To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

You are being very generous to do,anything considering the pressure on your time.
Please don't beat yourself up this. Tell the organiser you are withdrawing from the scheme.
Advise them of the problems with this lady.
Please give yourself some space. Your mental health is important. If you are doing too much you will run out of energy in ever sense.

@CecilyP the family who are benefiting from the baked goods are also isolating but they either deliver them, which they shouldn't be doing if they are isolating, or they come to collect them. I appreciate how difficult it must be if you can't get out for yourself but it's hard to get baking ingredients at the minute and I think my neighbour has lost perspective. I think she sees it as her hobby and the thing that's keeping her busy and distracted during all this. I've given her my baking supplies because I don't want to have her texting me daily about her critical flour levels and how she can't feed her sour dough starter.

They have been very grateful for me doing the shopping for them but it is starting to get out of hand. Asking me to go to several shops and check all the small shops incase they have flour in etc. I haven't done it and have said as soon as I see some in the shops I will pick it up for her and I've given my supplies in the mean time. Not sure how else to handle it and I don't want to have to put my foot down and flat out refuse. I'm hoping that they start to realise that they are being a bit silly by themselves.

Well re the yoghurt example-if I asked for strawberry then I wouldn't want another flavour instead-they are different things!

Some weird people eat more than one flavour of yoghurt. Or all flavours except one or two that just aren't their cup of tea.

In these circumstances you should be glad you're getting any fkg yoghurt at all.

Op I simply cannot imagine how this this lovely lady would come to be distant from get family.

*her family

God, what a nightmare.I'm the first to say you might as well get people the things they want as opposed to what you think they ought to have, but all those shops? Several times a week? Not a fucking chance. The queuing can be a full-time job in itself.

YANBU at all!

I would offer once a week, to once shop only, basic items, payment upfront and give her the change/receipt.

If she doesn’t like it she can lump it!

If you do want to keep helping her, tell her you will go to one shop for her once a week. No one should be visiting multiple shops several times a week even if they are not isolating/shielding. You could be an asymptomatic spreader if the virus.

Personally I would tell her to jog on and find another mug!

Maybe give them a brochure for a meal service like Wiltshire farm foods who do the meals on wheels service then they can order themselves

In these circumstances you should be glad you're getting any fkg yoghurt at all.

What if they'd prefer to have no yogurt than banana?!

OP (and anyone else in a similar situation) needs to talk to the person she's shopping for in advance. Properly.

Hi, we've amended the title of this thread as per the OP's request. Let's hope it can get back on track.

Tell the organisation you want to be reassigned and tell them why.

If the old lady struggles to get food, maybe she'll understand why she's burnt her bridges.

You're doing a nice thing, get reallocated and do it for someone who will appreciate it!

Your thread title in unfortunate because it sounds like YABU and generalising but in fact YANBU. This is either a very demanding CF of a woman or her cognitive abilities are poor. I think the organisation need to make it clear that only one shop per week for essentials from one shop is on offer. Also that there are shortages and if she doesn't want substitutions she may not get what she needs.. I would ask for a transfer to someone else. Perhaps the organisation needs to send a general letter out to say that there have been a few teething problems with people expecting trips to different shops and once per week for essential items is all that the service can provide.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare and very ungrateful. I'd tell her that you only have time to go to one shop ie tesco, once per week as you're doing this volunteering on top of your own job and personal life. And that you want the money upfront and will give her change when you return to the house with the shopping, as she is actually costing you money and leaving you out of pocket. Make it clear that you having to traipse round numerous shops numerous times a week is risking your health by potentially coming into contact with the virus. Government advice is to go shopping as infrequently as possible.

This sounds like the sort of person that you need to be very very firm and direct with. Give her one more chance and if she does it again, advise that you will no longer be doing shopping for her. She knows that she is taking the absolute piss out of you.

I don't see how people can read your post as disparaging the elderly in general- you're just saying this particular woman is awkward and it's a lot of hard work.

YANBU- it's voluntary and you can decide it's not for you.

I doubt many people are volunteering on top of working full time. Let yourself relax when you're not at work.

If you change your mind again you can always volunteer again- and you would be given a different person, probably less demanding.

Isn’t the answer to this is just good communication?

If I was being shopped for, I’d keep it simple, but clear, so...

• apples, anything but Golden Delicious.
• milk, organic semi-skimmed, full fat if necessary.
• plain chocolate digestives, no alternatives.

If I’m doing the shopping, give me guidance, but don’t be picky or unrealistic, these aren’t normal times; I’ll look for a specific fizzy drink (even rose and raspberry lemonade), but I’m not going to look through them all to look for ones with no artificial sweetener.

And sorry, but someone stropping about being got cherry yogurt instead of strawberry would be pulled up pretty fucking quickly. DP is the fussiest shopper when it comes to fresh veg, but I’m doing the shopping (he’s asthmatic), and he’ll be glad for whatever I get.

Yes I think it's got to be:

I will go to one shop and will get what's on your list if available. If they don't have what's on your list, do you want an alternative brand or flavour or leave it.

Basically, you need to be like a supermarket but say you will not accept any returns.

You shouldn't end up out of pocket

The problem is that shopping is an area that needs subtlety, but there is no time for that now.
Saying people can't specify washing powder brand is stupid- some people can only use one brand/formulation- their eczema or asthma flares up badly with others (DS comes out in huge welts, livid red marks four inches long when biological powder has been used, for example).
Saying people can't specify is ridiculous.
Obviously, not altering expectations is just as unfair.

I've been getting MIL who I'm shopping for to specify preferred brand/size/flavour, and then give a couple of acceptable alternatives. I'm lucky that she's very easy going, and isn't fussed about 99% of items.

It's probably a good thing that it's not the other way round
I only like butter, proper butter, don't care what brand. If someone brought me clover I'd say thank you, and pay...but I couldn't use it.

Some old people are so, so, so painfully selfish

That could be a function of living alone for along time - my dm can be like this, but can I just point out that painfully selfish people come in all ages?

OP My dm tried this, but got told I would be only going to one supermarket, and if I couldn't get what she wanted there, she would have to do without or pay a slightly higher price than she wanted for things. She has to her credit, accepted this.

I would be done with her. There are other people she can torment.

OP, have you ever heard the phrase no good deed goes unpunished? Not only are you being manipulated by this woman you are being pilloried on here for not sucking it up. Notify whoever arranged this that you can't help anymore and walk away.

She sounds like a highly unpleasant person to deal with, but, in all honesty, this sounds like the sort of thing I would expect the volunteers to be dealing with. I think a lot of people (not necessarily the OP) signed up as volunteers to "do their bit" and make themselves feel good without thinking through exactly what the job would entail.

In normal times a lot of people go out shopping almost every day and will have shops they favour for certain products. Vulnerable people have been told they must stay at home but that doesn't mean they can undo a lifetime of habits even if they are now shopping by proxy.

Unfortunately as the saying goes, "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen!"

My Dad is 81, and has rheumatoid arthritis so is very vulnerable.
He is also used to shopping daily locally to get what he wants, so he never has much food in the cupboard or fridge/freezer as a result.

He's asked me 3 or 4 times to get bits for him, so we've had a good chat about the fact I'm diabetic, get my own shopping delivered to avoid risk and I will go once a week for him. So he's having to use his freezer and meal plan, and is completely flummoxed by it all.

Older people are VERY stuck in their ways and routines. This is unsettling for everyone. I'd have a chat to her about the limited availability of food, and so not to risk your own health, you can go once a week and she may need to give you 3 or 4 alternatives for what is on her list and it will be from one shop only.

And just because someone is elderly, doesn't mean they are nice or remotely grateful. So have strong boundaries around your ability to help, and stick to them

Goodness. She sounds very difficult and clueless about the current situation.

Can you give her one more chance and draw up a list of what you are prepared to do, ie one supermarket once a week, she needs to make it clear if she wants a reasonable substitution or not, money upfront.

Other bits and bobs that can be ordered online, her family can help with.

Yes, I agree that older people do tend to be less flexible.

This is an unprecendented situation though and everyone up and down the country and in many other countries is being forced to adapt and change. Your lady needs to have this explained to her and adapt just the same as my children who are having to stay in and trying to work without a teacher, self employed friends who are trying to be innovative to earn some money, my husband whose rota at work has completely changed, etc, etc.