To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

With my own mother I made it clear that I would go to one shop - she likes Tesco so I go there - once a week and she needs to make her list. She is used to daily shopping and loves to cook so she finds this very difficult and feels I am being difficult and precious (I’m asthmatic so I’m really not)

Invariably she doesn’t do the list and I end up having to tell her she is going to have to wait until the weekend (unless it’s milk, eggs or bread obviously) and she goes nuts.

However I’m sticking to it, we all need to change how we do things. I would also shop regularly and widely so I don’t love the once a week in a supermarket rule

One shop and no choice in brand.
Cash in advance / bank transfer.
One shop per week to one destination. No fussiness allowed.
If the shop doesn't have the item either replace with equivalent or do without. Pay for all purchased at given supermarket price without quibbles.

Plus prescriptions if needed.
I got my prescriptions this Monday and they gave me 4 months worth. (£18)
I just mean to say that once they've had their prescriptions once if should be ok for a while. GPS and pharmacists are doing this as routine.

She's taking you for a mug and can f off imo.

Thanks everyone. I've emailed the councillor so we shall see. The lady does pay up front but then I buy the items back from her if they aren't right. I know I sound like a total pushover but I just feel bad as she is clearly on a budget. Yesterday the item requested had gone up ten pence and she refused to pay it and said I should have left it then.

Sorry but she sounds difficult.

Can you narrow it down to visiting 1 shop once per week for her?

OP, can’t you tell the council that it is not a good fit with this lady and you would like to help someone else instead? (And then set proper boundaries with whatever person you get.)

I'm glad you've emailed them OP she is clearly taking advantage and putting your health and your family's at risk 💐

Oh god why are you putting yourself at risk like that? Three times per week is excessive, going to multiple shops is excessive.

YADNBU!

Just saw your update, does she not realise that you are doing this for free and it comes with health risks? What a cheeky fucker. Do yourself a favour and find someone more reasonable to volunteer for.

Now the title's been amanded, no YANBU. She is BVU.

Could you not make it clear you will do one shopping trip a week, to one supermarket and get what you can from her list? We all have our favourite brands and foods in general but we're all making do with what we can get. She shouldn't get away with thinking she's an exception.

I had a lovely neighbour offer to get me some shopping, for which I was extremely grateful. I agonised over the list, as to whether it would be too specific or too vague. Frankly, I was just so thrilled that someone else was kind enough to venture out at all for me to get anything. He's a star!

Not corona related but I was a volunteer for a charity last year where I visited and occasionally took out an 87 year old lady every Saturday or Sunday for about 2 hours.

Initially it was ok but after about 5 months I was completely drained by her negativity. She was also quite racist. I had to contact the organisers and say I needed to withdraw for my own mental health. They were very understanding and the relief was immense.

I worked in a care home and an utterly vile, nasty rude woman was admitted. (not dementia) I haven't forgotten this and the home managers response- 'yes she is horrid, and remember she was a horrid young woman too'

I think if someone needs shopping they should only visit one shop. I just waited outside Aldi for 30 minutes and people need to understand these are difficult times. I think if she needs something you need to explain that alternatives are not an option to be refused. TO be honest I would just stop wasting your energy and find someone else who is more grateful

My mum was offered help by one of her neighbours, but she refused the help because I have been with her and looking after her. Really if people offer you help you need to be grateful in these difficult times and not difficult

We have quite large properties (older style houses) and on the one side I have a young family neighbour and on the other my neighbour is an elderly couple. In the summer months when I'm outside more in my back garden if I'm on the one side I hear children laughing and playing, bbq smells, dinner sounds as if people are eating dinner outside, talking about diy projects, friends visiting, etc. On the other side, the elderly couple sit outside all day loudly moaning and complaining about every one and every thing and slagging every one off and generally extrememly negative. I find that my garden on the family side looks lovely and lush but the other side of my garden looks neglected and overgrown. I can't stand to be on that side. So no I won't be volunteering to help my elderly neighbour during this time because I fear they will be the same experience as the OP describes. It's sad really but I need to think about my own mental health.

@FunkyKingston

@rougebuterfly another rude post from you!! OP is a volunteer offering to pick up basics in year extraordinary times. She doesn't owe anyone this she's doing it out of the kindness of her heart. You sound rude and entitled and I feel very sorry for anyone trying to help you out at the moment. I'm getting food for my MIL. She's incredibly grateful because she's not a fussy entitled dick who thinks the world owes her and she understands, despite her dementia, that these are not normal times.

OP I'd like to thank you for what you are doing for your community. To have that thrown back in your face by not even paying for the goods is extraordinarily unfair.

YANBU OP! I would ask to change person or sadly stop volunteering in your position.

I am amazed at the difference in tone between this thread and the other at the moment where the OP was torn to shreds for being anxious at not being able to find very specific items and being told she’s not cut out for volunteering. I am pleased you have had a more supportive time OP. I also agree that whilst there are selfish people in all age brackets, getting older does often harden us to our routines and ways. I have also witnessed in my own family that women of a certain generation were much more reliant on their husbands for their lifestyle (understandable given the attitudes of past) and since being on their own have expected younger generations to rally round and continue this lifestyle be it financially and logistically. I have also noticed that the longer my (not elderly) MIL lives alone the more difficult she becomes, I love her dearly but she can be very selfish and obsessive over things and this has been markedly amplified by her living alone.

I'm having similar with my mother, albeit remotely. I wasnt able to set up on morrisons.com quick enough when they announced the elderly lockdown so added her to my account.

She paid me for the first delivery, but now seems to think that I'm keen to pay for her shopping every 14 days. And texts me to say "I'll just have a bottle of shiraz"

I'm hoping I can continue to get her delivery slots regularly enough, other wise she will end up having to live with us. That doesn't bear thinking about right now

Yesterday the item requested had gone up ten pence and she refused to pay it and said I should have left it then.

After reading that ^^ from your update I would cut your losses OP. Nothing you do is ever going to be right for her. Now she is actually expecting you to take the financial loss on an item she asked for but won't pay for. Outrageous behaviour!

My parents live several hours away so I cannot shop for them (constantly hovering around the supermarket websites desperate for a delivery slot). A lovely neighbour offered to go and pick up some things for them and they were SO grateful. Now having endless discussions on which wine/bottle of whisky/other gift to buy to say thank you!

This horrid woman needs to bloody remember that you are a volunteer. The 10p thing would really have pushed me over the edge - so glad you have emailed the volunteer co-ordinators.

Yesterday the item requested had gone up ten pence and she refused to pay it and said I should have left it then.

You know that’s not remotely reasonable. Withdraw your help from her, she clearly can’t manage her expectations or accept any compromise.

@BIWI where has she said this is all elderly? Think you need to reread OPs post!!

OP YANBU at all. How spiteful for the lady to do that when you are in essence risking your health for her.

@babydogandi

And you need to read the thread! It's already been explained!