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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after friends child during labour- WWYD?

188 replies

Desperatelyseekingsleep12 · 04/04/2020 13:39

A friend of mine is due to give birth in ten days and has a 3- year old daughter. She and her partner don’t have any family that are local, so she has asked me to come over and be with her daughter when she goes to the hospital to give birth. Her husband will be going with her and our local hospital is still allowing one birthing partner. However, is it permissible for me to go into her home and look after her child? My family have been very strictly following the government guidance so it doesn’t sit well with me, but then again, if I refuse to do this, she’ll have to give birth alone. Do any of you have any advice? What would you do?

OP posts:
ThusSpoke · 04/04/2020 16:05

It irritates me no end that people are constantly looking for ways to squirm their way round the guidelines

Yeah, because that’s what this is.

OP’s friend should obviously just wait until after this is all over to have her baby. Any reason to squirm around the guidelines, eh.

ThusSpoke · 04/04/2020 16:09

@Desperatelyseekingsleep12, I’m pregnant and due soon. I have a 3 year old son and have no idea what I’m going to do as I don’t have anyone to take him. You’re doing an amazing thing for your friend.

Sceptre86 · 04/04/2020 16:09

I would do this for her. I am a key worker so am going out to work anyway.

Somerville · 04/04/2020 16:12

AnotherEmma Congrats m’dear!!!

Eemamc · 04/04/2020 16:14

Isn’t it harder work for midwives if women are in hospital without partners? During my first birth there were long stretches of time when we were left the two of us, and my husband was helping me drink, or eat or go to the bathroom etc. Isn’t it actually helpful to have a birth partner there? And to be quite honest, when it was near the end, I really wanted to give up and just have some kind of assisted birth, I was convinced that I couldn’t do anymore, it was my husband that got me through it, and I managed a natural delivery, which in turn got me out of the hospital in only a few hours. There must be massive benefits to having a partner there? Esp if they’ve come from the same household and have been self isolating together?

MoonAndMe19 · 04/04/2020 16:14

I wouldn't do it but Dd and I have underlying health issues. I'm due in a few weeks and will be giving birth alone. I don't feel the need to have someone with me though I can appreciate why others wouldn't feel the same. If everyone involved self isolates beforehand and they don't any underlying health issues then the risk should be quite low.

RenegadeMrs · 04/04/2020 16:16

Another vote in support. I'm due in 1sy July and assuming we are still in lockdown and birth partners are allowed my Mum will be coming to look after DD after both households have self isolated for 2 weeks. No one in out house (other than me) is classified as vulnerable and neither are my parents.

For those who are saying midwives are vulnerable, they are but no more than anyone else. They will not all be going home and self isolating, they will have to go to the shops as much as the next person and some might even have children in school still. There is more danger of mum and baby picking it up in hospital and taking it back with them, and that probably can't be avoided as home births in many areas have been cancelled (and some women can't have home births anyway).

Honestly, some really black and white views of a grey situation here.

Redwinestillfine · 04/04/2020 16:18

I would but I'd self isolate for a week afterwards to avoid passing anything on to my household.

AnotherEmma · 04/04/2020 16:24

@Somerville
Thank you lovely! Nice to "see" you. Glad you recovered fine from the dreaded CV. Hope the rest of your family are all well x

MissEliza · 04/04/2020 16:37

Providing you nor anyone in your family has underlying health conditions that would put you at risk, you should do it. I read an article online about new mums and pregnant mums during this crisis and I felt so sorry for people in this situation.

MooseBreath · 04/04/2020 17:31

As a pregnant woman who is due in May when we will likely still be in lockdown, I would so much appreciate what the OP is doing. While I don't have children yet, I can't imagine how it feels to think that you have no choice but to give birth alone. Of course there are women who have done it before, and that's great if that's what they preferred, but I would feel so unsafe without my DH there advocating for me if the need be.

Liverbird77 · 04/04/2020 19:07

If you've all isolated for at least two weeks then I would absolutely do it.
It is your choice though. One thing I would say is that if you choose not to help, as is your right, then it's only fair to tell them as soon as possible so they can try to make another arrangement.

CheerfulMuddler · 04/04/2020 19:26

I would. Giving birth is a medical need, having a partner there while you give birth is important for all sorts of reasons, psychological and physical (you will have an easier birth if you are more relaxed, lower chance of PTSD etc).
If you're worried, I think the idea of self isolating at home until the birth and suggesting they do the same if possible is a good one. But even if she goes into labour tonight, I still would.

Ponoka7 · 04/04/2020 19:29

This is allowed under the guidance. It states childcare for medical needs, key workers etc.

SnoozyLou · 04/04/2020 19:32

I'll be in the same situation as your friend in June, and except I'm going in for a c section. I've got my head around the fact I'll have to go alone. My parents were going on to look after DS but they're in their 70s. This is the only way that looked right to me.

If I wasn't pregnant I would probably do it in your position. I think you've got to do what feels right for you though. I would want to be sure they'd been practicing social distancing so far as practicable if I was looking after him in their home for starters, and that no one had had any symptoms.

feelinguseless101 · 04/04/2020 19:35

We have the same decision to make. A friend has asked DH to look after their older 2 kids whilst his wife gives birth. He asked before COVID. We've agreed to him going to their house but he won't stay if his friend comes home then goes back again. It's a one-off, 1 time period only offer. It's her first labour and I really wouldn't want her to be alone.

IncyWincyTincy · 04/04/2020 19:49

I gave birth this week. My mum came to look after my children. My husband came to the hospital with me. I checked with the hospital. She was caring for a vulnerable person (the children), she was in isolation before in preparation. He came in only for the labour and then wasn't allowed to leave the room.

And as a side note how exactly do you propose a woman in labour GETS herself to hospital? Because driving a car whilst having a contraction is totally safe. I predict wails of 'get a taxi' - yes put a whole load of NHS staff and new mothers and babies at risk by getting in a car that's seen goodness knows how many possibly infectious people in a day. Honestly some of the scaremongering I've seen about against pregnant women is atrocious. I gave birth this week, in a pandemic, therefore I would argue I'm better placed to share the correct advise than many who haven't. Given I actually asked the medical professionals, and been through it myself. But consistently I'm seeing people actively shitting on and trying to scare whitless already scared mum's to be. Shame on all of you, its like you are actively revelling in pregnant woman's fear.

Of course I've now had my baby and am now at home, isolating, only introducing people via video message or on their walk through a window. My mother in law can't video call so she's not seen her 'live', my grandma has had to wait for photographs to be printed and posted. I don't think I'm above the rules- though undoubtedly someone will tell me I should have given birth alone, preferably without any medical assistance how selfish of me, or home birthed despite a risk of me and baby dying due to previous complications.

OP if you feel comfortable doing so please support your friend by honouring your promise. The rules are clear you can leave your home to look after a vulnerable person. Both a woman in labour and her child are classified under this. You can leave their property before they come back in.

AnotherEmma · 04/04/2020 19:51

"consistently I'm seeing people actively shitting on and trying to scare whitless already scared mum's to be. Shame on all of you, its like you are actively revelling in pregnant woman's fear."

Well said!

MummyP1g · 04/04/2020 19:52

I gave birth to my second this week. Our friends had our 3 year old overnight and my DH went and picked her up the following morning as it was gone midnight by the time we got home. I'm very grateful that we have such lovely friends.

If any of us had shown any symptoms I would've gone in by myself but the thought of that terrified me.

I wouldn't hesitate to help a friend in a similar situation.

formerbabe · 04/04/2020 19:52

I'd help a friend or relative in this situation without hesitation

welldonejean · 04/04/2020 19:55

Help her

Pieinthesky11 · 04/04/2020 19:59

Not sure what the voting means but I would ofcourse look after her dsughter

lynzpynz · 04/04/2020 20:00

I'd help, but I'd insist on both of you strictly isolating for 14 days prior to the birth - that way you should all be safe from having anything you can transfer between families. Safer for both parties.

crispysausagerolls · 04/04/2020 20:38

@IncyWincyTincy

Thank you for sharing! Very reassuring / and congratulations!

Reginabambina · 04/04/2020 20:42

I did this last week. But my friend was alone because the father is absent. It was allowed under the act and there was no other alternative. In your situation her husband could stay home but I don’t think it’s worth exposing her to the additional stress of labouring alone given that it’s avoidable.