJT · 04/04/2020 17:28

I went to my boyfriends flat today to pick up boyfriends stuff and to deliver food to his flatmate. We had a good twenty minute chat with him on his balcony, he has CF and we are the only real life humans he has spoken to since the vulnerable list came out.

Katyy · 04/04/2020 17:29

Yes it’s fine I was talking to my dr about this because my mum suffers from depression. He said it was fine to visit as she is vulnerable, so long as we keep our distance.

Original poster
Beingyellow · 04/04/2020 17:31

Thanks NailsneedDoing. I do worry that people are getting so focused on the rules that they forget basic empathy. You have no idea how guilty I feel about her situation at the moment even though I know its not my fault. I just want to be there for her and felt a bit better when I came up with this idea. I'm undecided what to do.

I won't stop shopping for her though batshittery. No she may not officially come under vulnerable but she is to me and since she can't drive I don't see the point in her walking 15 minutes to a small shop or getting a bus to a big shop. To me thats more likely to spread the virus than me just dropping off her shopping.

OP posts:
SarahInAccounts · 04/04/2020 17:50

I won't stop shopping for her though batshittery. No she may not officially come under vulnerable but she is to me and since she can't drive I don't see the point in her walking 15 minutes to a small shop or getting a bus to a big shop. To me thats more likely to spread the virus than me just dropping off her shopping.

Absolutely, OP. Only an idiot would think otherwise.

Batshittery · 04/04/2020 17:54

Which is fair enough Being. I'm just pointing out that she isn't classed as vulnerable. It may make it sound more justifiable to you, but there's enough confusion as it is.

Spied · 04/04/2020 17:58

Dropped off my Mum and Dad's shopping last week ( both shielded list). Took DC with me to wave out of the car window.
15 minute journey.
I wouldn't take them every time if can avoid it but now and again I think it's good for everyone's mental health.

SunshineCake · 04/04/2020 18:00

I did read it.

I think too may people aren't taking this seriously and think they won't get it. I was careful. Staying in. Still got it. Had to go to hospital. Write goodbye notes. You can all take the piss as much as you like. I just hope you don't get it or give it to someone else as is possible if you don't show symptoms.

MutteringDarkly · 04/04/2020 18:36

I don't feel like you're looking for exceptions, and I do understand you're doing your best to remain at home and follow the instructions. I do think your mum would get just as much from just seeing you at shopping drop-off (as normal) and receiving some nice drawings from your kids, and having a video call later on with them.

I'm a single parent, and also look after my vulnerable DM who lives about 15 mins walk away. It's now reaching the point where DM really needs to do her physio but won't do that alone in case she falls. So my best solution tomorrow will be that DD and I will walk to DM's house very early so the street is quiet, and mirror the physio for her from outside the window, so she'll feel safer doing it "with" us in case she falls or gets breathless. Then we'll walk home again. DD is not old enough to be left home alone, and DM really really needs to do the physio (for her breathing, cardiac issues, and mobility). I consider this to be essential care for someone who's vulnerable, protecting her against needing NHS care.

Roweeeeena · 04/04/2020 18:48

Best stop shopping for her too and leave her to starve OP. Wouldn't want to risk that car crash and using up resources Wink

swelchphr · 04/04/2020 19:06

I am glad some people think about it with some common sense.

It's sounds like you've already made your decision and you just want to hear that some people agree to make you feel better about your decision.

swelchphr · 04/04/2020 19:08

I think a general good rule of thumb, is if your doubting yourself that you need to ask, the answer is most likely no.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/04/2020 19:12

Dropping her shopping off is essential

Is it essential to take your children with you if they can stay at home

You know the answer

It’s horrible for us all some more than others the nhs is under such strain at the moment that these guidelines really do need to be adhered to by everyone to keep us all as safe as possible.

I’m not on the front line and I am struggling with the stress of how our work has changed and caring for people COVID-19. I’ve spent the day in bed from sheer exhaustion how they are managing I don’t know it makes me emotional thinking about it

please please think of the bigger picture it’s not forever keep that in mind

twinkle2306 · 04/04/2020 19:15

OP im confused as to why you even posted this. You knew what the responses would be you will also know how your community will view it. You've clearly made up your mind and have come here for 'back up'

Mlou32 · 04/04/2020 19:21

Maybe use this "common sense" that you speak of....

SnoozyLou · 04/04/2020 19:24

I'm not sure it would be that pleasant to be honest. It would just hammer home the situation - you couldn't give her a kiss or a hug. On that basis I think Skype would be better.

Original poster
Beingyellow · 04/04/2020 19:27

Twinkle why does anyone post anything? That's the whole point of AIBU to see peoples opinions and actually I'd say there are mixed opinions. The only difference is those saying I shouldn't do it are pretty extreme responses so maybe stand out more. The vote is also mixed but actually more are saying my idea is not unreasonable.

I am still genuinely undecided. TBH I think I'm more worried about what my mums neighbours might think than the risk itself. The risk seems minimal to me compared to for example going a walk outside which IS permitted.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/04/2020 19:48

What if we all thought oh well risk is minimal and applied that over and over again in all different situations can you not see how things easily get out of hand

The guidelines and rules are there to protect us all and to keep some form of order so hopefully we do all follow them to keep us all safe

ListenWhy · 04/04/2020 20:03

Best stop shopping for her too and leave her to starve OP. Wouldn't want to risk that car crash and using up resources wink

I'm sure you intended this to be funny @Roweeeeena but it really isn't.
I've just got off the phone to a friend who is a nurse in the children's department of a hospital. All doctors from their department have been redeployed to ICU.
Children in their department have tested positive. She is working double shifts. This is not a joke.

Roweeeeena · 04/04/2020 20:35

@ListenWhy erm okay.. literally has nothing to do with my comment but you crack on.

Roweeeeena · 04/04/2020 20:40

@Beingyellow don't fret about it, honestly. Back in the real non batshit MN my friends mum went to wave at her grandchild through the window for his birthday today . Absolutely no physical contact involved, no nasty judgemental comments about it on her facebook photo of it, nobody had a freak car accident (why would an accident be more likely than if you were going to drop food..?) and the world continues to turn. I really wouldn't ask for opinions about stuff like that here. A huge number of users have lost the ability to think rationally or with any level of common sense. There was a big pile on a poor pregnant lady the other day encouraging her to cancel important appointments. If they'll do that to her then they'll be more ridiculous to you.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 04/04/2020 20:43

So the guidelines for non essential travel is a load of bollocks

Great that’s sorted out then

Original poster
Beingyellow · 04/04/2020 21:01

Yeah you're right Roweeeeeena. Mumsnets defo not the place for me just now. Just thought it would be a good place to ask something annonymously. Some horrific OTT responses though.

OP posts:
Malvinaa81 · 04/04/2020 21:19

It is not essential for your children to see your mother.

It's simple enough to understand, and follow.

SunshineCake · 04/04/2020 21:30

3000 people went to a London park today. They didn't think the instructions applied to them. They thought their trip to sunbathe and picnic was essential for any number of spurious reasons. Same as what is happening with Cheltenham in that in a few weeks time there will be a spike in infections and deaths. I'm not sure they will think their picnic is worth it when they are taking their last breath or watching their loved one die or be buried by iPad.