Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

318 replies

ladylovesmilktray · 31/03/2020 23:18

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

OP posts:

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 31/03/2020 23:37

Don't stop being a volunteer but tell the older lady that you have new directives and the rules are she must pay for all shopping, you can't guarantee items and are only able to go to one supermarket. If she doesn't agree to the new rules, then offer your help to someone more reasonable.

Nearlyalmost50 · 31/03/2020 23:37

I think a lot of people who haven't been out for a week or two don't know what it's like in the shops- they don't realise you often have to queue to get in, that the shelves are bare and that you basically have to have what's available. I would explain the situation to her- say you can only go to one shop from now on as it's taking so long to queue to get into them, and that not all the products might be available, would she prefer you chose something else or not get anything? If she continues to moan, I'd just stop.

I wouldn't carry on shopping 3x a week, and I wouldn't go to multiple shops. That's against the advice to keep you save which is to do as few shops as possible. Just tell her what you can do but it sounds like you aren't going to win in this situation, so you'll have to stop.

Not all vulnerable people are easy-going and grateful!

goldfinchfan · 31/03/2020 23:38

State what you are prepared to give and stick to it.
The woman you are shopping for is being unreasonable but you should not judge all elderly on her

crankysaurus · 31/03/2020 23:38

It might be that is she's not been out to the shops recently she just isn't aware that it's more effort and some things just won't be available. If you do help, either her or someone else, I would suggest you set them clear boundaries and ask them the 'what if that isn't available' questions up front. It's good of you to help, I hope she doesn't put you off.

Whynotdance · 31/03/2020 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RonnieBarkingMad · 31/03/2020 23:40

Why are you being such a walkover for? Read your own post back to yourself, put yourself in someone else’s shoes and then ask yourself whether that person deserves to be treated like that and whether they should put up with it?

GotTheCityOnLockdown · 31/03/2020 23:40

Explain to her that if there's to be no substitutions then she needs to understand you may not be able to get the things on her list; she needs to be specific and you can't keep going to 3 separate shops in a day.

If she continues to be a nightmare then contact the council and say you're can't meet her demands anymore.

You're a volunteer and she ought to be grateful that someone is taking time out of their day to go to the shops for her, there's loads of people who need support at the minute but, because they're not old/vulnerable, they're left to it.

JKScot4 · 31/03/2020 23:40

Be clear it’s one supermarket, once a week and cash upfront.
That’s how everyone else is doing it, she’s a chancer that’s taking the piss.

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/03/2020 23:40

Tell your organiser it's too much with your other commitments and get yourself removed as her helper. That's above and beyond what's expected surely? I've just done the supermarket shop for my 95yo dad - 25 minutes queuing to get in - and I had to do a few substitutions for him. He was a poppet when I explained why and was looking forward to trying the new cake!

Iamamoleinthegarden · 31/03/2020 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/03/2020 23:42

I'd tell who ever is organising the volunteering you are doing this week and no more.

You can't be compelled to volunteer. She appears to think you're an uppity slave, rather than a decent busy person doing their bit to help the cause!

PippaPegg · 31/03/2020 23:45

She is taking the piss.

You don't owe her anything. Agree with pp tell the folk organising this.

By visiting all those shops 3x week you are putting yourself at risk.

It is a crying shame how some people just don't seem able to have perspective on how bloody lucky they are

justilou1 · 31/03/2020 23:46

I think we know why she’s distant from her family, OP.... they ran away!!!
You are entitled to put boundaries in place with this woman. She needs to know exactly what the world is like now, and that as you are using your money and donating your time, she will be paying for what you buy if she is not specific. If you can’t get exactly what she wants, and she has no alternative in mind, you will not be buying it at all. Also, you do not have time to face the queues at 57 shops. You will be shopping one day per week only.

Pixxie7 · 31/03/2020 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KC225 · 31/03/2020 23:48

OMG this woman could be my 86 year old mother. She moans about her next door neighbour doing her shopping, it's so frustrating. I am living in a different country and in my eyes he is a saint.

Most recently, she moaned for a full ten minutes how he had bought her sausages instead of sausage rolls (a perfectly reasonable substitution in my eyes as they didn't have any sausage rolls).

She also gives him a list of items for a couple of days because she doesn't know what she'll need. No regard for lack of items in the shops and the fact he has a wife a teenager to shop for. And she point blank refuses to let me set up a home delivery.

My mum's neighbour is bemused by it for the moment and I am effusive with gratitude and gifts but it's embarrassing.

I would ring the organiser and explain that you do not have the time to deal with this difficult woman. Someone needs to talk to her or sort out an alternative method. I think the clue in your post is that she is- 'distant from her family'. You have made a generous offer to help in a crisis and it's a shame that your goodwill has been taken for granted. Maybe give it one more try with someone who appreicates it.

THEDEACON · 31/03/2020 23:48

I ripped my elderly aunt a new one today as she wanted to ask a friend to go to M AND S and then go to the butcher 5miles away from MandS for eggs she was left in no doubt that would not be happening MandS EGGS OR NO EGGS !

Timefor45 · 31/03/2020 23:49

Sorry but maybe she doesn’t understand that it’s not her usual shopping list you’re going for? You probably need to be clearer that it’s essentials and some of her regular products are not readily available right now. I agree with pp, maybe confirm with her if she’d like substitutes or should you not substitute? Can you ask for cash up front now you’ve worked with her and she can trust you? Please give her another chance, she’s probably feeling very unsettled right now and her regular products give her reassurance.

DakotaFanny · 31/03/2020 23:49

You’re lovely OP! But yes, tell her: shops are chaos; you are worried for your own health every time you go in them; you can only do so much.

Any chance (fat!) that you can get an online slot for her shopping?

Wheresthebeach · 31/03/2020 23:49

You’re not her servant. Either get the organisers to put limits on, or tell her that she accepts substitutes, or agrees to limited shopping. Tell her you have the time to visit one supermarket and one pharmacy only. Or quite but make sure you let the organisers know why so they can sort her out before she chases away another volunteer.

Holidayaddict · 31/03/2020 23:51

I've been shopping for our (very lovely) elderly neighbour. I too am working full time, albeit from home, but am very busy. I too have had multiple daily lists, with some hard to get, mostly organic items. I've just been honest and said I've not got time to go to multiple shops and have just got the non-organic versions if no organic available - to be fair she's been absolutely fine about it and not complained.

My sister (in a similar position to me) has also been helping an elderly neighbour. She has been presented with lists of obscure Asian spices that she had to Google lol and make special journeys to specialised shops to find. She's now fed up with it and told the neighbour straight that the purpose is for essentials only and she can't be driving around hunting down these items. Afaik they've taken it ok!

I'd just be honest, chances are she just didn't think. Otherwise just get the exact items and not purchase substitutes.

JeSuisPoulet · 31/03/2020 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

smileannie · 31/03/2020 23:58

TrainspottingWelsh,slightly off topic but how does shopping for several households work with only one of certain items per shop? eg one box of eggs? I was trying to get some basics for a single mum neighbor as one of her daughters isn’t well and she couldn’t get out to the shops. I was told that I could only have one of restricted items. I gave her the shopping and went back for mine the next day but could have done with the time spent queuing etc as I am WFH.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 31/03/2020 23:58

tell her what you're prepared to do (once a week, not multiple shops, agree substitutions). If she doesn't want to continue, let the organiser of the scheme know why its broken down.

OR - just let the organiser know the problems and get him/her to sort it & explain to the woman that she is being unreasonable.

Itsjustmee · 31/03/2020 23:58

I’ve been doing shopping for two elderly and disabled people via a face book group.
I explained that I would go to lidls Tescos Express wilkos and my butchers . This is because where I live if you go after 7pm they are all fully stocked and no queues
And the butchers I can place an order and collect next day .
I wouldn’t go to the big superstores as although they are a bit cheaper the queues are horrific and while I don’t mind doing a shop I’m not queuing for hours to do one . I won’t even do that for myself .
I really don’t mind doing this for either of them
I’ve even collected a click and collect from Asda for one of them which was brilliant and very easy to do

SharonasCorona · 31/03/2020 23:59

I'm not sure about that. My poor 69 yo mum is terrified, and has given up her daily walks to stay home. I worry for her mental health.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13